1100 – Game Show Planet | Nuns in Space S3 E3

Notable Language:

• Na Na Notting Hill
• Game-Based Sayings (GBSs)
• Memories of the Showcase Showdown

Notable Culture:

• Hugh Grant
• The Price is Right
• Mouse Trap Game

Notable Talking Points:

• Notting Hill, starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Hugh Jackman
• I feel like a turtle that wants to go back into their shell
• Fantasizing the Infernal Machine Squeaker Trap Game

Episode 1100 – Game Show Planet | Nuns in Space S3 E3

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER:    Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time for the podcaster that’s here to keep you company, that’s here to take your mind off of stuff, that wishes he had something witty and silly to say that could…I wish I had something to say that would instantly put you to sleep and relieve all that tension, but I can only do it my way which is slow, meandering, and a little bit goofy.  The reason I do the show; for you, because I know how it feels in the deep, dark night, and if I can help, if I can keep you company, it would be my honor.  So whether you’re new or you’re coming back, you’re a regular listener, you come back, you just use the show when you need it, I’m glad you’re here and I really hope I can help you fall asleep.  It’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  Thanks for making it possible, my patron peeps.

 

INTRO:    [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake.  It could be thoughts on your mind, thoughts about the past, the present, the future.  It could be feelings or emotions coming up related to those thoughts or to something else or that are just there, it could be physical sensations, it could be changes in time or temperature or routine.  I’ll tell you what; I had not a quality night’s sleep last night.

 

A couple reasons; these ones are…maybe they’re relatable, maybe not.  I definitely had…I had a live show last night.  It didn’t start ‘til around 7:15…was when the prep started.  So, I had some caffeine later in the day to help me with the live show, and I slept good the night before.  Usually I don’t sleep great the night before, either.  But then last night my brain was processing, or my subconscious or whatever, so it kept waking me up with stuff related to the live show.  Not super critical, but more like processing stuff that was not sleepy.  Like, more like oh, what about this paper?  I said, is there paperwork at the live show?  Then I say…then I’d wake up.  I’d say, why am I having to do all this paperwork?  Or did you remember all the microphones or whatever it is?

 

So whatever’s keeping you awake, I’m here to take your mind off of that and keep you company so you can fall asleep.  The reason I make the show, one, I know how it feels tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep.  I had trouble staying asleep and getting to sleep last night.  I did fall…I had one of those ones too where I fell asleep fast and then I woke back up, and then I had trouble falling asleep and then staying asleep.  So, I know how it feels.  It’s not great.  I don’t feel…I knew I was gonna be tired today anyway, so it’s kinda one of those days I didn’t…well, I have a busy day today but I was like okay, I’m in acceptance I’m gonna be a little bit tired, but that’s rarely the case, right?  I knew I wasn’t gonna get a good night’s sleep, so I kind of anticipated it or I was like okay, I’ll deal with it.

 

But yeah, when you don’t anticipate it, it can be…it’s not great either…whatever way you get it.  So one of the reasons I can relate is ‘cause I know how it feels to be tired, ‘cause I’m tired right now.  I’m not really…I’m in a pretty good mood though.  Then I know how it feels when you can’t sleep or when you’re waking up, and also, the main reason is I believe you deserve a good night’s sleep, just like I would have preferred to get a great night’s sleep last night, hopefully I’ll get a good one tonight.  You deserve a good night’s sleep ‘cause your life will be more manageable when you do get the sleep you deserve.  You deserve a bedtime you could feel neutral about and not dread, or a bedtime you could look forward to.

 

If I could be a part of providing that, that would be my honor because like I said, I know how it feels there and it’s frustrating, right?  So, that’s why I make the show, and the way I do it is I send my voice across the deep, dark night.  I use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, and superfluous tangents.  What that means is I go off-topic, I get mixed up, I repeat myself, I don’t make a lot of sense all the time, I’ll talk about one thing, then I’ll remember something else, then I’ll go back to talking about…and then I’ll forget what I was talking about.  Kinda like thoughts at bedtime; I’ll drift…but I try to drift in a smooth way between things.  Not always smooth.  All of that is to keep you company so that you could fall asleep.  Creaky, dulcet tones is just the style of my voice.  Not for everybody.

 

Not everybody’s cup of tea, just like…yeah, say well, I don’t know about that, but it’s not traditionally soothing.  I’m more here to be distracting and to make…to be good company.  I’m the kind of company you don’t need to keep, but I’ll be around, but I’ll be around at a distance.  I’m on-call.  The company you kinda keep; Scooter.  He’s…yeah, like the company you keep, kind of, a little bit.  So, what that means is if you’re new, I’m glad you’re here.  Now if you’re skeptical or doubtful or you’re already frustrated or you’re like, where is the show going, that’s a normal reaction to this podcast because it is not for everybody, right?  It is very different.

 

If you’ve had trouble sleeping, you’ve probably tried other stuff before, probably a lot of different stuff, and somehow you found this podcast; either someone recommended it or you just were searching and you tried it out.  So, this show is very different, and the only advice I can give you is what I’ve heard probably at least a million times, is give it a few tries and see how it goes.  So if you’re skeptical or doubtful, that’s normal, but just listen a few times.  Try it tonight and try a couple more nights and see how it goes, ‘cause the podcast can take some getting used to ‘cause it’s so different.  I’m gonna explain what’s different about it right now, but give it a few tries and see.  If you definitely already don’t like me or the show, that’s fine, too.

 

I have a website set up; sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou that you could check out.  It has a bunch of different sleep podcasts and sleepy audio on there.  You could try one of those ‘cause you still deserve a good night’s sleep whether I can help or not.  So, that’s the…okay, so what’s different about the show?  One, it’s a podcast you don’t really listen to.  You kinda just barely listen.  Kinda like I said, I’m keeping you company in the deep, dark night, but you don’t need to entertain me or even listen to me or even humor me.  You don’t even have to pretend…you could pretend you’re listening.  A lot of listeners do that; they say uh-huh, uh-huh, okay.  Oh yeah, totally, Scoots, I could see why you’d feel that way, or whatever.  You could do that.  You could participate a little bit if you want, but you don’t need to.

 

I’ll be here the whole time, so if you wake up or you can’t sleep or you’ve got something you’re dealing with and you just can’t sleep at all, I’m here to keep you company whether you’re awake or asleep.  The show doesn’t really put you to sleep so much as it keeps you company while you drift off.  I’m here in the deep, dark night to be your friend, your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your bore-cuz, your bore-bestie, your neigh-bore, your bore-bor, your bore-bruh, your friend in the deep, dark night, and I’m here to keep you company.  Like I said, if you can’t sleep, I’m here to keep you company and if you’re not listening, I’m here to keep you company.  So, it’s a podcast…it’s a sleep podcast that doesn’t put you to sleep and that you don’t really listen to.  Those are things that are hard to get used to.

 

Another thing that throws people off is the structure of the show, and the podcast is designed in a very specific way, but as you become a regular listener, you could kind of adjust how you listen.  So, there’s…it starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and then I say something silly.  All of that is so that you feel seen and welcomed in and you get the intent, the nature of the show.  It’s a little bit different, a little bit silly, but not hilarious or…you know.  It’s partially amusing.  So, that’s the greeting, then there’s support because I want the podcast to come out twice a week for free versus being subscription-only or exclusive or something.  That’s the goal.

 

So, paying for it is optional, so the people that support the sponsors or support the show directly, those are the ones that enable us to be here for free, but if you’re not in a position to do so or you don’t want to, that’s cool ‘cause it’s free.  So, that’s the support for the show, then there’s support for listeners and then there’s support for communities around the show.  So, that’s that part of the show, then there’s a intro, and for some reason, people that don’t like the support part kinda project that onto the intro.  The intro is separate from the support.  It’s a show within a show.  I think we’re about six, seven, eight, nine minutes into it.  It’s usually somewhere between ten minutes and twenty minutes long.  It’s where I introduce the podcast unsuccessfully.  Over a thousand times, I’ve unsuccessfully introduced my podcast.

 

Unsuccessfully sounds unsuccessful.  I’ve been unsuccessful at…is unsuccessfully a word?  If it is, my picture’s next to it in the dictionary in my imagination.  The intro is where I introduce the podcast to new listeners, but regular listeners are almost nodding.  Maybe they’re nodding off because…here’s a piece of fanfiction I could write one day; Nodding on Notting Hill.  Idea just popped in my head.  That was…was that…was that Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant?  My head’s…my…first my brain said Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Hugh Jackman, and I said no, that’s definitely wrong.  Don’t say that out loud first; say it second and figure out who…I said, okay.  So, I think that’s what nodding…Nodding Off on Notting Hill, starring…it probably wouldn’t be starring anyone.  Starring fictional characters within Scooter’s imagination.

 

What was my point?  Oh, that regular listeners are nodding, ‘cause the intro, it…the reason it’s ten to twenty minutes long and at the beginning of the show is not just to introduce new people to the show, but it’s to ease you into bedtime.  For a regular listener, it becomes part of their bedtime routine whether they’re getting ready for bed, they’re doing something else relaxing whether it’s stretching or drawing or knitting or just chilling out, sitting around.  Then some listeners are in bed, a few people are already asleep; we’re so happy for you.  Oh boy, are we.  We don’t have any…we do, we do have a bunch of FOMO, particularly me right now, but we’re happy for you, really.  Totally happy for you, especially those of you who are in bed with a partner that doesn’t listen to the podcast that’s already asleep.

 

We’re even more happy for those partners.  But so, some people are asleep.  2% of people start the show at twenty minutes or so, and then equally, people that pay on Patreon, there’s people that listen to story-only shows and a lot of people that listen to intro-only shows, so it’s kinda balanced out.  But the intro just gives you a chance to have some twilight or some wind-down, for most listeners, to get some distance from the day and to ease you into bedtime, ‘cause that’s just what works for me.  Like I said, last night I did a live show and I didn’t get home after unloading everything and stuff like that, and I said oh boy, I want to be asleep in a half-hour, which just isn’t gonna happen.

 

It usually takes me a hour to wind down, and then after doing a performance and having a bunch of coffee and stuff…so, the intro is…it serves a couple purposes; it introduces you to the show.  For regular listeners it’s familiar every time, but it’s different so your brain or your emotions or whatever that keeps you up can’t quite adjust, ‘cause they never know…they know Scoots is gonna say something that doesn’t make any sense, but what will he say that doesn’t make any sense?  I mean, I don’t think I’ve ever come up with a fanfiction for Nodding On Notting Hill before.  Nodding on Notting Hill…Knitting and Nodding on Notting Hill.  Nana Knitting and Nodding on…Nana…Sha Na Na live on Notting Hill.  What if it was just Na Na Na?

 

If Sha Na Na ever broke up…I realize I’ve done research on Sha Na Na, but what if they said let’s just split up?  I realize we’ve been in…whatever, seventy years or whatever we’ve been making music, but what if we split the company right down the middle?  You’ll be Sha and we’ll be Na Na Na.  They say, why?  Well, a podcaster wants to write a piece of fanfiction called Na Na Na.  He doesn’t have another word…and then on Notting Hill, so Na Na Notting…it sounds like he’s just having trouble saying words.  Well, yeah, he does have trouble doing that.  So, that’s the intro, and then after the intro is again support for the show so it could come out twice a week for free.  Believe it or not, if you’re new…or even some regular listeners don’t believe this, but there’s a lot of work that goes into the show.

 

It’s not like I just sit down and record it and put it out, and that’s…the sponsors and the support make that possible.  Then there’s a story.  Tonight it’ll be our episodically modular series, Nuns in Space, so that’ll be fun and very sleepy.  Oh boy, will it be sleepy.  Then there’s thank-yous at the end.  So that’s the structure of the show, that’s why I make the show.  I’m really glad you’re here, I really appreciate you taking the time to check the podcast out if you’re new or coming back.  Thank you so much, and here’s a couple ways I’m able to do it for you for free twice a week.

 

Alright, hey everybody.  It’s Scoots here.  It’s time for our episodically modular series, Nuns in Space.  It’s technically Season 3, but this is the most…this is very episodically modular, so you really don’t have to have listened to any episodes before this one.  You could, but the good thing is you could look at the…all that stuff as backstory or whatever, even…this is Episode 3, I believe.  We’ll get you caught up on everything you need to know and go through that, so it’ll be really nice.  Yeah, so it’s time for another episodically modular episode of our series Nuns in Space.  Basically it tells…each episode is…it’s a bit procedural.

 

It tells the story of Scooter and Stan, two best friends, space adventurers, who, at the beginning of each episode, find themselves not together, and each faces a different dilemma at the start of each episode.  Oh boy, this is the stuff they don’t do on TV, ‘cause it wouldn’t…you’d say don’t…please don’t do this every episode.  But for a sleep podcast we can.  The dilemma for Scooter is he’s on a spaceship with the nuns from his childhood.  Don’t ask the mechanics of it.  That’s got hyperspace and subspace stuff.  But he’s on a spaceship with the nuns from his childhood.  He’s their only crew member, and they’re as wonderfully kind as he remembers them, which is not even…I don’t even say that with irony.  Whatever’s harsher than irony, I say it, and…but he has to work with them.

 

They’re traveling through space, destination to Scooter unknown, ‘cause he’s just the crew.  He has to help them as a crew member.  He also knows…he’s the only one that knows that they’re in some sort of repetitive cycle each episode, and that he also has to get to Stan, and Stan’s somewhere facing Stan’s own dilemma.  So, Scooter’s first dilemma is helping the nuns as a crew member ‘cause he’s on the ship with them, then figuring out…that solution usually helps him get to Stan.  Stan is a sentient freestyle soda machine, just in case you…that’s somewhat important.  If you need to picture him, picture a freestyle soda machine with sentience, nanobot…he also has nanobots that can do arms and legs.  But he…Stan’s memory gets wiped mostly every episode.

 

Or not wiped, but he’s in some sort of thing where he doesn’t remember.  He usually comes to consciousness or whatever on a planet, and the planet is facing its own dilemma, possibly caused by a concentration of delusion.  Stan doesn’t really always remember how Stan…how he got there, what he’s doing there.  Stan also has some powers that could be described as magical or godlike or cosmic, but Stan’s not aware of that, either.  So, usually Stan’s in a dilemma; how’d I get here, what’s going on.  The planet is in a dilemma, and let’s see, I’ll give you an example if I can remember from the first two episodes.  Oh, one planet, all the…there was these glob-like beings, but they were turning into balloons, like a hot-air balloon.

 

They were enjoying it, but it wasn’t good for them because they were meant to be glob-like beings going on the Earth.  When they became hot-air balloons, some of their being would evaporate.  Eventually total evaporation; that’s the shorthand.  Stan didn’t even realize it, so Stan…that’s how it goes.  The procedure was…something’s wrong.  Feel like something’s wrong.  What’s wrong?  Let’s fix it.  So, that’s the procedure.  That sounds like…not the procedure…that procedure is not a metaphorical one.  It’s more like…for me…then after let’s fix it, then I realize oh, some things are more about adjustment and acceptance than fixing.  But this is a story, not my personal life.

 

Oh my god, I just cracked myself up so much because…it’s not because I’m embarrassed, but it’s just so funny that…yeah, stories aren’t like life always.  So in this story, things will be solved and fixed because it’s just a story.  I just wanted to point that out to you and to me, ‘cause I say…’cause I could have.  I’m not kidding.  I don’t know if this happens to anybody else out there.  But you say well, maybe I could…even though it’s my own podcast that I write, I could still take it as mis…I say wait a second, if I could be more like Stan, then everything…then I could just fix that.  I say no, it’s more you’re just a human being.  You don’t live in a bedtime story episodically modular series loosely based on your experiences as a child with nuns and your desire to have a sentient soda machine as a best friend.  That’s fiction.

 

Oh, okay.  But you know what’s not fiction?  Well, winkety-winkety-wink, is our celebrity setup person.  I don’t know if indomitable is the right word, but I feel like saying it.  The indomitable, the unprecedently glamorously handsome, endless kindness, Mr. Antonio Banderas.  The friends beyond the binaries, the ladies, the gentlemen, the boys, the girls, it’s time to get spacey with Nuns in Space.  So good to be here, Scooter, with you.  Thank you for not…oh, yeah, I was so caught up in my own stuff that I didn’t take the time to mention that even though you drove straight from Los Angeles here, you were…I realize I say around the set time, but really I mean…you know what I mean.  So, that’s Mr. Antonio Banderas, and this is Nuns in Space.  Thanks, everybody.

 

Hey, pen pal.  This is Stan.  It’s not all fun and games, pen pal.  Sometimes it’s just games.  I know people say that.  Scooter used to say that people would say that to him; it’s not…life’s not all fun and games, Scooter.  He’d say, but shouldn’t it be?  Or are you sure it’s not?  Then he’d say well, I wish I would have…so anyway, but pen pal, I’m just saying…it was just a saying or truism that Scooter…that confused Scooter.  But I’m in a situation where it’s true.  Life is not all fun and games on this planet.  It was just games.  Well, it was just fun and games on this planet, and business and commerce and industry, but not anymore.  Now it’s just this one game, and the thing is, pen pal, the more I think about games and saying game-based sayings, then I think about that you play games with your friends, normally.

 

My friend taught…once upon a time I had a friend, pen pal, named Scooter, and he taught me through his example how much he loved to win at games and how good it could feel winning the game for a very short time if he won, or I led him…I led him on to think he won.  But one thing he also told me…taught me, or…and told me was there was times…’cause he was trying to teach me.  Eventually he caught on that I was letting him win, and he said it could be fun to almost win, Stan, as long as you almost win.  Then he taught me that by example when we introduced other people to play games with as we tried to…this was another adventure.  It was not exciting at all.  It was called Scooter Getting Out…Hanging Out With People and Scooter Together.

 

So, if he was close to winning or he had a chance to win up until the end, it was fine.  But if he was…if we were playing a game and he had no chance, oh boy, pen pal, look out, because if it was…it wasn’t going good.  But I don’t know where my almost wiener…my almost wiener, pen pal; I wrote that on purpose.  My almost-winner Scooter is not here, and no sign of my friend.  I’m here…and this is no game at all.  This is not a game.  It makes me want to…I have one of those…even though this…there’s no dice-based games here, I have a dice cup and I want to shake it.  I’m shaking this dice cup because…in frustration, pen pal, because there’s no game.  This is no game.  This is no game.  I’m shaking it like a maraca ‘cause it’s helping me, it’s helping me.  This is no game.  Stan, why do you keep saying this is no game?

 

Stan…oh boy, is that a rattling?  I thought it was a maraca or dice in a cup, but a cup that doesn’t have a felt lining.  But it’s…oh my gosh, it’s the metal of the ship rattling, and the ship is shaking.  Oh boy, what a time to wake up.  Okay…oh, yes nuns, I’m on my way.  Clearly…yeah, I can feel the G-forces, Sisters.  I’m on my way to the bridge.  Yeah, I’m on my…hi, Sisters.  Yeah, the ship is not that big, so…I know…the ship…yeah, I know the ship should not be rattling like this, Sisters.  Okay, so we’re going…oh, so we have to go through these planets to get another gravity boost, huh?  I know it’s not called a gravity boost, Sister, but I realize we’re using the gravity…whatever, we’re using the gravitational poles of the planets as a boost.  Okay, I can see it on the map.

 

Okay, there’s usually…I know…I realize…some things I do learn, Sister.  I realize this takes some very smooth, focused flying, and you’re…okay, so…okay, so the controls of the ship are very stiff, and I know autopilot can’t handle it.  Let me just observe while things rattle and shake…even a hum; a rattle and a hum.  Not a great hum.  Okay, Sister…here, could you take your hands off the yoke, please?  ‘Cause we just have a bit…pause here.  Let me just activate the autopilot for a quick…this is just a…see?  ‘Cause yeah, I just did a quick diagnostic and according to the…this is the analog-digital system Stan and I designed with vacuum tubes.  I don’t know if you’re aware of any of that, Sister.  Okay, this is your ship.  Of course, Sisters.  Yes, I know.  It might be, but the…here, can you go back to the controls?

 

We’re getting ready to go through.  Yes, Sister, I see you co-piloting.  It looks like you…you know what?  I’m feeling it, too.  It’s like a stiffness.  I didn’t even realize it myself, but I’m feeling physically stiff, and I think that’s what’s happening with the controls.  Can we do some…?  Yeah, I can’t do…it’s like I’m…I feel gummed up.  How about you?  Sisters, can you feel that?  Okay, let’s try some breathing, yeah.  Let’s try to…yeah.  It’s like…it’s not just gummed up, but it’s like I can’t move…that’s what’s causing the shaking of the ship, is your piloting, but your piloting is being affected by your…and mine, all of our…it’s like we’re greased up with old grease or something.  Huh.  Let me just…I don’t normally like to do this, Sister, but let me just kinda rub your…oh boy, you are stiff.

 

It’s like you’re partially…it feels like you’re partially de-frosted or something.  Yeah, I feel like that, too.  Okay, well, that’s not great.  You’re not cold, though.  Yeah, sorry.  Sisters, let me take…your forehead temperatures are…feel somewhat normal.  I mean, but I feel…I feel the stiffness, but I don’t feel the stiffness…you know what I could do, is when my hands used to get cold…I never told anyone this, but if someone asked me for a massage, a rom…I didn’t really do this, Sisters, but I used to plan on it.  If someone asked me for a massage romantically, which is no different than a…not…than a…well, but I would put my hands in my armpits to warm them up.  I always thought about…and my armpit is soft on the in…like, this is someplace…let me see if it’s in my imagination.

 

This is something I never thought I’d ask permission of the nun…of all of you Sisters, but could I put my finger in your armpit, or a couple fingers?  I promise not to tickle you.  Well, even if you’re tick…I know, but…oh boy…oh boy.  Yeah, that…your soft…your armpits are soft, too.  Well, be thinking about…hopefully my memory will be wiped at some point, but all of your armpits are soft and various degrees of humidity that I’ll never forget.  I’ll never forget that each of you had a diff…I’ll just never forget that.  Thank you for that.  But yeah, you’re…all of our armpits are soft, and…okay, so…okay, I realize the ship is…so, we got through that gravity whatever, thingamajig.  How long do we have?  Okay, well, I’m working on it.

 

Okay, well, I realize that…so, we’re being propelled towards that next solar system, and…okay, within the solar…thank you, Sister.  Thank you for correcting me.  Okay, so I have a few min…I’ll get to the bottom of it, Sister.  Oh boy, I’m on it.  I’m on it like…I’m trying to…just trying to clear your armpits out of my head at this point.  Let me just do some…I feel like a turtle that wants to go back in their shell because of the…and that there’s a…’cause there’s a slug…okay, so that’s popping in my head for a reason.  Sister…slug…huh.  So, it’s like you’re…okay, let me check you again, Sister.  So, your clothing is stiff and your outer thing is stiff.  I don’t know.  Let me put on a spacesuit and see…let me just try something.

 

Okay, I’m putting on this spacesuit, Sisters, and I’m moving around in the spacesuit because this is the one for going out into outer space, right?  Inside the suit…now, the outside…so, it’s something…there’s something in the atmosphere or in the ship or something that is causing our outer layers to be stiff.  So…but this would be too bulky to wear to steer the ship.  I realize that, Sister, because I realized it because you were raising your voice and telling me.  Yes.  Okay, so I’m really gonna…you know what, Sisters?  Do you have any winter clothes in your wardrobe?  I’m gonna go…you keep controlling the ship and controlling us through this gravity push or whatever this thing is called.  I’m gonna go in your wardrobes to…and…oh, goodness.  So, no…you just have a lot of these…do you mind if I call them nun suits?

 

They’re very…they’re softer than I thought.  I mean, the polyester is rough, but I don’t think this is gonna do it, and I like these layered ones.  But I don’t think that’s gonna be…huh.  ‘Cause in the movies and…sometimes there was nuns that had really stiff suits; that’s why I was look…do you have any stiff suits?  No.  Do you have any…do we have any starch onboard, or spray starch?  No.  Okay, well, then…oh boy, Sister, I got an idea.  Sorry, Sisters.  Yeah.  So, I’m gonna take three of your suits down to the…well, it’s not very far, and…I remember watching this episode of Great British Bake Off, and what I’m gonna do is soak your suits in egg…like, I’m gonna get your suits and stiffen them up with egg whites.  So, I’m separating eggs very quickly.  Sisters, have you ever seen anybody separate eggs and eggs’ whites so quickly?

 

So yeah, I have a vat of egg whites here, and this is the egg yolks there, and then the egg shells.  You know, I know…oh, don’t worry, Sister, I will not waste anything.  I know we already have something with the eggshells to process that.  The egg yolks…I’ll make some tarts, some egg yolk tarts, just like I saw in the Great British Bake Off.  But for now, they’re just gonna sit in this vat, kinda like orange eyes…hey, egg yolks.  Keep an eye on me; I’m make…I’m stiffening up some nun suits here.  Even these habits, Sister, they’re a bit like helmets.  Yeah, these should stiffen right up.  I’m gonna use this vent here.  These are stiffening right up.  I’m putting them on hangers.  Don’t worry, Sister, ‘cause I’m…I want to make sure you can slide into them.  No, I’m not…I’m not…yeah, so put…go ahead, Sister, put it on.  I’m good, I’m fast.

 

Okay, see?  You think it’s gonna work.  Yeah, make sure to put on the…I did everything, even the under…yeah, yeah.  Just…no, no, go in another room, please, please.  Yeah, even…’cause you need layers, I think, Sisters.  Yeah.  Okay, you control the ship.  Oh boy, no, no, I’m gonna deal with these egg yolks right now, and probably talk to them and try to process some of my feelings after all that.  Hey, egg yolks.  Wow, you’re really…oh wait, I never stiffened myself up.  Wait a second, I just kinda wanna…so, just looking at the egg yolks makes me want to get in here and soothe myself.  I don’t know, what would happen if I was coated in egg yolks?

 

Maybe that would make me…oh boy, swimming around in here, and…egg…instead of Calgon…let me just go under the egg yolks, ‘cause also I know that I have to find my way to Stan.  Oh, now the egg yolks are…Scooter, Scooter, why are you playing around in the green slime vat?  Is that you?  Yeah, yeah, Stan, it’s me.  Scooter, quit playing around.  Where have you been?  I’ve needed your help.  Here, take a towel and wash yourself off.  You’re covered in slime.  Stan, why is there a vat of green…?  Scooter, the green slime is part of the game.  Okay, which game?  Scooter, the great…the game…one game to rule them all.  Okay, okay.  So what did…what were you…you seem frus…Scooter, I’m very frustrated with you.  I’ve been waiting for you and thinking about you getting here to help for a long time.

 

I’ve been saying don’t worry, Scooter will be here at some point, but it’s been a long, long, long time, Scooter.  Nothing’s going well, and you’re not…Stan, I’m here now and I totally…I could see why you’d be frustrated, and I’ll try to help.  Scooter, I don’t need help.  I’ve been imagining you coming and solving everything.  Well Stan, I mean, I just solved one problem that I didn’t…so, I’ll try.  Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?  Scooter, oh boy, it’s been a long time.  Okay, tell me the first thing you remember.  Okay, I’m not even sure the first thing I remember, Scooter, which is weird because I should be able to easily identify that with timestamps.  Yeah, I know, Stan, but things are different here, so…Scooter, they’re so different.  I don’t think I like them.  Yeah, no, I understand that.  That’s totally legitimate, too.

 

But okay, tell me about what’s going on and where we are, and what you do remember.  Okay, Scooter, we’re on a planet, and this is where everything’s going wrong.  Okay, and what plan…what’s the planet like?  Oh, it’s…it was a very nice planet for a long time, Scooter, before I remember.  It was the foremost hub of game shows for this section of the universe.  I’m sorry, Stan, could you…I think I…that…Scooter, okay, so…in this part of the universe, all game-based entertainment, this planet became the hub of that.  They were…this was where they would create game shows, game-based entertainment, Scooter.  Okay, that helps.  So, they film game shows here, they come up with the ideas here, there was even theme parks for people to simulate game shows, or there were.

 

None of that anymore, Scooter, unfortunately.  Not all production…I mean, the productions of the shows did, but not making board games; that would happen, but they would design those.  So, this whole planet was where all the creative happened and a lot of the production, and it became a destination, too.  Okay, so the home of the game show and game-based entertainment industry in this part of the galaxy or universe or whatever.  This was…okay, so it used to be like that, right?  Right, Scooter.  Oh boy, and this is where…it was an important thing because people in this…people like game-based entertainment.  Of course they do, Stan.  But that was the before time, Scooter.  I remember knowing that.  I don’t know if I was here for that, ‘cause that was a while ago.

 

But alls I know is that something changed on the planet and people went from being interested in making games to all…I don’t know if it happened fast or slow, Scooter, ‘cause I don’t…okay, Stan, that’s okay.  Just tell me what you do remember.  So Scooter, at some point, people went from wanting to make games to only…to playing games, but only…and then only to playing this one game, the game to rule them all.  But there wasn’t any…initially there wasn’t any rules, and it wasn’t clear that it was just one game, and there was no standards or best practices or guiding principles around this one game.  Okay, this sounds familiar, just not what…clearly labeled as a game.

 

But yeah, this was a game…so, they stopped making games and eventually they lost all their contracts, and some people left the planet, but a lot of people stayed and people came.  People were only interested in the winning part, Scooter, and they kinda made it…and then they started also…but they were also…the game was kinda making itself as they were a part of it.  So, there was something else going on that I still don’t quite understand, Scooter.  Okay, let me see if I can just reflect back.  Scooter, are you really Scooter?  You’re reflective listening?  Well, Stan, I know I let you down, and also I had my fingers in nuns’ armpits today.  So, my value system, for a brief time, is restructured slightly.  Scooter, why would…instead of helping me, you were sticking your finger in nuns’ armpits?

 

So, let me…so, let me see if I understand; this was once a game show planet, a game show production planet.  Fun but business, fun playing games, multiple games.  Something changed and it went from making games and creating games and playing games to just winning at a game.  At first the game was more…less defined and…but the game has slowly been defining itself as more and more people play it.  Kind of, Scooter.  That was still before I was aware of this, so that’s when I…around when I got here and I became aware of the fact that there were no rules.  It was more of a…the game had become a god or a base god, instinctual needs, and people were just…I didn’t like it, Scooter.  As soon as I became aware of it, I said you know what?  I don’t like this; Scooter wouldn’t like it.

 

It was a bit like a W-A-R, Scooter, and it was a big mess.  A lot of the…all the stuff that they had built throughout their history had been dismantled or used.  I said…now, Scooter, I don’t know how I do some of this stuff, but I got very…I had a furrow in my brow, my digital brow, and I feel like…I feel like…Scooter, is the top of my…?  Stan, you do have a furrow up there.  Scooter, I used some nanobots to create a furrow, but…and I took over the planet, Scooter.  I said, stop this.  Now, I couldn’t stop it totally because people…lives were so integrated in playing this game.  I had to be firm and gentle at the same time.  You understand, Scooter?  Okay, so you stopped the playing of the game.  Well Scooter, I used my super processing powers to analyze what was happening.  So it’s not like I just did it, Scooter.

 

I mean, I just did it because I have so much processing power.  But I don’t know how I physically did it, Scooter, or got ahold of everybody or all that.  It just kinda happened.  But I said okay…’cause also, the game that they were building was kinda further along.  It’s like a…it’s a combination of game shows and obstacle courses and all this…thing, Scooter.  But people were still using it…I don’t know.  So, I said stop, and then I said okay, everybody…so then I tried to fix things, and I made some mistakes before you got here which is another reason why I’m frustrated, because it hasn’t been going great.  Like, first I had strict control and people didn’t like that.  Then I said okay, well, this is a game, then I started making rules.

 

That’s when I was doing all my processing; I tried to optimize the game to teach them how to be fair and kind to one another, and that totally failed, Scooter.  They weren’t interested.  So, then I…and then they…some people were not happy.  They were taking it out on me as game…the gamekeeper.  So then I had to be a little bit stricter, and then I said okay, well, we’ll make a great game that everybody can play, and that didn’t work.  Then I said okay, we’ll make a great game that only a few people can play every day, and that didn’t quite work, but it started to get a little bit better.  Okay Stan, it sounds like you’re doing good.  So you took over the planet and calmed things down from everybody taking…yeah, Scooter.  So, I had to kinda make it strict at first.  People didn’t like that.

 

So, that…and I could tell; people’s motivations were down, they weren’t so nice.  I didn’t like any of that and I kept trying to teach them, but they didn’t respond to me teaching them or telling them how to behave.  Okay, Stan.  So then I’m guessing you came to an…so, yeah, Scooter, I kept thinking about the game shows with a show…what was it?  The showcase…where they would show two cool things you could win at the end, right, and how you would tell me that you never had a boat or you don’t have a…but a boat or two jet-skis and a car.  You were always like well, what if I don’t have a place to put the jet-skis, or my parents won't let me ride jet-skis, or the refrigerator or a pop-up camper…the things on the show?  Is that was it was called, Scooter, the Showcase Showdown?  I think that’s what it was, Stan.

 

And how that was kind of aspirational, Scooter, that you wanted to be a person with a pop-up camper and jet-skis and a boat or whatever it was they were giving away; a new car, all those things, right?  Yeah, and sometimes one of the Showcase Showdowns would be cool and the other one…but you could still win both, I think, if you were within $100 or something.  Right, Scooter.  But I was more thinking of it from the belief system standpoint, so I started to create…the games and the prizes would be…and kind of from other books and stuff.  I said okay, if you win this game, you’ll get this whole new way of life.  But only two people can enter the game every day.  Everybody else…and people would get to submit what they wanted to win.  But mostly people just wanted to win.

 

The prizes, as long as they seemed cool and aspirational…suddenly that changed things, Scooter, and…now, people weren’t happy that only two people…then it was three people, then it went back to two people.  I tried to figure out the different things.  But it was just…you know, I’m by myself, Scooter.  Then I was like, well…but things…the thing is, Scooter, things are calmer, but I don’t think it’s okay.  The people, they…I’m…I keep an eye on them, and while they keep saying oh, okay, they were still…now, it takes a lot of industry to run everything, Scooter, ‘cause we gotta keep everybody…so, people still have to have jobs and you have to do your job in order to be able to enter the game, so that’s the motivation, and then the prizes are so great.  But the thing is, Scooter, nobody’s having fun.

 

They kind of are having fun, but not real fun.  I can tell, ‘cause I’ve spent enough time with you that I can tell when people are pretending.  Okay, Stan.  So…okay, so we have a interesting dilemma.  So, you have things under control.  Right, and I was hoping you’d come and fix it all.  But I’m also very unhappy with you.  Okay, well…hm.  Okay, so here’s what I’m wondering; when…what happens to the people who win the game?  So, you’ve been doing it for a while, and…so, we have winners, and what happens to the winners?  Well Scooter, it’s the strangest thing; they can go off-planet.  That’s normally what I try to get them to do, but no one…everyone wants to stay on the planet, and eventually they come to me and they ask if they can re-enter the game.

 

Again, I said okay, well, sure you could re-enter the game, but when…if you get accepted in the game, you have to give up your original prizes.  ‘Cause there’s really no risk for anybody, right?  It’s a game show.  You get in, you get to play.  But for the winners, you say…I said well, you can’t really keep…it’s not fair to the people.  Okay, but has anybody done it twice and won twice?  No, Scooter.  It’s just the odds are pretty low.  Okay, and there’s probably some simmering resentment about…like, at some point maybe there will be enough simmering resentment that you have to wait around to see if you’re even gonna get to play the game, huh?  Yeah, Scooter, probably there is some simmering resentment.  You’re right.  Okay, and…but there’s no…so, winning actually doesn’t do anything.

 

I mean, just like when I think I’m gonna win, I feel good for a little while and then I…my real…but there’s no real world here, either.  Have you tried to…so you’ve tried to teach people to behave nicely.  Have you tried…?  Scooter, they’re not interested in making games.  I tried to make making games a part of the game.  Okay, well, here’s the thing I think we need to do, then, Stan, is maybe…I don’t know what to do.  So, we’re…so, they’re stuck in a way…we can’t force them to change their minds.  Here’s the thing; what if we go into the game…what if we play the game against each other?  ‘Cause everybody watches the game, right?  I would assume you’d…every…there’s a game every day?  Scooter, there is, every day.

 

Then Scooter, first there’s the thing where you choose the players for the next…okay, so we’ll have to wait around?  No, Scooter, we could have a special game because today’s a game break day.  Okay, so we could enter the game…what if we just do a demonstration of the game?  I’m just…I don’t know what to do, Stan, to be honest with you.  Okay, Scooter, but I think you at least have an idea.  We’ll be in the game, everybody will be watching, and what if we…oh, man.  What if we play…what if we go into the game…so, okay, so here’s the thing; most of the people on the planet are former game traders or entertainers, right?  Yeah, Scooter.  Okay, and you have a…you know all that, right, somewhere in your databases.  Scooter, I do.

 

Okay, and what if we go into each stage of the game and…’cause you were waiting for me to come help you, but what if we slowly go through each stage of the game and design it in a way that…play it in a way where each part of the game, we’re asking more and more people for help, from the community?  Scooter, I don’t understand how we could do that, and it would…okay, let’s…here’s the thing; why don’t you make a planet-wide announcement that there’s been a malfunction in the game and the games are ceasing because it’s no longer…and that you and your assistant are gonna go in and try to play the game.  There’s something wrong with the game; it could be better, and you realize how frustrated everybody is with only two people getting to play it, and that the prizes aren’t as good as they seem once you get them.

 

You run…maybe we don’t have to do this in one second, you know?  Okay, Scooter, I’m listening.  So, you…we do that…I mean, you could do it fast because you’re obviously…I don’t know, your processing is off the charts.  Then we go through the game bit by bit by bit, getting help, and…to improve…to find out what’s wrong with the game, but we’re the…I’ll just play…be myself, but you’ll have to follow my lead and say huh, I don’t understand; why is this…?  This is a twisty slide.  What is the best use of green slime?  Is it really a part of a game show or is it more punctuating a joke?  Well Scooter, it would be part of it.  You’d pull a bucket and it would go on your head, and then you would…then you’d have to search through…it was different…there was…it’s…it was…no, I know.  Yeah, there was a show with a lot of slime.

 

I remember.  Okay, Scooter.  But how could we use green slime in a better way?  Scooter, okay, so you’re saying…here’s the thing…another thing, Stan; I’m pretty sure that there’s some part of the game…like, see that giant tower?  Scooter, that’s part of the thing.  What are you saying, Scooter?  What I’m saying, Stan, is there’s something off about that.  I know that’s like that one game…what are those things…whatever that’s called, the…it used to be…it was the squeaker…that’s a game I never owned that I always fantasized in owning, where it was like an infernal machine or whatever.  I don’t know what to call it.  Almost like the thing that made Pee-wee Herman’s breakfast, but it was to build a better place for gerbils to play.  It was called…that was the board game it was…?  Scooter, I remember.

 

I bought it for you but I didn’t give it to you because I was afraid…very similar to the situation we’re in now, that if I gave you…build a place for gerbils to play, you would…then your life would lose all meaning.  Right, Stan; there you go.  That’s where we’re at right now, is…I’m looking at a gigantic version of that game in the middle of this game.  I gotta say that maybe that part needs to be removed as part of our plan.  Scooter, I think I’m…I’m kind of understanding.  I’m almost getting a sense this has happened before, that there’s something about that, and now that I’m processing the history, the arrival of that construction, it’s not made from anything on this planet.  Right, Stan.  But we can’t just send it away without getting everybody’s vote, right?  Yeah, participation.  But what does that even do?

 

Can’t we…I bet you…there you go.  Okay, Stan, we found our…part of our solution.  Each part of the game could be its own game to build a better part of the game, but with the goal of having fun and being entertaining.  Now, we don’t have to push those goals on anybody.  Let them discover them themselves.  But the main…the biggest one we would try to do is…to replace this, ‘cause it’s like, each part of that, I don’t think…Scooter, okay, let’s do it.  Let’s take a pause and let me draw out some plans and communicate with everybody.  I’m glad you’re here, Scooter.  Stan, I’m glad I’m here with you, too.  Hey pen pal, it’s me, Stan.  Great news; Scooter’s and I’s plan pretty much worked.  I did have to do a bunch of adjustments, but we got everybody involved with fixing the game and making it better, and saying is this really working?

 

We did a lot of that.  Scooter’s really good at not knowing anything and then being instructed by other people, and I was able to copy him.  We did it really slow, pen pal.  It took a long time, where it was like, each element of the game at first…Scooter would say well, why does the slide spin clockwise?  Is there a reason it couldn’t go counterclockwise?  Then people being like, well why…?  Then, what’s the…?  Then Scooter would be like well, what’s the purpose of a slide?  Then people would be like, well…or what’s the sound you make when you go down the slide?  I do a ‘wee’ or a ‘woo’.  But oh, a lot of it was replacing parts of the giant obstacle course part of the game based on that board game, which I didn’t…I’ll be honest, pen pal, ‘til Scooter got here, I didn’t even notice the similarities between…let’s build a comforting place for a gerbil board game.

 

Build a better comforting place for a gerbil…Scooter said Stan, that’s the exact thing of the game.  Doesn’t that stick out to you as odd, and it’s constructed with some strange alloy that doesn’t exist on this planet?  The more I thought about it, pen pal, I’ll be honest with you, I sensed something within that part of the game that…it wasn’t like it was sentient, but that it had its own presence.  I said okay, well…and then…but it was like…I don’t know.  Then I would get mixed up or something, and then Scooter was the one that said let’s see…he said how much green slime could a planet make?  Then someone said well, I think we could…and there was a green slime accident that caused a covered part of the…that part of the game.  That’s when I realized it, because it was like it interrupted something.

 

There was a blockage or something that I…that as soon as that was gone, people were a little bit more having fun for a little while.  They celebrated and they were laugh…first I just thought it was the green slime, but then I realized that that part of the game, just that construction, was not part…and to be honest, I felt like some feelings deep down, pen pal.  My feelings of being left behind by Scooter, then fantasizing that Scooter would fix everything, then Scooter not being able to fix everything, then having to go slow still, and all that stuff.  Then this part of me that’s like wait, Scooter’s gonna…then I’m…something else, that we’re all stuck in this cycle here on this planet every day, playing the same game, these people, that that construction was part of it.

 

I got so…now, I was covered in slime and I said this part of the game needs to be…and I took…and I…I don’t even know how I did this, pen pal; I flew it right into their sun, and…which was pretty far away.  Then I came back, and then we’ve still been working.  Everybody’s been having fun, and now it just seems like people were…they come up with these other ideas, and I don’t know, it makes me want to just rest my circuits here with Scooter’s…Scooter’s asleep.  He said the green slime is good for exfoliation, too, pen pal.  So, I’m gonna rest here with Scooter and dream of games and people having fun playing games, pen pal.  Goodnight.

 

[END OF RECORDING]

(Transcribed by Leah Hervoly)