1036 – Gentle Dashboard Nibble | All Intros from 755-760
This collection of intros is about as confusing as an eight-pack of water being pulled in a wagon by a boy who knows not his hips.
Episode 1036 – Gentle Dashboard Nibble | All Intros from 755 – 760
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends beyond the binary, and my patrons, thank you for supporting the show, patrons. I’m glad I can be here to put you to sleep and keep you company. Thank you for supporting and compensating the work that goes into doing that. Let’s get on with the show.
Hey everybody, this is Scoots. I hope you’re enjoying your holiday season. Whether you’re celebrating it or you’re just…you got family, yeah, you know what I’m saying. I know what you’re saying. If you’re tossing and turning because of the holiday season, I’m here, and I’m here with a set of…all-intro episodes is one of the more popular things we offer on our Patreon. I also put them out right around these major holidays in the US here to celebrate over and over again the intros, which are so many people’s favorite part of the show. So, you’ll enjoy intro after intro here and carry you off into dreamland. Don’t worry, we got some hot stuff, hot lulls or medium…lukewarm lulls coming at you next year. Plenty of lukewarm lulls. So, thanks so much, and yeah, here’s Scoots again.
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, time, temperature. Whatever’s keeping you awake, stuff from…you’re thinking about from the past or the future or from today, something you’re still grappling with. Whatever it is, I want to take your mind off of that.
What I’m gonna do is I’m gonna kinda create this safe place with some safe motions, some safe…I’m inviting you in with a universal underhand wave. The welcome wave, as they…the ‘come on over’ wave. Then I’m making the universal symbol for rubbing a safe place down, also for buffing cars. It just happens to be the same symbol for that. I’m saying hey, come on in. I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, I’ll go off-topic, and then I’ll change topics. Also bobble…bubble…what…bobble topics. I think that maybe I’ve talked about that. Just like I was carrying too many holiday gifts or holiday baubles; I’ve bobbled my baubles.
If I had a catchphrase and I was some sort of…one of those things; not big…what was that thing called? Big Mouth Billy Bass or something? Remember, that was a big thing like, ten years ago. It was the first…believe it or not, it took that long to have the first quality in-home animatronic, affordable and entertaining for a while, or when you come to visit the person who has the Big Mouth Billy Bass. It was a fish that sang. That’s all I really remember about it, other than they say okay, that’s enough with the Billy Bass. But what was my point? Oh…what was my point? I was talking about…oh, I would have a catchphrase that I…oh, I bobble my baubles. Then maybe I would sing a song. You’d say oh, what’s that? Oh, Big Mouth…Hot Air Scooty Scoots. Something. We’ll figure out a better name.
I guess it’d be good if I was in…like I was a sloth. I could be the next home animatronic. Now they’re mostly seasonal ones, but I could be that, you know, and maybe I could…what about…? I can…I like singing Here Comes Peter Cottontail, but I don’t think I’d like to be a seasonal thing. I don’t know why that song…it’s the wrong season for that song, Scoots. Well, that’s another song that I sing. It’s the wrong season for that song. Also, I’m in the middle of a pod…beginning of a podcast intro. So, oh, I go off-topic, I bobble my bauble…I bubble my…I get mixed up. If you’re new, I don’t know how we can’t go back to that Big Mouth Billy Bass or whatever it was. Someone’s like Scoots, it was Albert the Singing Fish. I say well, why did I think it was Big Mouth Billy Bass? Because it sang the Billy Bass song.
Oh, then why would you say it was Albert…? Well, that’s just what we called it at my house; Albert the Fish. Albert the Singing Fish. It never had any batteries, so what we would do is imagine it was singing, ‘cause papa took the batteries out of it. That’s why…we actually never knew it was…even though it had a name tag that said Billy Bass on it or something? Oh, well, we just called it Albert the Singing Fish and we would sing songs around Albert, one day willing that the energy in our hearts would make Albert sing like a battery…you know, a battery-powered projection. It turned…that’s gonna be my first…that’ll be a new show. On the couch with Scooter, the…they say well, that was my first patient, helping them overcome a…issues with un-animated animatronics.
Yeah, there was…that person was never satisfied with animatronics. What am I talking about? Oh, if you’re new, you don’t really need to listen to me. That’s one thing. I think I’ve made that clear so far. There’s also no pressure to fall asleep, so there’s no pressure to listen, no pressure to fall asleep. I’m gonna be here for about an hour. You take your time drifting off. Fall asleep as you wish. I’m gonna be here to keep you company. Structurally what to expect, the show starts off with a few minutes of business, then we have the intro. The intros are around twelve minutes or so of me…it’s a show within a show where I kind of warm you up and cool you down at the same time. I try to make a metaphor for the podcast, then something pops into my head.
Tonight, clearly, it’s that rubberized talking fish that was so popular in the 90s, I think. Maybe it was the aughts. No, I think it was the 90s. I don’t think…here’s how I know it was the 90s, ‘cause when it finally appeared in my house, it was the aughts. So I said okay, it must have been popular in the 90s then, ‘cause we still have it and we still get a kick out of pressing that button and listening to that fish sing. I mean, I think one of the effective things they did…what is this? The Home Shopping Network Review Cast? Well, it could be, but right now it’s just the intro to a episode of Sleep With Me where I was gonna give my critical analysis of things that worked about Billy Bass. I think what one thing that worked was Billy turned to look at you. Now, that may have…maybe we could get a 99 PI about this.
Anybody listening, looking at…was that a design…was that one of those things…? What do they call that? A failure becomes a feature? That’s the story of this podcast for me. You say well, my inability to stay on topic has become…what do they…? ‘Cause it seems like it’s looking at you. I don’t know. I say, the fish is looking at me. It’s singing right to me. Goodness gracious, a talking fish. I’ve said this multiple times; every time I see it, I say don’t…a part of me says you don’t need to press that red button. I’ll try to explain what it is. Once you explain what the…okay, so structurally, there’s a intro. It’s really a time to either wind down for some listeners. A few listeners skip it, some listeners fall asleep, but it’s about twelve minutes of the show, a show within a show, a monologue.
In between the intro and that part of the show will be a little business, then there’s some thank-yous at the end. That’s structurally what to expect. Yeah, you don’t need to listen. Also, don’t try too hard to figure the show out at first, which may be too late, ‘cause I’ve been talking for eight minutes. It’s better if you kinda consume it passively. Unlike Billy Bass, which you could kinda choose whether to sing along or not. But just in case anybody’s not familiar with this, because I know we have a global audience and a very diverse range of ages. Now, again, my dates may be incorrect, but at some point on TV…I think this was one of these TV things. Like, you’d buy it right from the TV.
Not an infomercial, but when you’d be watching T&T during the day on a Sunday or a Tuesday, you’d see an ad…usually they’re…probably on a Sunday or a Saturday in the daytime you’d see an ad for this thing. It was a…looked like a taxidermied bass, fish, but it was clearly rubber, so it looked a little bit cartoony. It was on a plaque just like your fishing relative had caught it and was mounting it out of pride. I’m pretty sure there was a fake thing that said Billy Bass, a little plaque, just like you’d say Uncle Freddy caught this fish. I gave it a kiss but didn’t meet his wish or something. It said Billy Bass. Then below it was a red button and if you press the red button…it’s just weird that it took this long for this level of advanced animation to take place. Or maybe I’m one of the few people who…still blowing its mind.
But the fish would start to sing or do a little comedy, very Vaudevilleian, I’d say. I think it was mostly parody songs, but its tail would move, its side would move like it was still in the predicament I’m in. I guess we never learned Billy Bass…maybe…I don’t know if that could fit in a episode of Sleep With Me. Billy Bass: My Story. Somebody remind me to think about at least doing that, ‘cause we don’t know poor Billy Bass’ backstory. I guess no one’s ever wondered or cared. Or the predicament of the…well, this is getting a little too metaphysical, but Billy would sing to you and the mouth would move. It was pretty in-sync. It had a pretty good speaker, even. I would bet the going price was like, $19.95. We never got it. I’m sure we asked; oh boy, can I get Billy Bass for Christmas?
Or maybe we wanted toys you could play with, or I don’t know. But at some point I went to my parents’ cabin where they live, and there on the wall was Billy Bass. I probably was like what, thirty-two years old maybe, and I said finally, my childhood dream’s come true. Then I did…I still do it; I say well, it’s…I can’t think…I can think of a couple of songs Billy sings, and it even has a backing band somewhere inside of the fish. I don’t know where that is. What was that…what was I trying to explain that for? I think ‘cause if I was…I guess ‘cause I was just wondering if I had a catchphrase. Billy Bass did not have a catchphrase as far as I know. It didn’t say, I’m Big Mouth Billy Bass, just stuck here singing because that’s what I love to do, is keep you humans entertained.
Say, I think it was probably someone saying I was…this is my reincarnation. I happen to be in a evolutionary change and reincarnation where I just didn’t get reincarnated as a bass, but then when we tried to transfer the bass to the big farm, I got the power to sing and then become mass-marketed and sing everywhere. But I’m oh-so happy. That’s what Billy Bass really wants you to know. Anyway, so, this podcast, it goes off-topic so you don’t need to listen to it, so that it takes your mind off of whatever was keeping you awake. I’ll be here. The rest of the episode will be a little bit less divisive where you say yeah, I won’t say those words again…I guess I have to; Billy Bass, but later I won’t be saying it. So, it’ll be a little bit…but it’s here to keep you company, to take your mind off of stuff as you drift off.
You could fall asleep whenever you want. If you’re new, give it a few tries. Most of the people that review the show say it took two or three tries before I got used to it and it really started working, ‘cause I realized it was kind of nonsensical goofing around. But the reason I make the show is ‘cause I’ve been there, tossing and turning, unable to sleep, and I’d like to help if I can, ‘cause I can relate to…yeah. I just want to help. So, give it a few tries, see how it goes. I really appreciate your time, so thank you so much for coming by, and here’s a couple of ways we keep the show going.
Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations…to repeat what I just said though, stuff you’re thinking about, stuff emotionally you’re experiencing, or stuff physically you’re feeling, or all of those or none of those. You might be travel…might be someone else traveling, might be guests. Whatever it is, whatever’s keeping you awake, I’d like to take your mind off of that. I have a nice, safe place here.
I didn’t know when the last time I said this, but I’ve smoothed it, I’ve patted it, and I’ve rubbed it down. I’ve cleared it, I’ve…this is a safe place that’s buffed and polished. I think I probably talked about that before. That’s where the magic happens, where…with the buffing. You say well, you polished it, but then you gotta buff it. You say well, what does the buffing do? It kinda un…takes the polish off of the polish. Oh, I thought it got the streaks…well, it might get the streaks out, too. You can’t have streaks in a safe place, but you know, I’m here. So, what I’m gonna do is take your mind off whatever’s keeping you awake.
I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night, I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, go off-topic, repeat myself, I’ll get lost in my own thoughts, all to keep you company while you drift off. Now, if you’re new, here’s a couple things to know about the show; it doesn’t…it’s pretty different than other podcasts, other sleep solutions, other…most other things. This podcast is a little bit different, so try to, at least initially…I know you’re skeptical, so I think you should be skeptical, ‘cause this podcast is a little bit different, but maybe have a relaxed skepticism ‘cause…to see how it goes. But I’m not asking you not to be skeptical, ‘cause that’ll…it’s…any time somebody says they’re gonna do something for you, of course you…but you say well…Passively Skeptical: The Scoots Story.
That’ll be another autobiography I’ll write. Maybe a musical. Maybe that’d be my music…my life story in a musical. I think I’ve written other musicals based on other people’s IP, so…especially this song, It’s Not Unusual To Be Loved By Everyone or whatever. I don’t even know the lyrics to that one. I think that’s a Barry White song, but I think that I’ll contact…one day when this project gets off the ground, that might be one of the big numbers in…what was the name of the story in the book? Something skeptic. The Relaxed…Relaxed and Skeptical? I don’t think that’s it. Passively Skeptical? I think it…usually for me, it’s…unusual would be a good term, ‘cause this podcast is a bit unusual. So if you’re new, just see how it goes. Structurally, what to expect; the show starts off with a few minutes of business.
That’s how we keep it free. Then there’s an intro which we’ve just begun, and the intros are usually…it’s a show within a show, part of most people’s…most listener’s wind-down routine. They might start it before they get into bed, as they’re preparing for bed, or right when they get into bed, as they’re still unwinding, you know. The remains of the…you gotta shake the remains of the day off. That’s in my…another project I may be working on, Top Tips from Dogs and Cats. ‘Cause I think that’s what they do sometimes, is they shake the remains of the day off. This is a oral equivalent; you just kinda listen and ideally your day starts to fade in the background and my nonsense doesn’t come into focus in the foreground.
It might be in the mid-ground or the…you say well, that’s kinda the…you’re right, it’s kinda the mid-ground. It’s not the fore…it’s out of focus foreground. But so, the intro, it’s where I just…it’s a show within a show, a little monologue to kinda help you unwind, to attempt…for new listeners, to explain what the podcast is, but I never successfully do that because even for me, the podcast is a little bit outside of my grasp, or outside of defineability. So, that’s the beginning of the show. That’s the first twelve or fourteen minutes. But it is…it’s content-rich. It is. I think I want to talk about…if I have time, I want to talk about cough drops. So, then there will be a little business between the intro and the episode, and then tonight it’ll be a story episode. I think it’ll be a Real Time Recipe for the winter season. So, that’s exciting.
So, that’s the structure of the show. Ends with a little bit of thank-yous and a goodnight, so that’s structurally what to expect. You also don’t need to listen to this podcast. It’s one of the few podcasts listening’s optional. Or, you know, optional minute to minute. You could listen, you could pay attention, you could be moderately distracted, or you could lower the volume and let me drift into the background and just be some sort of…I don’t know if it’s a modulated tone, but a background…kind of like a noise when you mix all the colors together. You say Scoots, that’s…I’d say well, let’s not get tech…a muddied noise. I think that’s what I’d say. So, yeah, you don’t need to listen. Here’s the thing; there’s no pressure to fall asleep.
The shows are an hour so I can be here to keep you company as you drift off. I’m your bore-friend, I’m your bore-bud, I’m your bore-bae. I’ve been there in the deep, dark night. Last night I had a double dose of it, actually, which is kinda rare to have a double dose. I had trouble drifting off. Trouble getting to sleep; check. It was ‘cause I did a live version of the podcast and I thought I had had my routine down to unwind, and I think I might have drifted off for a few minutes and then woke back up or something or never…that’s one of the…so, I had that happen. I don’t want to go too deep into it ‘cause I know you’re trying to get to sleep. Then I also had a certain time where you…your sleep’s interrupted, then you say well, do I need to go…for me, I gotta go upstairs to use the restroom. So, I say, do we gotta go upstairs?
Then I started ruminating about some stuff, and then…so, it was a double…so, I’ve been there. But what’s my point? My point is you could use the podcast in the middle of the night or to fall asleep, but there’s no pressure to fall asleep. I’m here to keep you company as you drift off, as long as that takes. If it’s an hour, queue up a few episodes in a row. I’ll be here. I do make these shows, within the context of a sleep podcast, complete, so if you need it for mild entertainment in the deep, dark night, that’s what I’m here for. So, I’m dedicated to this show. I’ve been doing it for a long time, and I’m here to help you drift off at your leisure, to not listen to me and fall asleep when you wish. You might say Scoots, I thought you were gonna talk about cough drops. I will, because I had…I just…well, there’s this lovely word.
I had a cough…an anise cough drop, and I said what word, anise. Don’t ask me to smell…spell…don’t ask me to…do ask me to smell it; don’t ask me to spell it. A-N-A-I-S-E or…anise, or A-N-I-S-E. It feels like it has more letters than that. What happened was, I went to the supermarket to see if bubbly water was on sale, ‘cause my brother has a set price for canned bubble…flavored bubbly water per ounce. That’s the rate you should pay. I always forget it, but I’m pretty sure anything sub three cents is what you’re shooting for, and maybe anything sub 3.5 cents on a premium brand. Any store brand, you want to be below I think 2.5, even. What does this have to do with cough drops? So, I said…I picked up…there was a sale, and a particularly good one, and I think it was 3.2 cents.
It was for a flavor my daughter likes, so I said okay, let’s get a…no; I don’t know what brilliant marketing genius came up with cutting these things into eight-packs, but I think whoever came up with that idea, I would definitely say you’re my frenemy. Or more like my…’cause…not a frenemy, but something like a frenemy where I appreciate your craftiness. Like, if we could combine frenemy and trickster god and capitalist all into one, I’d say whoever just had…why don’t we sell these things in either cans smaller than people are used to drinking out of…you say well, we gotta increase the…this is water. We gotta get these margins up. Another…whatever percentage. Let’s see, twelve minus…two, four, six, eight, twelve. That’s a six.
We need to increase our margins by one-sixth, I think they probably said at the big meeting. Oh no; that would be just ten. So, they said we gotta increase our margins by one…33%, the big water said. Separately, they were all wondering, and then someone said well, would anybody be brave enough to do a ten-pack? They said no, that would be too obvious. So, then they came up with the eight-pack. Crafty. I’d say Nancy or whoever’s running that thing, holy mackerel, nice…I mean, I gotta respect it, I do. ‘Cause you say well, it’s…at least it’s not a six-pack, right? So, I tip my hat…I doth tip my cap to you. But while I was in the middle of that, I bought…I guess we won’t have too much time to…I just was gonna say that anise is a lovely word, and we’ll talk about it I guess ‘cause there’s the whole liquorice thing.
I have talked about liquorice in the past ‘cause I’m just not a liquorice fan, but I think black liquorice is…it does tend to be a really…not divisive thing, but people just fall on one side. They say no, no, no, I don’t like that flavor. I think that is an anise flavor. But my point was that usually before the podcast, I have a cough drop, so I picked up these cough drops while I was there getting the water, ‘cause I said this is cough drop season when I’m recording this. I said, let me see what’s going on in the cough drop department. We got any sales there? I didn’t realize there was such a thing as premium cough drops, but I guess I should have been aware of this. So, they had premium cough drops which come in boxes with names like a law firm, like Johnson & Jones cough drops.
I don’t have the box on me, but they had these anise ones and I said…and they were on sale, so that helped me have the cognitive dissonance to purchase them. Cognitive dissonance, the parts of my brain that have left in protest. That’s another book we could write one day. Maybe that could be a pod…somebody please remember to remind me. That could be a series or…Cognitive Dissonance. I think that might be something. We might be onto something. But so, I guess sometimes this podcast is about nice words like anise, even though it might…I mean, it does…I do like the flavor. I don’t like liquorice, so I don’t go after black liquorice. I think I did this in a intro; it’s just not…I say, if you want to be a…what are you? You’re not a gummy.
You’re just too…so, what I was gonna say though is I love five-spice and I know anise plays a role in there, too. So, I guess alls I’m saying is anise and whoever…whatever corporate board came up with eight-packs, you’ve won an award tonight of being so lovely and sleepy. Really; I do…anise empowered this podcast to be recorded. I wouldn’t have encountered the anise if I wasn’t walking around with two eight-packs…and I guess in some sense you do have another thing on me, ‘cause you say I could carry two eight-packs like a football stacked on one another and then still use one hand for browsing. The two twelve-packs; probably not. I’d have to put them under my…it would be even more awkward. So, another point for you, big water, or big waters, ‘cause there’s definitely…I don’t know the structure of these different companies, but I say, do I want that one or do I want this one?
Thank you for Aqua Fisante or whatever, gas…whatever they say, with gas. So, that’s it. I’m here to help. Now, I don’t…instead of…I have a little bit of bubbles of hot air coming at you, but I’m here to help because I’ve been there. I work very hard, I yearn and I strive to help you fall asleep, and I really do appreciate you checking this show out. I hope it helps. If it doesn’t, there’s LibriVox, there’s great stories on there, there’s Sleep Whispers, there’s Sleepy, there’s other sleep podcasts out there. There’s Jim Dale audiobooks. So whatever it is, I hope you find something. But give this show a few tries ‘cause it does tend…98% of people that are regular or hardcore listeners said it took them two or three tries to get used to the show. So, give it a few tries, see how it goes, and here’s a couple ways we keep the show going.
Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, changes in time or temperature, weather, all…everybody says all weather nowadays. They’ve been saying it for like, forty years. You got all-weather things. This is a…this is not an all-weather podcast. It’s for when you’re inside in all weathers, to take your mind off of stuff and to just maybe think…one person I have a great affinity for, Carl Weathers, and right after that, my mind said Werthers.
You know who’s an original? Carl Weathers. If there was a Werthers original award, if there is, I’d like to nominate Carl Weathers for it. Also have to do some Carl Weathers research just in case they say well, could you…and I say well, I don’t personally…I’d rather…and also find out what Carl Weather’s opinion on Werthers is. Oh, but so, okay, welcome to Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. So, if you’re up all night tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting asleep, trouble staying asleep, I’m here to take your mind off of that whether it’s stuff you’re thinking about, something you’re physically experiencing, or emotions that are bubbling up. As I said, I’m gonna take a safe place where you could set aside any of those things. I’m gonna try to distract you and keep you company at the same time.
Those are kinda feats that in the real world, only Carl Weathers or someone that’s like Carl Weathers…Weather-esque, Weather-like…okay, my brain said no to both those…are capable of. But so, here’s the thing; I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, superfluous meanders, extra words, celebrities many of you have never heard of. You’d say hm, it has a nice ring to it. Don’t know who Carl Weathers is, Scoots. I say, good. Well, that’s…that gives me an advantage, the theatre of the mind. Though if you’ve…but though, Carl Weathers is pretty easy on the eyes, in my opinion. So, but that’s more theatre of the mind. You could say oh, I’m picturing some…and I say great, whatever’s in your mind, that’s probably correct.
Okay, so, I’m gonna send my voice across…lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet…oh, if you’re new, welcome. I’m glad you’re here. I went off-topic early. So, let me get…let me circle back before I get lost again, which will be about one minute from now, within…with a mean, median, and mode in there. But so, structurally what to expect…I’m glad you’re here. It takes a little explaining. This is the thing; I’m gonna do some explaining. The show may make even less sense when I’m done, but it’s to try to help you…rapport building. I build rapport so I can bore. I don’t know if I’ve used that catchphrase before. Needs some work. I guess I bore with rapport. I build rapport as I bore, and soon you’ll snore. Believe me, I do not see it as a chore. Oh wait, some part of me is showing me the door. But I gotta record the podcast.
So, oh, structurally what to expect; oh, boy. Sometimes I go off-topic so early. So, structurally what to expect is…the show starts off with a few minutes of business. That’s how we keep the podcast free, coming out twice a week for you. So if you’re new, not super important. It’s more for regular listeners. The podcast is part of their lives. Then there’s a intro. Now, this is where the…one of the first places where there’s a disconnect, normally, that takes some getting used to. The intro is about twelve to fourteen to sixteen to seventeen to eleven minutes. Sometimes I’ve even seen it as high as twenty-one or nineteen or twenty minutes or twenty-two minutes, though rarely. We don’t always get into the twenties, but the intro is a big part of the show for a lot of listeners.
Now, about 2% or 3% of listeners skip the intro to around the eighteen-minute mark and then they just start listening, and the story starts somewhere in there. Then the rest of the listeners, they kinda use the intro in different ways. A lot of people listen as their part…winding down, as they’re either getting ready for bed or as they’re just getting into bed, they’re just getting settled in, moisturizing, hair-brushing, ceiling-staring. That’s a big part of my bedtime routine. Fan adjusting, those kind of things. Some listeners fall asleep during the intro and other listeners…well, other listeners also listen to the intro or the show during the day. But since the intro’s at the start of the show, I guess they usually listen to the intro just to chill out. But the intro kinda…it’s just to help ease you into the show or to put you to sleep.
It kinda mirrors the rest of the podcast. The way it works is I try to explain the podcast for about fourteen minutes and I get…keep getting distracted. Even now, I’ve got double distraction going on ‘cause part of my brain that’s aware of the great, wonderful, wide diversity of our listeners says okay, no more Carl Weathers jokes, ‘cause it’s not a…Carl Weathers…and Carl, if you’re listening, I love you. One, whether you’re in the big farm or with us, which I don’t know the answer to that; I’m…so, that’s apology one, Carl. Apology two; not…I think he had been on some famous animated shows, but not everybody knows who you are, so I don’t want to…I want to keep all the listeners inside this big, welcoming blanket fort we got going here.
Also, if you could remember, Carl, what the other thing I was talking about…before I got distracted by you, I was distracted by something else, and now I can’t remember what that is. Oh, I was rhyming. I forgot what words I was rhyme…oh, bore, snore, I adore. Me amor. Sorry, Carl. I didn’t mean to…so, oh, what happened? Oh, so the intro is where I try to explain what the podcast is. It takes me fifteen minutes. It’s kinda familiar; for a regular listener, you can say oof, there’s Scoots running on his hamster…the hamster wheel of life, trying to explain what that podcast is. Just very similar to a pet chasing a fly; you’d say…because that happened yesterday. I’d say well, the odds…and then every once in a while, I say did you get that fly, Koa?
I’d say…’cause usually you’re like, okay, you could try to get the fly; just try not to crash into anything. I’m trying to keep an eye out for you. But you’re…also in the back of your mind, you’re like, the dog’s never gonna get that fly. Then you say well, did you? But you say okay, I don’t want you to bump into stuff. I don’t want you to bump your head or pull down the blinds or all the other things you…knock my drink…all the things you do when you’re doing your fly-chasing hobby. That’s kinda what the intro is. The fly is…metaphorically, the concise concentrated description of what the podcast is. Me, I’m chasing it around, trying to say well, I’d like to…but I’m just like a dog; you ask me ten minutes from now…you’d say, could you describe that fly for me? You mean the concise definition of Sleep With Me podcast? What?
Did you say I’m gonna get a treat? Wait, what’d you ask? Oh, we’re going outside? Oh wait, there’s something over there; I’ll be back. I gotta go look at that thing buzzing around. So, that’s kinda me…I think that’s maybe a way to describe the intro. But if you’re in a chill spot, like you’re a regular listener, you say huh, that’s nice you’re chasing that fly around. ‘Cause I know as long as I keep the parameters, that you’re not gonna bump into anything and you’re not gonna catch it. So, you’re both just living your lives and you’re having fun, and the fly, I would assume, is just flying around. Could be messing with you. But it’s kinda messing with you and you’re entertained. So, I don’t know.
But that’s the intro of the show…that’s what the intro of the show is, because I can’t do it…’cause I still…honestly, I’ve made the show, what, 750 episodes or something? I don’t know. I’m still getting to know it, getting to understand it. Slowly…I don’t know. I accept I don’t know everything about sleep or what puts you to sleep. I’m just your bore-bud. I’m here to keep you company. After that, we’ll talk about our ongoing serial series, Big Farm in the Sky PI, which is a serial episodic series that’s really nice. So, we’ll do that. So, that’s what…that’s the structure of the show. In between the intro and the show are…is some business, and then there’s some thank-yous at the end of the show.
If you decide you want to skip those, you could become a patron to get ad-free and thank-you-free episodes with a thank-you from old Scoots here. So, that’s structurally what to expect. I didn’t think that would take me twelve minutes to get to. Also, a couple easy things to explain; let’s see if I can do this concisely but slowly. You don’t need to listen to this podcast. You can listen and be distracted, you can listen and be comforted, you can listen and kinda be entertained if you can’t sleep. But you could also turn me down or just barely pay attention, just like that…to go back to the thing, like when…at some point when your dog’s chasing the fly and it goes in the other room or it’s not…it’s in the center of the room where it’s not gonna bump anything, you kinda move…most of us move on.
You say well, I gotta get to that spreadsheet. So, yeah, that’s…so, what was I saying? I don’t…oh, so, you don’t need to listen to me. That was a total accident; I’ll admit it. Perfect accident. Also, there’s no pressure to fall asleep. The reason the podcast’s about a hour is I’m here to keep you company so you can fall asleep at your leisure. I’m here to walk at your side as you drift off into the arms of Morpheus. So, that’s…yeah, there’s kinda no rules. Oh, I guess with the listening thing, you could turn me all the way down to a mumble if you wish. Whatever works for you. Give it a few tries; that’s the main thing if you’re new. Of course you’re skeptical. Who wouldn’t be? This is a nonsensical idea executed in a nonsensical way, but to help. So, give it a few tries. I hope it helps.
I will say this, is a new thing I’m trying; if you don’t like the podcast, it doesn’t work for you and you’re looking for other options or you say oh, I just kinda dislike this podcast strongly, sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou. I’ll have some resources there. But give it a few tries. That’s the main thing. Almost 98% of listeners said it. The first try, I didn’t understand this or I tried to make sense of it. It was kinda frustrating. Second try, I…it didn’t make sense, but it was…and then I fell asleep. So, I think that’s it. I guess those are the…that’s the main thing you need to know about the show. I’m here to help because I’ve been there tossing and turning, waking up in the middle of the night, falling asleep for two minutes and then waking back up. I’ve done it all. I know how…the main thing is I know how it feels.
So, if I can help take your mind off of stuff or keep you company or help you fall asleep, it’d be my honor because I truly believe you deserve a good night’s sleep. You deserve the rest you crave, you desire, and you need to live your life and flourish. So, I’m happy to help. The other thing is if you’re new, I appreciate you checking the show out and stopping by. Like I already said, I really strive, I work hard, and I yearn to help you fall asleep, and here’s a couple ways we keep this show going.
Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, changes in time or temperature, clocks moving or ticking, stuff you’re thinking about, exterior stuff, situational things, feelings, sensations, whatever it is, I’d like to take your mind off of that. Like I said, I’m gonna take a safe place, I’m gonna pat it, I’m gonna smooth it, I’m gonna rub it down, I’ll polish it, I’ll smooth it. Did I say smooth it? I think I did.
I’ll say safe place, I’ll do welcoming gestures, I’ll walk backwards as I welcome you in. I say here you go, a safe place to set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, and the way I’m gonna do it is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones and pointless meanders. Those are both — if you’re new — things that may take some adjustment. Your first reaction is…might be, what are these creaky, dulcet tones or rusty meanders or pointless tangents? I’d say well, just give the show a few tries. That’s what most people say. You don’t even have to give it a few tries. I’m just here to help. I’d like to help. Go ahead and get comfortable. Don’t try to make a wholes…lot of sense of it. If you’re new, I’ll right up front walk you through.
Structurally what to expect, the show starts off with a few minutes of business. That’s more important to the regular listeners. That’s how we keep this show going and free. Then there’s an intro, and the intro we’ve just started. It’s about twelve minutes of me rambling. It’s a show within a show or an intro. It’s an introduction to the podcast; it just takes twelve minutes. So, it’s really more of a part…it’s structurally part of the podcast. Really, it’s…when you start a car in the winter and you get it warmed up, I guess that really is what it is. But I gotta go outside and do the thing where it makes a noise for a while. Then I say Scoots, take a breath. Luckily I don’t live in a winter zone anymore or have a car with a key. They say okay, come on, come on, this time warm it up.
Then it gives, then I go inside and drink…then I say okay, now I’m…put the heater on and go inside. The car, it’s a double-positive; the inside of the car is getting warmed, but also the car is getting warmed. If it was a talking car, it would say huh, warm me up. Warm it up, Chris. I’d say, I’m about to. Actually, your name is Chris. My car’s not…name is Chris. This imaginary car’s name is Chris. Nice non-binary name for a vehicle. I say yeah, Chris, I’m warming it up. I’m not only about to; you’re in the current thing of getting warmed up. So, I’m gonna go inside where it’s warm and also drink coffee, which is also cold, ironically enough. I know that’s strange, Chris, but I drink cold brew coffee in the winter and the summer, too. But I’m gonna be inside. Oh, you want me to stay here while you warm up? No problem.
Actually, the strangest thing; maybe this is a new podcast, a car warmer podcast for cars and things interesting to cars. Oh, there…I’m not…okay, but I make a sleep podcast. This is what I was doing, Chris. I was explaining to the new listeners of the sleep podcast I make that there’s a long intro that…here, some listeners fall asleep during the intro. About 3% of listeners skip the intro. A lot of listeners use it as part of their wind-down routine. Maybe they start it when they’re brushing their teeth, maybe they start it when they first get in bed, ‘cause no one’s instantly asleep as they pull the covers up and settle into their positions, set their temperature, do any balming. Chris, this is the strangest thing, and I’m not sure if it’s inside my mind or…no, the Phantom of the Opera; yeah. But no, no, not like that.
I have to…I balm the back of my neck in the winter. I don’t know what it is; it dries out or it feels like it’s dried-out. You’re right, Chris. But yeah, so, I do…what was I talking about? Oh, I was trying to talk to new listeners. It’s tough; I’ve got my attention divided between an imaginary sentient vehicle named Chris that’s warming up and talking about the intro for the podcast, which is more of a cool-down or a neutral-down. Actually, you say, this bed…I’m declaring your bedroom a safe place now, a neutral ground, because for me, bedtime can be this thing that kinda has some seriousness or some…you say…so, that’s really why I make the show and why the intro’s so long, is to warm it up and cool it down at the same time. You got that, Chris?
No, Chris, I just want you warmed up; your engine…I want your circulation to be good with viscosity and to get it nice and toasty in here right around my toes. Oh, so nice. You’re really humming, but I know I can hear your engine still racing, so I’ll give it some time. Chris, it’s the strangest thing, situational; I love the smell of your exhaust on these cool days. Hey, you have the freshest breath. Oh, yeah, you’re right; I will go in and re-brush my teeth. I did have about…okay, but I’m…oh, so that’s what the intro is, a show within a show where I misexplain what the podcast is while some people fall asleep and some people get ready to drift off. So, that’s the first part of the show.
Then the second part of the show will be where I kinda talk about…tonight it’ll be Doctor Who and it’ll barely…it may vaguely resemble a episode of Doctor Who. But it’ll be a lulling recap of it that really…that you could sleep to. Or if you can’t sleep, I’ll be there to keep you company. That’s the other thing about the show; there’s no pressure to listen and there’s no pressure to fall asleep. I’m gonna be here for about an hour to keep you company, or in this case, Chris, ‘cause I’m dividing my work, I’ll be in the car ‘til you’re warmed up to a comfortable temperature and I can hear your engine purring. Yeah, the podcast is a bit like metaphorical purring. You’re right. Chris, wow, you could have your own sleep podcast if you weren’t a vehicle and you weren’t imaginary and you weren’t trying to…I wasn’t trying to warm you up for this…yeah.
Right, get back to the…so, that’s the structure of the show. At the end is some thank-yous. Between the intro and the story is some business, again, keeping the show going. So, that’s structurally what to expect, and again, yeah, there…I’m here to keep you company as you drift off. The reason why I make the show is…I said earlier, is I’ve been there tossing and turning, wonder…the stuff that goes on when you can’t sleep that other people might not be able to relate to. I know what it’s like. I know how it feels and I really, truly believe you do deserve a good night’s sleep ideally free of the hassle and the rigmarole, but I know I don’t really have a ton of power around that.
What I do have the power to is to keep you company and to take your mind off of stuff, to be your friend, your bore-friend, your bore-bud, your bore-bruh, your bore-bae, your bore-sib, your bore-cuz, your bore-bestie to kinda sit at your bedside or across the room and to talk to you gently and kinda goof around a little bit. Car’s getting warm here. Chris is starting to purr. Usually, Chris, this is when…even my intimacy is just creep up in vehicles, so I’ll start…it really looks like I’m absentmindedly touching your buttons and things, but it’s more like I’m trying to think of what to say to break the silence within the vehicle with the vehicle. Have I mentioned how nice your dashboard is? Let me just rub my hand across your dashboard, Chris. Actually, your dashboard’s sun-warmed. I really like it.
Is this a pleather or vinyl? Those are the same thing. Really? It’s sup…do you mind if I say that your dashboard is supple to the touch? Because it is. It really is, ‘cause I’m supple…is that a…? Can a supple be a…? Is that a verb or a adverb or a adjective or a noun? Okay, I think Chris just sighed which is probably a good sign that you’re warmed up. But I was…what I was gonna ask is could it be a verb? Am I suppling? Can I supple something? If it’s supple, what am I doing? Appreciating it. You’re right, Chris, so much. I don’t know. I just imagine that there’s a verb out there somewhere, unused. What about suppulence? I know that’s not a word, but Chris, if I could describe your dashboard and your whole thing, your whole je ne sais quoi…you like that, huh? You’re supplulent. Not succulent.
I just don’t associate succulence with…this…your…this particular car, though it is feeling a little arid in here now that I’ve had the heat blasting. We’ve reached peak temperature with my coat on and stuff, but I still gotta go inside and brush the old gums, as they say. Right now I’m flapping them; you’re right, Chris. Totally caught me there. Believe it or not, Chris, though, I’m in the middle of a podcast. I think you knew that. So, maybe one day I’ll launch another podcast for cars. Once they have self-driving cars with AI, they’ll need it. So yeah, I’m…Chris, do you mind if I make a jest and say maybe I’m future-proof? Yeah, you’re…well, I didn’t mean to mispronounce future, but…fooger…I’m not Fugee-proof ‘cause believe me, as soon as I hear that, I start dancing…when I hear the Fugees.
You’ve played the Fugees before, Chris. Holy moly. Okay, so yeah, get back to…so, yeah, I’m here to keep you company. You’d say, maybe sometimes keeping a car’s company is business all on its own. Doesn’t pay, huh, Chris? It pays in the power of the heart. Holy cow, are you a poet? No wonder you’re so supple. Supple to the touch. Here’s a strange thing, Chris; I know I’ve done this before in other cars, but I don’t think I’ve laid my lips on your dashboard. That was one of my favorite country hits. I think…I don’t know…that was a crossover. I think it was Lucinda Williams…wrote that. My Lips…Laying My Lips on Your Dashboard. It was a true…it was a straightforward…it wasn’t a metaphorical tune. I used to talk about when I would bite on dashboards, which people may not believe, but it is…not bite into them.
Well, gently nibble on a dashboard. That was when I submitted lyrics. I said, what about this for a chorus? Gently nibbled on the dashboard. They said, this is the fan club. I said okay, well…Lips on the Dashboard. Okay, Chris. Chris has got a…Chris is fully warmed-up now and ready to work. So, I gotta close this out. But if you’re new, I’m here to help. I’m here to keep you company, to take my…your mind off of stuff. My mind was taken off of reality there, holy mackerel. But that’s my question, is if you were along for the non-ride, sitting in Chris, hopefully it took your mind off whatever else could have been keeping you awake. That’s the idea for the show; whether you’re asleep or awake, I’m here to keep you company throughout the deep, dark night. I work very hard and I stir…stern and I…I yearn and I strive to keep you company and to help you fall asleep. Thank you so much for coming by.
Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, changes in time or temperature, changes in routine. So, anything you’re thinking about, feeling physically, experiencing emotionally, or situationally. Some people listen when they travel or someone else travels. Or you might have something big coming up. Whatever it is, I’m here to help. What I’m gonna do is send my voice across the deep, dark night.
I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents. I’m gonna go off-topic. That’s a superfluous…I don’t know which one that is. Here’s the thing; if you’re new, I’m glad you’re here. I’m here to help you fall asleep. I’m here to take your mind off of stuff as you drift off. Now, if you’re coming in skeptical, I totally agree. I greet that with a thumbs-up. I say, no…you’re wondering what this podcast is. What am I up to? Very, very reasonable questions. Who promises to put you to sleep, right? Well, I’m more promise…I’m gonna be here while you fall asleep, so…but nice try. I almost caught myself in a…the skeptic’s dilemma, I think. That was a break-dance.
When I used to fantasize about being a break-dancer, I said I’m gonna do…I’m not just gonna fantasize about break-dancing; I’m gonna fantasize about expanding break-dancing into…and people have already done this, so of course, that’s why…you say Scoots, you’re better off on the cardboard, out in the world on the cardboard. You can’t pop and lock inside your head. I say okay, touche. I was actually trying to introduce the podcast to new listeners, but you want me to explain how…one day, I’d like to be the Alvin Ailey of imaginary break-dancing. Say okay, I’m gonna make a break-dance story called The Skeptic’s Dilemma. Also, I’d like to recruit someone to make some music to back that up. I can hear that already. Also, I’ll need a stand-in that can break-dance, and a trainer, choreographer. You see?
I actually pronounced that word correctly. Okay, but if you’re new…also, you’re right; one part of my brain just alerted me. We need to come up with a more sleepy word than break-dance. I’d say okay, we’ll try to do that. Let me get…so if you’re new and skeptical, I’m glad you’re here. Let me tell you about the structure of the show. The show starts off with a few minutes of business. I realize if you’re new, that’s asking a lot. It’s more pointed at the regular listeners ‘cause it keeps the show free for everybody, are the people that support those sponsors. Then there’s an intro. Now, a normal podcast intro would just be wiggity-wiggity intro, where mine is definitely…if you were…have you ever seen a wagon that actually makes a sound like wiggity-wiggity?
First off, you’d say Scoots, what do you bring to your break-dance competitions? Well, I bring everything in my wiggity wagon, of course, ‘cause it makes that sound. It keeps me in the…they…it sounds just like a DJ scratching a record. It’s just, my wagon’s wobbly. So, the intro. Oh, the intro, yeah, I was gonna talk about my break-dancing wagon. But eventually I may forget to get to that. So, there’s a intro. The intros of the show…is around twelve minutes. You can listen to it as you’re winding down, getting ready for bed, as you’re in bed easing in there or getting comfortable. But the…it’s kind of like a drawn-out…like drawing a bath. I know there’s a lot of jokes about drawing a bath. I can’t think of the punchline. I think that’s the punchline.
I guess I can’t think of the setup, but…but so, it’s meant to kinda ease you…yeah, like a long landing strip into bedtime. Also, I’m just not efficient at getting to the point, so…’cause I get distracted. I say man, remember those days? I used to imagine going to my break-dancing competitions. Oh, okay, I guess I should have gone to break-dancing rehearsal. You’re right; I guess I missed…if I would have watched The Good Place, I could have learned that from Jason. I know Jason was in a dance crew which is a different thing, but I could have pulled my wiggity-wiggity wagon. That could be a book, you’re right. It could be a book we write; The Wiggity-Wiggity Wagon That Wobbled. Yeah, we could…I think…I can think of other words that would fit in there too, in a good way. But what was my point?
Oh, the intros are really long and meandering. That was my point. Then there’s some business, then there’s the episode. Tonight we’re gonna be talking about the new Night Vale Presents podcast, Start With This. Well, not exactly. So, you can check out that podcast if you’re interested in starting a podcast or getting writing, starting a creative project. Queue that up and then I’ll talk…what I’ll talk about tonight is stuff I didn’t really…that I started but then didn’t…kinda how many things I started and didn’t…that got me to this podcast, just to encourage you to start. Then I guess this is meta because I say well, I did break-dance for a little while as part of tap-dancing class. So, all you lads can chuckle away. But yeah, I took tap-dance. That’s right, three, four years in a row.
We did do some break-dance moves, I guess you’d say, within tap-dance class. But I couldn’t do…here’s the thing, I’ll be honest with you; I just wasn’t…I couldn’t do the windmill. I think my brother…a couple of the other kids in class could do a windmill, but I couldn’t. I don’t know what it was. Again, it might have been a issue as I talked about; when dancing comes up on this podcast, I have no mind-body connection with my hips. So if the windmill involved moving my hips in any way, I wouldn’t have been able to do it. ‘Cause I say, what do you mean…? I don’t know…and they’d say well, you gotta move your hips. I say, I don’t know…I can’t…I can feel it when you touch my hips as an instructor, but I can’t connect…you know what I mean? I can’t move my hips on command. I guess it’s that simple.
Believe me, I’ve stood…I’ve dressed as Shakira and stood in front of the mirror, and I’m still…I’m not hipless; I have hips, but I just…there’s just no mind-body connection, or I guess I haven’t spent enough time. The Mindfulness of My Hips; that’ll be a Sleep With Me After Dark. Anyway, so, what was I saying? Structure of the show…oh, I’m gonna be talking about Start With This by the newest podcast by Joseph and Jeffrey from Welcome to Night Vale and many other amazing podcasts. So, you could check that out, but I’ll be talking indirectly about it tonight. Then we’ll have some thank-yous, so that’s structurally what to expect with the podcast. Took me a while…like I said, I go off-topic. Then…oh, so then…so that’s the structure of the show.
If you’re…also if you’re new, in addition, a couple other things you need to know. This is a podcast…you may have figured this out; you don’t really need to listen to me ‘cause I don’t make a whole lot of sense a lot of times. I just heard another part of my brain interjecting. So, this is even…sometimes I hold these parts of me at bay, but it said the road to break-dancing is a million miles, but it starts at one step at a time. I said holy cross-stitch. Did you put that on a pillow or what? Also, does it have my wiggity-wiggity wagon on there with a piece of cardboard and a boom box and some water and sunscreen? Of course, to stay hydrated. Probably my tap shoes and my plan to make whatever it was, The Skeptic’s Dilemma. Maybe a musical and…maybe it’d be a cross…a tap-break-dance crossover.
I guess that’s what I was trained in. The Skeptic’s Dilemma; this doesn’t make any sense, but…the tale of a boy who discovers his hips. A skeptical boy and a wagon set out on a journey in the world to discover his hips. That’s The Skeptic’s Dilemma. Maybe it’ll be a Sleep With Me episode one day. Probably should be. So, okay, so what was I saying, though? I totally lost track of everything. Oh, so structurally…oh, you don’t need to listen to me. There you go. That was easy. No pressure to listen, no pressure to fall asleep. This is a podcast to be here as you drift off. That’s why it’s over an hour, to give you plenty of time. I’m here to help, here to keep you company, and I guess…what else was I saying? I don’t know what I was saying. Yeah…oh, yeah, no pressure to fall asleep.
I’m here to be here, your bore-bae, your bore-cuz, your bore-sib, your bore-bestie, bore-breaking…breaking bores like break-dances. I’m wearing down the cardboard. I guess a break-dancer doesn’t break on board…on cardboard. Corrugator; that’s a nickname I made up for one of my brother’s friends. So, that’s a freebie I haven’t given out in a while. If you know anybody in the cardboard box business or in the shipping business, start calling them the Corrugator. It’s just a fun nickname. It has the perfect amount of syllables for a nickname to make someone smile. Also, maybe that’d be my sidekick. That would be the person that sets up…maybe I could have…instead of a side…yeah, a sidekick that sets up my cardboard.
I’d say, Corrugator, these hips need discover…okay, you’re right; that is a totally different story. Maybe Chuck Tingle could work on that one. Okay, so, anyway, I’m back. Or, I didn’t go anywhere. But so, I’m here to help. I’m here to take your mind off of stuff as you fall asleep. This podcast is goofy, it’s silly. If you’re new and this is your first time listening, literally, I’m not kidding, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of thousands of people have said it takes two or three tries before…to get the podcast and realize it doesn’t make a lot of sense. But the thing is, it’s here to help you. I really, truly want to…I think you deserve a good night’s sleep. I want you to be treated with dignity and respect. I want you to be able to flourish in the world and to feel safe and secure and to be able to get comfortable.
While this doesn’t work for everybody, I’m just here to take your mind off of stuff. I guess if you picture a boy, forlorn for living a life out of touch with his hips, pulling a wagon, a wiggity-wiggity wagon, maybe you could emotionally relate to some aspect of that. Who is that, Rockwell? Who was that Saturday evening post? Norman Rockwell, right? I don’t know if there was a…I think there is a archetype there. I was thinking of pictures, like Santa Claus drinking sodas, but I think that’s just ‘cause of my…I’ve absorbed so much marketing. Anyway, I’m here to help. That’s my main message; to take your mind off of stuff and to keep you company as you drift off. If you’re new, I really appreciate you coming by and checking out the show. I work very hard, I yearn and I strive, and I really want to help you fall asleep. Thanks a lot.
Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, thinking…stuff on your mind, physical sensations that you’re experiencing, or feelings that happen to be coming up or that you’re dealing with. Whatever it is. It could be changes in time, temperature. It could be just a…you’ll…if you’re traveling, the night before travel thing; that happens to me. I mean, it all happens to me. You got something big tomorrow, had something big yesterday.
Whatever it is that’s keeping you awake, I’d like to take your mind off of stuff and to keep you company and to help you fall asleep. Also to maybe brighten up your mood or just to be here to keep you company. The way I’m gonna do it is I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, I’m gonna try to smooth and…basically create an auditory safe place. Like a auditorium. I wonder if that’s because I thought the acoustics were good in there. But this is a auditory safe place where you say well, I associate auditoriums more with having…have my…sit-up-straight situation. I’d say no problem; this is not a auditorium. This is a safe place. You could lounge, you could…some people like sitting up straight.
So, if you want to sit up straight, go ahead. You want to lie down? You want to kick back? Also, you could change positions at any moment. Like I said, alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. So, what I’m gonna basically do is…structurally, if you’re new, welcome. The first thing I’m gonna do is do some rapport-building. All my ratings on rapport-building have come in…I say, your rapport so…I don’t know. Also, my rhyming around rapport, it is poor. But ideally, it’ll lead you to snore. I didn’t even realize snore rhymed with rapport until…and you say Scoots, there was twenty-seven intros where you rhymed rapport and snore. Well, I forgot about those. That’s a good thing I have…I guess when I say…I’m not absentminded; my memory is absent.
Say, can you check in memory’s office and see if…where we are with those rapport jokes? I say yeah, sorry, Scoots, memory’s out of the office, OOF or whatever. So, how many days in a row has the memory been absent for work? Well, memory usually rolls in around 10:15, checks the break room, checks the snack room, checks the outdoor work area, and then circles back around. Then, I don’t know, says I got some meetings, so I’ll see you in a…I gotta run out to a client. Okay, whoa, hold up. Aren’t I my memory’s only client? Like I said, Scoots, I’m just delivering the message. Then maybe some days, those meetings…well, memory will text me and say you know what?
This is a big…I gotta run over…sometimes it’ll be a personal…they’ll say, I need some…sometimes the memory says you know, I have some in lieu time from when I was working late the other day. So, I won’t be back in the office actually this week again. Wow, I’ve…I think I’ve worked with a lot of people like this memory. Sometimes memory will come back after lunch to sit…to chill or check back in with people. Then usually around 2:15 to 3:00 PM, if memory’s in the office, usually taking a little snooze. If not, usually out of the office. Okay, great. I gotta get back to my…I don’t want to be absent in my rapport-building. So, that was a superfluous tangent, if you’re new. Structurally, I wanted to give you…what to expect. I wanted to do it about four minutes ago.
But that really gives me some insight into some stuff. I don’t know, hopefully I’ll write this down later. Say okay, when it’s time for…I don’t know, can you give your memory a performance review? Looks like another part of my brain just pulled out, too. Maybe they’re out to lunch together. Also when they say out to lunch…now, for me, this has a whole new meaning. I’d say oh, I thought that was a metaphor. You’re serious; they’re not gonna…out to lunch for the rest of the day. My memory and my vocabulary brain, they’re on a mimosa-based lunch somewhere, and it’s friggen Tuesday. I say, what in the…you gotta have this episode out. So anyway, if you’re new, sorry about that. Structurally what to expect, the show starts of with business.
That’s how we keep it free, then there’s…’cause it’s a sleep podcast, then there’s an intro. The intro is around twelve to fifteen minutes or so, kind of a show within a show. They’re actually a part of the podcast that you are welcome to skip. You can skip ahead to about eighteen minutes, but most people, as they start to listen to the podcast, it kinda becomes part of their wind-down routine or their falling-asleep routine, kinda depending on the listener. Some people like to start it before they get in bed and they kinda listen. Maybe they do some light crocheting, maybe some medium-weight crocheting, maybe some heavy knitting. I don’t know. Or any of those metaphorically. Cross-wording, some…I don’t know if journaling…that may be distracting. Doodling. Here’s something; let’s start this together.
I didn’t mean to go off-topic once again, but let’s…maybe this could be part of a thing we do together, bedtime doodles. Also, maybe…if my lawyer is listening, let’s see…can we afford to trademark that? No. Okay, I have that answer. Bedtime Doodles; the newest Netflix. Call me back. I’m serious, by the way. Well, actually, don’t call me back; message me. But let’s do this. I think that’s a show we could do, Bedtime Doodles. Also, if you’re looking for a nickname for me, I think I’d like to be called Bedtime Doodles from now on. Doodles is nice. That’s what they’d say, too. But what if we do some bedtime doodling? Doodling and noodling aren’t that different, you know, with your pen. So, you could do any of those things. You could skip the intro.
More and more people do listen during the day, especially if they’re…they have a co-worker like my memory where you say okay, I guess I’ll just do the memory’s work for it. That’s what I usually do, especially since I work for myself now. I can’t believe it. But you say well, life lessons, I keep learning them, even when I work just for me. But where was I? Oh, you could skip the intro. But it’s kinda part of a show. See how it goes. Then there’s business that’s, again, how…that’s important to keep the podcast free for everybody. Then there’s a bedtime story. Tonight it’ll be our ongoing episodically modular series, Big Farm in the Sky PI, Season 2, The Phantom Minnow season. That’s a mouthful. Then it’ll just be a nice bedtime story. Tonight will be a really nice one, I think. Then we have some thank-yous at the end.
There’s structurally what to expect. This is a podcast you don’t really need to listen to or make sense of if you don’t want to. You could kinda just kick back in bed if you’re new, see how it goes, give it a few tries. We just passed our 2,000th written review on Apple Podcasts of people taking their time to write a review, which I really appreciate. A lot of them say hey, it took me two or three tries to get used to the show. If you’re…and by the way, if you’re saying well, I’m listening to this and I think the…you can also…if you definitely think the show is a one-star show, go to sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou. I got some resources for you if you def…but give it a few tries. See how it goes. I’m just here to help. There’s also no pressure to fall asleep.
The reason the podcast is an hour and there’s three hundred episodes ready to go is that if you need them, I’m here. I’m here to keep you company. I’m here at the episodes all the way to the end, so that if you can’t fall asleep…yeah, that I’m here to keep you company. I know there is listeners out there, and I care about you. In all honesty, I do. I care about you if you fall asleep in one minute, I care about you if you fall asleep in eighteen minutes, I care if you’re waking up in the middle of the night and you’re listening for twenty minutes to say hey Scoots, keep me company while I fall back asleep here. If you’re on the other side of the world, I care. I don’t know, what was the main example I said? If you’re gonna write me one…I don’t know if I care for your opinion about that thing, but that’s why I said go to sleepwithmepodcastno…/nothankyou.
But…sleepwithmepodcast.com, sorry. But I do care. Sorry, sometimes I have to break up the intimacy with subtle humor. But yeah, if you can’t sleep, however you use the show, I believe you do deserve a good night’s sleep, and oh, I’m here to the very end ‘cause I know how it feels when you can’t fall asleep, too. I don’t know, that’s why I make the show, is to make bedtime less of a rigger and more like a roll. Or when you say marole…if you go to a renaissance festival and they have cinnamon rolls or any kind of roll and you say…or you’re selling rolls and you would say…you want to say instead of more rolls, you say m’rolls, m’lady, m’lord? M’rolls? You’d be surprised at how much crossover there is between being a salesperson at a renaissance festival and making a sleep podcast.
This isn’t the only time this has come up. Malaise, that’s another one you can use at renaissance fairs. You say well…you say, let’s take the malaise out of malaise. Take it, bring it to a renaissance festival, find the queen and her…whatever they’re called, the party, and you say, malaise? Queen, malaise? The same thing; if you’re selling rolls or you say to your friends, hey, I’m gonna get something, you want m’rolls? I don’t know if there’s any restaurants, like sit-down restaurants, with rolls on your table, but if you were a part of the wait staff, you could say let me see, any refills here? Any m’rolls, m’lords, m’ladies? Okay, I guess I got to the point which is usually, these intros, they never…they reach a point, and it’s a nub-like point, but I’m here to help. That’s the main thing I wanted to get across.
Give the podcast a few tries, see how it goes. I’m here to help. I’m very glad you’re here and giving me this chance to kinda earn your trust. Again, it’s…it doesn’t have to be a all-or-nothing thing. You say well, I’m not so sure about this podcast. The next time you listen, you might say, no idea what that podcast was. Then sometimes between those two listens and the next time you listen, you go to a renaissance fair and you start giggling. Then you say hm, why was I giggling at that renaissance fair, saying malaise and m’rolls? Also, if you were…you could…I don’t know. I was trying to figure out a way to say…get the rigmarole in there without being…saying wiggity-wack. But so, where was I? I got off-topic. I rolled…without rigor, I’ve been rolled. I’ve been Rick…don’t Rick Roll anybody at a renaissance festival, either.
I guess you could if you were…here’s the thing; how about Rick…anybody…could we do a Go Fund Me to get Rick Astley at a renaissance festival dressed up with a mandolin or something and just Rick Roll…is anyone ultra-wealthy that actually listens to this podcast? Or sometimes Max from Cards listens, so somebody send Max this message, or Alex at Cards, too. What if…I mean, I realize; they say well, hello, Scoots. 2004 called. I say well, that’s when…that’s about my style. It’s different because it would say…I just think that would be cool. If we could get Rick…Mr. Astley…is it…? Okay, sorry. I gotta get…I gotta wrap this intro up though, Mr. Astley. But you…if we could get you…if your people…well, my…I don’t have…yeah, if we could work that out, it’d be excellent.
It would be something I would never…I’d never want to give it up. You might find a whole new life in renaissance fairs. Anyway, sorry. I’m glad you’re here. I’m really excited to put you to sleep tonight, to keep you company, to take your mind off of stuff. I appreciate you coming by. I work very hard on this show and I yearn and I strive to help you fall asleep. Here’s a few of the ways we’re able to keep this show going.
[END OF RECORDING]
- Weathers Werthers
- M’rolls, m’lady?
- The Fugees
- Rick Astley
Notable Talking Points:
- Some Billy Bass Context
- We gotta get these water margins up
- Was there a Norman Rockwell archetype about this?