1022 – Burritos and IHOPs | The Good Place to Sleep S2 E11 and 12

Episode 1022 – Burritos and IHOPS | The Good Place to Sleep S2 E11 and 12

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER:    Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s time for the sleep podcaster, patrons, who’s looking at a…I’m coming at you from the front seat of a car.  I’m looking at a one and a nine on a sign, but I’m here.  I’m here to put you to sleep.  I’m coming at you from the past.  You’re in my future, and hopefully at least some comfort, some taking your mind off of stuff, and ideally a good night’s sleep, but not necessary.  Some chills are in your future, courtesy of Scoots.  Thanks, patrons.

 

INTRO:    [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever is keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts, things on your mind that you’re thinking about, so thoughts, thinking stuff, feelings, it could be emotions that are coming up for you related to those thoughts, or something else.  Could also be physical sensations, changes in time or temperature or routine.

 

Maybe you’re sleeping somewhere else, maybe somebody else is on the road, maybe you’re…whatever it is that’s keeping you awake.  Could be a lot of different things, right?  Whatever it is, I’m here to take your mind off of stuff and keep you company so you can fall asleep, and I’m glad you’re here.  What I propose to do is to try to create a safe place, and oh boy, do I have a tangent to go on about safe places and how you behave in a safe place, if I remember.  But what I’ll do is I’ll send my voice to try to establish the safe place, earn your trust, or at least establish some rapport.  I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night, I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents.  That means I’m gonna go off-topic, I’m gonna get mixed up, I’m gonna repeat myself.

 

My voice is not traditionally sleepy or soothing; it’s more something…you say oh, wait a second, this is something…it’s not forgettable.  My voice is somewhere in-between unforgettable and something you can’t…I don’t know what the opposite of unforgettable is.  Oh, forgettable.  I was thinking oh, what’s un…I was thinking of something even better than unforgettable.  Creaky, dulcet tones are on the other side.  You say well, they’re not quite forgettable; they’re…and they’re not unlistenable.  They’re like something I could listen to, but I don’t need to.  He has a voice you’re not sure if you want to listen…it’s not a voice you don’t want to listen to and it’s not a voice you really feel compelled to listen to.  You just say I don’t know, I could kinda listen to him.  Could kinda pay attention.  So, that’s it.  That’s part of it.

 

A couple other things if you’re new; this show is not for everybody and I totally understand if it’s not for you.  Just kinda give it a few tries.  That’s what hundreds and hundreds of thousands of people have said over the years I’ve been making the show.  They say well, it took two or three tries.  Or another popular one is I listened to you once, strongly disliked you.  Years later…I’ve gotten this review hundreds of times; years later, came back, listened again.  Now I listen every night.  So, I guess it’s kind of like an acquired taste or a taste you eventually acquire.  So, give it a few tries.  The reason I make the show is twofold; one, you deserve a good night’s sleep.  So, if you’re listening to this and you only take away one thing, that’s what I hope you take away; you deserve a good night’s sleep.  You deserve a place you could rest.

 

You deserve bedtime to not feel like rigmarole or something we D-R-E-A-D or however you spell that word, because that’s been the case for me.  You deserve something better, so if it’s not this show, I hope you find something else that does that for you because your life will be better, and then our world will be better.  If your life is a little bit more manageable tomorrow, that’s the greatest thing…really, that’s great.  So, that’s one reason.  The other reason is — and it kinda goes along with that — I’ve been there.  I know how it feels, so if I can help you take your mind off of things, keep you company so if you can’t sleep I’ll be here, but if you fall asleep and you’re just not listening to me or barely listening and you get some rest too, that’s amazing.  So, that’s why I make the show.

 

A couple other things that go along with that; one is this is a podcast…like I said, you don’t really listen to it.  You just barely pay attention.  The other side of it is this is a podcast…I…what is…?  Oh, it doesn’t really put you to sleep.  It just keeps you company while you drift off.  But those things can be hard at first.  You’re like, when is this thing gonna get started?  The show, it’s always going; it never gets started.  So, those are two things.  A couple other things that can throw new listeners off; one is the structure of the show.  Show starts off with a greeting so you feel seen and welcome.  Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, so you know I’m here for you.  Then there’s listener support, like support options for you, for the community around the show, and the community…the world we live in.

 

Then there’s support for the podcast so it can come out and meet our goals.  We want to be free and twice a week in high-quality as possible.  So, the sponsors and the listener support enable that.  Then there’s an intro which we’re doing now, and the intro is one of those things that can throw people off.  They say, is that part of the sponsors?  No.  It’s a show within a show that tends to drag on, but it’s different every time.  Some things have the same…a show that you watch with your eyes.  It might have the same opening sequence or whatever.  For Sleep With Me, it’s different every time because I really believe those parts of us that are keeping them…keeping us up at night, they adjust pretty fast.

 

So, if the intro isn’t familiar and comfortable but also different every time, it’s my belief it wouldn’t be as effective.  But it’s also fun.  I’m here to keep you…I’m not just here to put you to sleep.  I’m here to keep you company, to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-cuz, your bore-sib, your bore-bestie.  Part of that is being here, being here for you every episode with something new.  So, that’s the structure of the show.  After the intro will be some sponsor stuff, again, so we could come out twice a week for free.  Then the…we’ll be talking about The Good Place, the…almost the tail-end of the second season, then some thank-yous and goodnights.  So, that’s the structure of the show and why I make it.  I gotta tell you on the last thing…and this kinda goes with the safe place.

 

So, I was just watching — while I was getting ready to record — two kittens playing around.  I mean, a very country-like rural area and where I’m in a parking spot in a car.  I’m looking up at a hill and there’s a stump on the hill.  The people that live next door to us, they have two kittens.  This is the kinda place that’s rural; you let the kitten…the kittens can run free.  Their mom’s around somewhere.  They were on the stump playing.  They were playing with each other and they were also playing with a tree whose branches were leaning down by the stump, kind of play-fighting with the tree…tree branches.  I said to myself in a real honest way; I said, that’s how you kinda behave when you’re in a safe place.  They were having…it looked like it to me, and again, this is a form of rejection.

 

I mean, that’s part of podcasting and sleep podcasts, of course, and one of my…what’s one of your hobbies?  Projecting different means of that kinda stuff.  But anthropomorphizing, misusing words…but these kittens, they seem like they were having the time of their lives; fighting the tree, jumping at the tree, jumping on each other, jumping off the stump, running back, jumping on it, jumping on…rolling around, running away, running back.  That’s kinda how our thoughts can be a lot of times, but I don’t think they really are.  They might seem like that at a distance.  You say, my mind’s running around like a couple of kittens.  But you say well, one thing that’s missing is that sense of play that those kittens had.

 

So, when you’re…our thoughts are in a place that’s a little bit more based on what’s gonna be on that spreadsheet tomorrow or whatever is…but when there’s a little bit more safe place that I’m trying to establish here, you say oh wait a second, I could just sit around and watch those kittens tumbling.  Is there something called the Kit Olympics?  Kit…there’s almost a word there.  Kit Olympics.  Not kid…they’d say, Kid Olympics?  No; like, Kitten Olympics.  They have the Puppy Bowl.  Kitten Olympics; I could just say it fast.  We don’t even have to shorten it.  It’s KittenOlympics, one word.  Well, what is it?  Mostly tumbling.  Cuteness, changing words so they seem cute, like changing hot to hawt…putting a W in words.  That won’t be…that’ll be part of our signage.  Mostly tumbling, rolling around…oh yeah, batting.

 

Oh boy, will there be a lot of batting.  Two kinds; batting to roll around in and kittens batting things.  Yeah, I’m looking forward to the Tree Branch Jumping competition, and that would be the…what that poster…we’ll be doing it over safe areas for kittens, areas full of batting, B-A-T-T-I-N-G.  Oh, eyelash batting.  I didn’t even think of that as a…can we do that?  It won’t be really competitive.  It’ll have a spirit of competition and whatever kittens are into that’s sustainable we could give them as awards.  I don’t know.  It wouldn’t be like, Meow Mix, because…I mean, maybe.  I don’t know.  It’d be something like that, though.  Whiskers, oh boy, will I sing whiskers on kittens and bright velvet roses or whatever.  Yeah, we’ll have somebody sing that at the opening ceremonies which will probably be the cutest, ‘cause we’ll just have kittens.

 

Maybe we just…you know, this is kinda…the Kitten Olympics; best done in your imagination, where the…when or where are they held?  Whenever you need them.  How about we get Calgon on the phone?  Remember I liked to bring up Calgon when I was a child.  When I was a kid, they didn’t really have spas, or at least they were only for the ultra-wealthy.  But they did have a commercial on TV.  It was normally a mom, and she was…she had had a rough day and she would take a bath.  They’d say Calgon, take me away.  The bath had psychedelic halluciniginable…it had all these…but we could get with them and just say Kitten Olympics, take me away.  Then the image of kittens running around doing cute things and having fun…I don’t know.  Is there a way to invoke that spirit?  I guess I have to reach out to you, dear listeners, and say how could we invoke the inner…internal spirit of the Kitten Olympics without actually doing it?

 

Because logistically sounds…well, one, I’m allergic to cats.  To answer the question that just popped in my brain; don’t know if I’m allergic to kittens.  I would assume so.  Probably safe to assume ‘cause their mother should be nearby, or could be.  But also, Kitten Olympics, like I said, best on in the…in your imagination.  So anyway, I guess I…what I’m saying is I hope I can invoke the spirit of the Kitten Olympics tonight and just have a sense of play as I talk about The Good Place or episode after episode when I’m here for you goofing around to keep you company and to take your mind off stuff, to create that sense of safe place where you can jump at a branch, where you could kick up your heels, where you could roll around and just have fun, or just get in your bed and…why don’t you do a little bit of that?

 

Not the extreme like the kittens were doing, but you know, do a little kitten digging where you’re digging into your bed, getting comfortable, because you deserve a good night’s sleep.  That’s why I make the show.  I’m really glad you’re here.  I work really hard, I yearn and I strive, I appreciate you coming by, and I really hope I can help you fall asleep.  Thanks again and here’s a couple of ways I’m able to do this for you free twice a week.

 

Alright everybody, we’re talking Season 2, Episode 10 and 11.  We’ll be running through my notes first, seeing what we could read.  Starts off Rhonda, Diana, Jake, and Trent.  Germaine?  Lucky bock mouth?  Oh, lucky bookmark.  Oh, Chidi has his lucky bookmark.  I figured that one out.  They’re sitting in pairs.  It’s a bit like a roller coaster in that blank space we see in other seasons.  Then Michael kinda shows them a readout of the Neutral Zone.  TGP, The Good Place, and…or TBP, The Bad Place, on either side.  He explains the main obstacles.  He says okay, basically, in the Neutral Zone is Janet…Jennifer Lawrence?  Does that say Justin Lone?  Janet Warehouse.  Oh, I rewrote it.  An IHOP, judge’s quarters, and accounting.  International…Inter-dimensional Hole of Pancakes.  So, you don’t want to eat them.

 

Somewhere in the Neutral Zone…oh, wait a second.  Oh, to get to the Neutral Zone, though, you gotta go to the Bad Place to find this portal that’s all mixed up in the Bad Place.  We also need Upper Management pins.  He has his pin and then he puts it on, shows them.  Can I have it?  Upper Management pins.  I don’t know what that means.  I’m luggage, Good Janet says.  She says I’m luggage, ‘cause she doesn’t need a pin.  Disguises…it’s complicated.  Like a…like grunge?  Like a grunge?  Like an orange, it is.  I thought…it looks like…it’s neither an O nor a G, my handwriting, but it’s like an orange.  I thought it…like a grudge.  But I said that doesn’t belong in a sleep podcast.  I had a driftwood probate.  I had a different…it’s definitely different.  I had a different profile, I had a different probate.  Definitely not that.

 

I’d have a different plan, polish.  We go to Chapter 24.  Alice’s dramatic dream…Tremaine…crampery.  City council…huh.  Alice’s drameen…dramatic comedy.  City center.  I don’t know what that says.  Alice…aliases.  Okay.  What are the other names?  Oh, Rhonda…I don’t see Rhonda on there.  Diana, Tremaine…okay.  Maybe that says what’s on her license.  City…Canada City, Canada.  That’s what it says.  Here’s the thing, Scoots; there’s definitely no Y at the end of Canada.  I could tell you from the future.  C-A-N-A-D…maybe an A and a Y.  So, I must have been thinking…my brain was already processing ‘city’, so I combined Canada and city.  Kind of my own shorthand, but the only thing is that shorthand people know how to interpret later.  We interpreted it.  Dabbled in acting, Tahani says.  Baz Luhrmann threw glitter on me.

 

This is really…I mean, Jason has a lot of strong jokes, but the performance for Tahani of Rhonda Mumps is really, really good.  He says, I’m not gonna be Blake Bortles.  Then they say, not Jortles.  Yeah, Jake Jortles.  Eleanor says lying is second nature at this point.  Jason looks sharp in hat.  Tahani…us account.  I don’t know what that means.  Tahani…oh, US accent.  Dumb double-A, A double-S.  Oh cursing, how I’ve missed you.  What if we lose twelve points?  Start talking about lying and principles.  Okay.  Cool with it?  Train’s moving.  Jason…pocket square to the light.  Janet looking at him with love in her eyes.  Tire fixed?  Is that what that says?  Oh, tie fixed.  Broadcase, but that’s a briefcase.  Tire fixed in a broadcase.  Pateted.  Pateted.  Looks like I was trying to spell out something.  Pateted.

 

Did someone say something like…?  Pateted.  Briefcase…pateted.  Bring back Janet with hard on Janet.  I’m not saying that; I’m just saying…being Bad Janet versus…is…oh, being Bad Janet is hard on Janet.  I knew it was hard on.  Here, pause, Tahani…oh, train station.  There’s that…the poster in the train station is Pirates of the Caribbean.  Michael says act unusual or something.  Act untented.  Untented, according to my writing.  Into red carpet halls.  Place and area is a place…the Hall of Human Misery.  Does it have a gift shop?  Hall of Low something…Low-Grade Crappiness.  A flamingo flossing in a open office.  Back soon; bye.  Be careful.  Robot-like; be careful.  Don’t get all goopy.  Empty plate waiter.  Empty plate waiter.  Then plum…oh, then a planner.  Bad Janet arrived.

 

She makes a mom joke and a big crowd is coming.  SOB.  SOB…ad.  Good Place bird…oh, Good Place Bank.  Shawn’s office, but that’s actually the Bad Place, Scoots.  Act’s up, man.  It’s Transformers…zips my tip.  Exhilar…oh no; exhilaration papers?  Not exhilaration papers, but extradition papers.  File them with the judge.  Plan’s in motion and purity.  Working Chidi…canstanacobe.  Dap it out.  Toxic masculinity…dirk.  Dirk dancery.  Brat…so wand.  Talking is good at it.  Oh, Tahani is good at it.  Will this end it?  What this end it.  Shawn; conference room with Michael.  Michael stress.  Chidi stresses.  Eleanor sits him down.  Jonathan Darcy; moral patch…particularism.  Is that what…?  Particularism.  Patchism.  Patchism.  Moral Patchism.  P-A-T-I-C-H-I-S-M.  No absolute rule.  We’re in literal Hell.

 

Life throws you curves…curveballs.  Exhilaration.  I don’t know, that’s the second time I’ve seen exhilaration.  I know that’s wrong, but…exhilaration.  Exhalation.  Bad Janet…walkie-talkie mouth…like, is Mike…like is Michael’s slug person.  Split up.  Found him.  Peep this, dawg.  Give him bar…bores…borbs her use.  Her like Eleanor.  Give him bores.  Her use…her light…Eleanor.  Take back ref.  Some kind of line.  Ball-tip.  Give it, Trent.  You could see my writing is not exactly poetic.  I was doing this in the car, though.  I wasn’t…I was a passenger.  Janet collects the green.  Feast your eyes.  Everything is fine.  Oh, so this is…so, basically, let me see if I can catch up, ‘cause it’s really…so, they go into this museum and there’s a reception going on in the museum.

 

They’re pretending they’re Bad Place people at this party, so they split into two groups; Tahani and Eleanor, and Jason and Chidi.  Immediate…not that…Jason easily assimilates.  So does Tahani.  Eleanor kinda is more keeping a eye on everybody.  I think Eleanor’s like, just stick with Jason; he can talk to anybody.  Then they meet actually the husband of the star of the show, and so, he’s there pretending he’s this…I don’t think he’s Trent.  He think’s Chidi’s Trent, so he says wait a second, this is my buddy Trent.  We used to work together like, three hundred years ago.  But he was all…even the fake Chidi was awkward.  So he’s like oh, you’re so awkward still, man.  He goes, I need help figuring out this one thing for my new Toxic Masculinity department.

 

Chidi’s having trouble with all the lying and stuff, so that’s a real challenge for him.  Meanwhile, Michael was like wait a second, I was just gonna get these pins and go back and pretend we were going to the judge for extradition.  Meanwhile, Shawn’s like, we’re gonna do this on the downlow and just take those…the Soul Squad from the Medium Place.  So, they’re sending people into the Medium Place to get everybody out.  I think that already happened.  They go in there and now, meanwhile, some…this is a party to reveal a new exhibit.  So at some point, yeah, they…while they’re…oh, so they go in and then they realize that the Bad Place people aren’t there.  I don’t think they quite realize yeah, Michael’s in on it this second, because they say wait a second, who’s there, just Derek and Mindy?

 

They’re like, singing that song from Bad Co.  Then the…oh, so people run out.  No Janet.  Bortles…just school.  Oh, okay, so they run out.  Michael grabs their jackets.  Is that it?  That’s all my notes?  Okay, yeah.  So then Rhonda Mumps, Jortleist, go.  So, basically they reveal the new exhibit which is the Bad…the Good…the Soul Squad, and they kinda play it up.  Then we realize wait a second, that’s Trent.  Wait, that’s Rhonda Mumps.  They’re actually able to extricate themselves by Jason’s chaos plan.  Then they run down to Bank Hall…oh, go…Bank Hall…Jortleist.  Oh, he says Blake Jortles, or maybe he says Jake Jortleist.  They run out.  They get away.  They get to a bank portal.  Michael shows up with Janet, or maybe Janet’s not there.  I don’t know.  No Janet.  Now go, you three.  So, he gives a thing to Jason; he goes.

 

Tahani and Chidi go.  Then he goes okay, well, I just solved the Trolley Problem.  Eleanor says, what are you saying?  He goes oh, well, I solved the Trolley Problem.  I only have one more pin.  I give it to you; go.  Take care of everybody.  Rolling right into the next episode, they go through the portals.  They’re yelling…barfs in the ‘nother dimensions.  No Michael.  Kind music.  Jason has a question where we didn’t even get to say goodbye to Michael; not even a toodle-oo.  The door seals shut.  We’re on our own.  What’s the judge?  They see a…oh, so they’re in this hall, kinda like a bank elevator area like we see in Season 4.  Is this the judge?  It’s just a burrito.  Is this part of the test?  Not scared of my…of any burrito.  They make a slow approach to the burrito.  We doth seek.  Judge rolls up.  What’s up, guys?

 

Chapter 25.  Tapatio sauce.  I’m not sure.  Just came?  Did you just come here?  You’re so bad.  Portal is sealed.  Get comfortable.  Got all your files delivered by pneumatic tomb.  I thought you were omniscient.  Been watching some Ken Burns.  I have an appointment.  Something…desend…something.  I don’t know.  Desmond?  You guys are so cute.  No advocates.  Please hear our case.  I love your accent.  Tahani’s talking to her.  She says I love your accent.  Tahani says, take a sad song and make it better, like my godfather said.  She doesn’t say na-na-na-na.  Let’s do it.  Oh, so happy.  Michael and Shawn, you’re a traitor.  Shawn’s very let down.  You’re basic.  This Good Janet was marbleized, so the Bad Janet said she marbleized the Bad…the Good Janet.  Judge test…zoop.  Up you go.  Sort of that way.

 

You should be in the Bad Idea Place.  Then Jason goes into a test room…teal room…tea room with a beanbag.  Titans versus the Jaguars.  The judge tells Tahani her name’s Gen, like hydrogen.  You’ve gotta go through the red door at the end.  Everyone will talk about what they truly think about you.  Pass her…Tahani halls…Shawn and Michael.  Pretty Little Liars, Stephen King…mistake was made.  They belong in the Good Place.  Fair and vacation…stupid rules.  One of them will screw it up.  Get rid of him.  Follow me.  Judge Eleanor and Chidi…two tests.  No door…oh, two doors, no test.  You guys are in.  We made it?  Planetary, not stupid.  Just the two of you.  My burrito…walks off.  This is the test.  Not some offer.  Hot sauce on chin.  Concept of envy.  What do moral quandary…grimace.  Not a test.

 

Way worse; a choice.  Jason meditating.  You already knew this is the test.  Then Tahani’s parents talking…Kamilah.  Exactly the point.  Ate Cheeto and…I just put ‘ah’, but…and shagged a Floridian.  I wish you both the best.  Through the door.  Last words…not retirement.  Unmarked room for eternity.  Giant stack of New Yorkers.  Goodbye.  Classic farts…here comes the door or the bore.  None…here comes the beer.  None by…Shawn out.  Good Janet…Eleanor pacing through spare doors.  Morally, we are allowed to.  So what about the ethics?  Not the real Chidi.  99% sure, quadruple-check.  This ain’t Chidi.  Never forget about ethics.  Will try…will time.  Caster for sides.  What does that say?  East caster?  Forcedes.  Caster forcedes…Chidi’s do…two hats…12203.  Brown…no; brown hat.

 

Alright…for stuff…going to bad.  Alright for stuff going to Bed Place.  Alright, fun stuff…going to Bad Place.  Maybe that’s what it says.  Alright, fun stuff; going to Bad Place.  Tell me why.  82 minutes…come on.  We all failed.  Shall we?  Doors open.  Video of us.  Off to internal damnation.  Yelling Michael and Janet.  Hey, guys.  With that, my notes come to an end, but not our discussion of the episode ‘cause Scoots is gonna talk about everything he saw or sees on the videotape.  Thanks.  Scoots, take it away.  Alright, so let’s go to the episode here.  It opens with the train chug, chug, chugging along.  Eleanor and Michael are standing.  She sits next to Chidi.  He’s checking his pockets.  He’s kinda dismayed they’re going to…you know, not feeling so hot about going to the Bad Place HQ.

 

Michael kinda explains everything that I explained; gotta get to the judge, gotta go through the Bad Place.  Gotta get to the portals.  Janet Warehouse is there.  Accounting, IHOP…get…Inter-dimensional Hole of Pancakes.  We get a lot of Jason jokes in there.  Yeah, so we’re gonna have to go undercover.  Probably won’t be able to tell the truth.  We need these Good Place pins, which makes me realize that Michael must have given his to Eleanor.  Don’t worry; I’ll get four more.  Janet can be a carry-on.  I’m luggage.  Janet has…they…Janet has Bad Place supplies for all…costumes…what are those things called where you’re going undercover?  Disguises.  Jason also offers an alternative plan which they end up using later.  Total chaos.  It works every time.  Create a new problem.

 

Solve a problem by creating a problem.  The Good Place, Chapter 24.  Glasses on, disguises on.  Diana Tremaine…this is one of the things I couldn’t read.  123 Whatever Street, Canada City, Canada.  Tahani loves being Rhonda Mumps.  She’s really good at it.  Work at the Hot Dog Factory.  Michael says you gotta be more specific than that.  He’s giving her direction.  She says okay, I can be more specific.  He says, yeah.  Not Blake Bortles but Jake Jortles.  Jake, Jake Jortles, Molotov.  Okay…eight hundred reboots; we should be good at lying.  Chidi?  No.  Can’t do it.  He goes to the back of the train.  Eleanor goes…his thing…sit with him.  Tahani says Mondays…pass the Nascar ketchup.  Hey buddy, I know you don’t want to lie; principles and all that.  No one’s gonna be mad.  Really?  No.  Yeah, we’re mad.

 

Come on.  I can swear, I can lie.  Look, Eleanor, we’re gonna go for a judge.  What if we lose twelve points for lying?  We needed twelve points.  Can’t lie to demons?  Principles aren’t principles when you pick and choose when you’re gonna follow them.  I won’t lie.  Okay.  Chidi is so principled.  Then we see the train.  Eleanor says we’ll figure it out.  That’s when Jason and Janet have a moment over a pocket square and his tie.  She says you look nice.  He says oh boy, do you, too.  She says okay, here’s a briefcase.  We get way more jokes.  She says, maybe no briefcase.  Janet, get into character as a Bad Janet.  She says well, I could be passive-aggressive.  I learned that, but that’s not quite the level they’re looking for.  So, we see her go back and forth about glasses of water, please.  She’s doing her best, though.

 

She’s doing her best to make trouble.  Back-up glasses…oh boy.  Let’s keep working at it.  The train goes into the station.  Pirates of the Caribbean 6 premiere is coming up in the Bad Place.  People are getting off.  There’s plenty of announcements.  Michael’s nervous.  Just act unnatural.  They go into this hall.  It’s just a place, just a place, a location.  Pretty straightforward.  An area or location.  Oh, Museum of Human Misery, Hall of Low-Grade Crappiness.  Michael says this isn’t very…this is the least…it’s not very popular, so no one should be here.  That’s the first flossing in a open-plan office, first photos, first waiter to say oh, it looks like the…some make a bad joke about dinner, first ultimate Frisbee player Jason likes.  Eleanor is worried about Michael for real.  She tries to cover that up.  Another little moment here, again.

 

This is a packed twenty-two minutes.  So, they’re walking around looking at the hall and checking stuff out.  We see that…oh, all those characters also have kinda steampunky talkers.  Then a Bad Janet and some party people…planners with black ties…or black shirts and black pants and red ties.  They say, there’s gonna be a party here?  Oh boy, what are we gonna do?  Cut to commercial.  We go to the bank.  Michael goes into Shawn’s office, Axes up…Transformers…smell how the Transformer movies make you feel.  Michael says okay, let’s do everything by the book.  I just need some pins for my staff.  Shawn says, we’re not…we’re doing this undercover.

 

Can’t let anybody know about this mess-up, so we have an alternative plan on the downlow, and we’re gonna get the humans back from the Medium Place without permission.  Go to the party…the four of them are at a table.  They say, we gotta split up so we look unnatural, you know.  This is too conspicuous.  Chidi let Jason do the talking.  Tahani and I’ll do stuff.  Then they almost get some appetizers; it’s food from places that aren’t…they aren’t originally from.  Somebody recognizes Chidi as Trent.  Then he likes Jason.  Jason immediately…him kick it off or whatever.  He’s…they…says oh, we worked together eight hundred years ago in decap.  Toxic Masculinity is my new department I’m running.  He says yeah, and then he says come over here.  Meet my friends.

 

This is my old co-worker and he’s…we got this case we’re working on.  Maybe you could help out with an idea.  The guy’s like a regular…I’ve run through everything.  What are you…what would we do?  Chidi acts all nervous but the guy goes, you’re so strange, Trent.  I love it, man.  You haven’t changed one bit.  We go back to Tahani and Eleanor just having party conversations.  She’s really good at it.  She goes yeah, if you’ve partied enough with the elite, you get good at lying.  Good Janet shows up.  I think Tahani’s drinking a PBR.  Yeah.  How long is this party gonna last?  Oh, boy…and Shawn and Michael go into the conference room.  Everybody’s there.  They’re kinda…and they say okay, we’re gonna pull them out of the Medium Place.  We’re gonna watch it live.  This is exciting.  We’re not allowed to do that, Shawn.

 

Oh yeah, we don’t care about that.  We needed to cover this up.  You messed…you and Vicky messed everything up, so we’re gonna do this.  Then we can go ahead down to the party at the museum.  So, very exciting.  They say okay, everything’s in place.  Let’s do it.  Then we go back to the party.  I think there’s probably a ad.  Chidi’s like, all these dudes want me to give them advice.  What should I do?  Eleanor, you’re wearing glasses now.  She goes, just lie.  If Rhonda can do it, you can do it.  She’s dropping names.  Lies have consequences.  This is a Kantian situation.  She says okay, sit down, rub your lucky bookmark, and hear me out.  What if lying’s ethical in this situation, like Jonathan Dancy says?  There aren’t all-or-nothings.  Moral particularism.

 

You say Scoots, that was what your handwriting said, moral particularism?  There’s no fixed rules that work in every situation.  I’d say yeah, my handwriting is particularly hard to read.  She goes well, a moral particularist would say there is no absolute rule.  You have to choose your actions based on the situation, and this is a pretty bonkers situation.  Chidi says I don’t know if I could do that.  She goes, you’re in a cocktail party in literal Hell.  Life throws you curveballs.  Then we have the husband and wife connect with one another briefly.  We see a couple more displays, a person on vacation saying I need a vacation.  Good Janet tries to find out how much longer this party’s gonna be going on.  She sneaks back; she sees the display…is like, oh dear.

 

Then we see…okay, we’re going into Good…we’re going into the Medium Place.  Mindy and Derek are singing that song by Bad Company, I think, or is it by somebody else?  I feel like looking at doves with you tonight.  Michael runs outta there with some sport coats, runs into Lance, the squid…slug-person.  Shawn realizes Michael’s up to no good.  Trent and…is there.  He says okay, peep this; you got a idea?  Give this guy books if he’s a toxic masculine person.  Goes, I got this one woman that didn’t like books.  I gave her so many books to read, she read them.  They said, what kind of books?  Moral philosophy.  They say man, this is…they say, I don’t know, man.  Kinda sounds lame.  Then Chidi takes Jason’s lead and he goes, don’t question Trent, man.  They say oh, okay, Trent.  You’re the man.

 

Then Bad Janet tries to…Good Janet tries to grab everybody.  Then they say alright, it’s time to reveal the new statues.  Newest exhibit here from Neighborhood 12358W.  We see all the humans.  Oh dear, is that what we look like?  They say okay, here we go.  We don’t have them but we’ve cooked up the next best thing.  Vain, glorious, attention-seeker, with enough jealousy to power Elon Musk’s underwater mansion.  I’m Chidi, or maybe I’m not.  I can’t decide anything, or maybe I can.  My stomach hurts.  Eleanor Shellstrop; I’m empty inside.  I mock others.  I’m Jason Mendoza; what?  Jason says, that’s me.  Michael shows up.  You smell loud and confusing.  Let’s go.  They get cornered; that’s when Jason does his move that he’s good at with…oh, I didn’t realize it…with…the pocket square ends up being essential.

 

Then they all run out of the…run down the hall to the portal.  Michael sends them in.  Okay, okay, give me a pin.  Where’s Janet?  Don’t worry.  Go.  Tahani’s in, Chidi’s in, Jason’s in.  Only one pin left.  Shawn and his crew show up, solve the Trolley Problem.  If you’re driving the trolley, there’s a third thing you can do which is go off the rails and take care of other people.  She goes, what does that even mean?  He sends her through the portal.  The others need you.  I’ll deal with these people.  Goodbye.  Eleanor goes out.  Michael gets busted.  Hey boss, what’s up?  The episode ends.  Then we roll right into Episode 11.  Season 2, Episode 11, The Burrito.  Everybody comes through the portal.  Chidi puts on his glasses.  Jason says, I’m going again.  That was awesome.  Chidi says, I’m not feeling so good.

 

We just went through a bunch of dimensions.  Where’s Michael?  Not coming.  Sacrificed himself.  No Michael, no Janet.  Not even a toodle-doo.  The portal closes.  We’re on our own.  They say, where’s the judge?  They’re in a big hall.  Looks kinda like a elevator…bank of elevators, though.  There’s a burrito on the desk.  Is that the judge?  Do we eat the burrito?  Is this our test?  Jason will eat it.  Oh, he’s the one that’s like, what if the burrito’s the judge?  They say, I don’t know.  Eleanor says, maybe.  We’ve seen weirder things.  Let’s not take any chances.  They zoom on it.  Hello, Your Excellency.  We seek thine judgement.  The judge pulls up.  It’s my Rudolph, our…and then it goes green.  What’s up, guys?  Chapter 25.  Didn’t think I had a case.  She’s putting some Tapatio on there, on her burrito.

 

She said, did you sneak in here without an appointment?  Oh, I bet you…you people are naughty.  Yeah, we got about…out of the Good Place.  Portal’s sealed, she says.  You can relax.  Get comfortable.  She puts their regular clothes back on them, or their natural clothes, reads their files.  She says, I just learn about humans when I need to.  I don’t know everything.  She’s…talks just like in Season 4 about what she’s watching on TV.  Petition denied.  Adios.  She says yeah, you guys are cute but you didn’t file the paperwork, you have no advanced notice, so, sorry.  Gotta send you back.  Tahani says, no.  We’ve been through a lot.  She goes okay, well…she goes, we made progress and we deserve an audience.  She says, just take a sad song and make it better, like my godfather said.

 

Don’t make it bad; take a sad group and make us better.  Oh…aluminium…aluminum…she goes well, you got a lot of guts showing up here unannounced.  I haven’t a case in thirty years.  I’m super bored.  I was gonna start another show, but maybe I’ll hear your case.  Okay.  She says, let’s do it.  Then we go back to Shawn and Michael and Bad Janet.  He’s calling him a traitor.  They’re making fun of him; how could you do this?  We were loyal to you.  This is how you repay us?  He says, I don’t want to care about this.  You’re basic.  You’re not my friends.  Michael says that.  Human insult…devastating insult.  The humans are in front of the judges.  Good Janet got away.  Bad Janet says no, she didn’t.  So, too bad, so sad.

 

Then the judge says okay, I’m…I’ve designed a test for each of you, and that’s when we’ll see who makes it.  They say, we’re more of a group thing, ‘cause…could you test us together?  There’s a lot of jokes but they say no, no, we worked together to get here.  She goes okay, well, if you all pass, you’re in.  If any one of you fail, you all fail.  She goes, but whatever.  So, Jason goes into a room with Madden 18 on there.  He has to…he played the Titans against the Jaguars and beat them.  So, he plays…starts playing as the Titans.  Then Tahani, she says my name’s super boring but it’s Gen, short for hydrogen, ‘cause it’s the only thing in existence when I was created.  Anywho, you have to walk down this hallway, go through the red door at the end, but in every room you pass, people are gonna be talking about you.

 

So, she starts going down the hall.  It’s a long hall.  So, it’s kind of a hall like you’d see in a luxury hotel.  Like, it has a blue and white carpet with a nice pattern to it.  I guess it’s got gold, the kinda color…I don’t know, something that’s richer than eggshell.  It has paints that are beyond my vocabulary.  You say well, that’s not…that paint is so expensive it’s not even in Scoots’ vocabulary.  I wonder if they recorded this at the same hotel I stayed at.  It doesn’t look familiar, but I don’t always pay attention when I’m walking in the hotel…walking to my hotel room.  So, there’s a red room at the end of the door like the judge had said.  I don’t know if I said this; everybody’s gonna be saying what they really, truly think about you.  Tahani starts walking.

 

She sees the names on the doors; Childhood Friends, Simon, Quinton, Rebecca, and Catharine…oh, I see.  I missed…I think Butlers and Nannies, maybe, is the next one.  Then Spa Care…Spa Workers, Blue Ivy, Carter, and Northwest, Spa Workers and Bikini People.  Then we go back to Shawn, Michael, and Bad Janet.  Shawn’s still giving it to Michael.  Michael says that’s actually your fault.  You see…he goes, eight hundred times, Shawn says, this is all…was all false.  Michael says, a lot of those details I just took from novels I read from Stephen King and episodes of Pretty Little Liars for the fake reports.  He goes, I thought humans could make each other miserable.  Instead, they helped each other get better.  They were bad people.  This isn’t supposed to happen.  The only mistake is that somehow a mistake was made.

 

These people belong in the Good Place.  It’s not fair.  Shawn says, fair is almost as bad as staycation.  You’re wrong or right; humans stink.  Michael says, they’re good people.  They deserve the Good Place.  Judge is gonna feel that way.  Shawn says, the…yeah, no chance.  Plus, they’ll mess it up.  They always do.  Then Bad Janet says let’s get rid of this Michael.  Shawn says yeah, let’s go.  They’re in Room 211, by the way.  Then Chidi and Eleanor…the judge says you two are up.  You’re gonna go at the same time.  They go to walk through doors.  They look at one another.  Chidi smiles.  Eleanor takes a breath and smiles.  They walk through a door; they come through another door.  The judge giggles.  Pretty trippy, right?  No test.  You guys are in.  We’re in, what does that mean?  They kinda go back and forth.

 

Oh, you’re going to the Good Place.  Congrats.  She gives them these pucks.  She says they’re medallions.  Go ahead; go through the portal.  They’re so happy.  Holy cow, we made it.  Chidi even goes, woo!  Who said philosophy was stupid?  He says, you did many times.  But he goes, you worked hard.  You deserve it.  Yeah.  Judge says, you really do.  Here’s the thing, though; only the two of you can go.  Tahani and Jason didn’t make it.  They’re actually going to the Bad Place anyway.  They’re just taking tests to determine where.  So, maybe reconsider the us together thing.  You’re all going down.  I’m hungry.  Better eat my burrito.  Totally forgot about it.  They go to commercial and Chidi and Eleanor are talking it out.  This is the test.  Maybe Jason and Tahani got the same offer.

 

Whoever takes it loses and the other two go to the Good Place.  Judge says nah, that’s not true.  They have their own tests.  She shows them taking their tests.  Tahani’s going down the walkway, tempted by different rooms.  Jason’s playing video games.  Eleanor says okay, well.  She goes by the way, you got hot sauce on your chin.  She says it’s not hot sauce; it’s envy, the concept of…or concentrated envy or something.  Gives food a little kick.  Then she goes and turns back to Chidi.  Oh, what do we do?  Chidi makes a face.  Is that the moral quandary grimace?  Different from the gas pain grimace and your…from whence it came grimace.  Spit it out.  He goes, this isn’t a test.  This is a choice.  It’s way worse.  Eleanor stares at him.  He goes, we just gotta make a choice.

 

She goes, why can’t one part of this thing of the…calculating our eternal fate be easy?  They say, I don’t know.  Then we go back to Tahani.  Prince William, Prince Harry, and Harry, maybe that said?  I don’t know.  Oh wait, I missed it.  The Fergie and Fergie…but Fergies aplentys in the Good Place, and her parents.  She’s close to the end but she opens…she sighs, opens the door, and they say…I don’t know what…they’re already discussing her, but more as a disappointment compared to her sister.  She rolls up on them.  Oh, hello.  Surprised to see you here.  We were just talking about you.  I mean, your sister more.  They have a…they say sit down, let’s talk about your sister and you.  Jason’s meditating.  Judge is checking him.

 

Trying to stay calm is really hard…Zach, my favorite quarterback, and play against my own…favorite team.  I can do it, unless this is the test.  Oh, you already knew it.  Trying to trick me.  This is the test.  She goes yeah, I told you it was the test.  Then I really like this moment with Tahani and her parents because they’re kind of picking at her.  She goes you know, I risked quite a lot to come in here, and…so, if you could listen to me for thirty seconds…and they say well, we got a lot to talk about about your sister.  She dedicated her album to you.  Well, technically her fans.  That’s you.  She rubs her face.  She goes, the whole point is you’re supposed to be talking about me behind my back.  You’re not even talking about me; you’re talking about her.

 

She realizes that’s the point and that she…but she has closure still, which I find amazing.  I love it.  She goes, I was never gonna be enough to earn your respect.  I’ve done things you wouldn’t even approve of; eating a Cheeto, shagged a Floridian, dressed as service…dressed as a service industry worker.  They gasp and she goes yep, Cheetos are as loud as…they’re really loud.  They make you happy.  Mom says don’t Hulk out, dear.  She stands.  She says, okay.  She goes, I’m sorry we didn’t have a better relationship.  I wish you both the best.  She walks off.  Ooh, what a moment.  What a dignified moment, really.  Then she turns to the door and with purpose, walks off.  Shawn says hey, Michael will see you.  Michael says go ahead and retire me, man.  He says, we’re not retiring you.  That’s a joke.  Then everyone would know.

 

No, no, no, we’re not doing that.  I don’t need any scrutiny right now.  We’re gonna put you in this room for the rest of eternity.  He goes, you love humans?  So, we’re just gonna leave you here with a stack of New Yorkers that keeps going, you know?  You’ll never get through them.  Nothing to do but read the New Yorkers.  I think I talked about that on a podcast episode five or six years ago.  I know that feeling; they just keep coming.  Everybody does that subscribes to the New Yorker.  Then you read one article; you’re like well, I can’t stop now.  But then Janet says alright, well, let’s say goodbye with one last gas.  She reveals herself as Good Janet, takes out Shawn.  Hooray.  How did you do that?  Well, I knew…don’t worry; I knew what I was doing.  It was a trick.

 

I wanted to…I knew if we were gonna save the day, I’d have to learn how to be bad quick, and I did.  So, now I’m ready to be nice again after we deal with Shawn.  Let’s go.  Michael smiles.  Eleanor keeps walking through the endless doorway.  Says it helps me think.  Then she says okay, we’ve been through Kantian, conceptualist, Superman, Rihanna.  Am I missing anything?  She goes, give me your most boringest, obscure, wizardy stuff.  Chidi says if our friends are going to the Bad Place anyway, us choosing to do something won’t lessen their suffering.  So, morally we’re allowed to go.  Then he says, let’s forget about ethics for a second.  She does this slow look up.  He goes, don’t we deserve to be together and happy for once?  She gets a smile.  She says judge, come on.  I’m Eleanor Shellstrop.  This ain’t Chidi.

 

We’re not going anywhere.  I mean, I knew it, but I wanted to quadruple-check it.  The judge’s mind is blown.  I was really thinking about this today; Eleanor’s journey, even into Season 2, really…metaphorically, but now having so much exposure to it, I’m like, I’m not that great a person.  I don’t say that in a self-deprecating or poor-me way.  I’ve made a…I’ve been very selfish most of my life, and I say wait a second, this metaphor actually has a lot of meaning for me, or Eleanor’s journey.  I say wait a second, it can give me hope.  I realize this is fiction and a comedy and a sitcom.  I say wow, people can change, at least on TV, and that’s where I got all my lessons that made me so selfish for, I think.  Or maybe it’s just…oh, then we go to Chidi.  Sorry, I’ll get back to Chidi’s test.  He’s going back and forth between two hats.

 

That was his real test; brown hat or gray hat?  No.  He’s been doing it for an hour and twenty-two minutes.  He chooses the brown hat, puts it on his head.  Doors open.  He smiles.  He goes out.  Everybody sits down in front of the judge, smiling expectantly.  You’re all going to the Bad Place.  No one’s super surprised.  We cut to commercial.  Chidi wants a exclamation.  Explanation; explanation.  It took you eighty-two minutes to choose a hat.  Come on.  Did I choose the right one?  Chidi, come on.  Tahani, you skipped a lot of rooms that I thought would entice you, but you had to open the door with your parents.  She kinda did have to, so…and she says sorry.  Can I go back in and see what Winston Churchill and Freddy Mercury are doing?  No.  Jason, your test was about impulse control.

 

You showed improvement, but you should have just asked not to play.  You told me off.  I guess maybe that scene was cut.  He kind of told the judge off, but not in any major way.  She says well, why would you tell the judge off?  He goes well, I…he goes, I…but I beat the greatest quarterback of all time in the last second and set up a game-winning field goal.  Then she goes to Eleanor.  Eleanor interrupts her and says yeah, I failed.  Still selfish, so I went for…I chose the shrimp over being kind.  The judge nods and says okay, let’s go.  Shall we?  The portals open back up.  Two different style of portals; one, a swishing vortex portal and another one, more of like a paramecium amoeba-style one.  Then she has a video of them of highlights together.

 

Chidi’s got a stomach ache, but…and she goes…Eleanor says you know what?  I love you.  I’m gonna miss you.  I mean, she…I don’t know if she says I love you, but I’ll be thinking of you in this next life.  The judge says this is hilarious.  Jason says, I want to go through the portal to get a good night’s sleep.  We’ll come back, we’ll try again.  Eleanor says that’s what I love about you.  She doesn’t quite get to Tahani when the noise comes, and it’s Michael and Good Janet coming through the portal.  They come through.  The amoeba portal becomes a vortex portal.  They say hey…Janet says hey guys, how are you?  That episode comes to a close.  So now you can be like Jason and get in bed and get a good night’s sleep, and we’ll be back soon.  Goodnight.

 

[END OF RECORDING]

(www.leahtranscribes.com)

Notable Language:

• Kitolympics
• Driftwood Probate
• Peep This, Dawg

Notable Culture:

• Calgon
• Baz Luhrmann
• “Feel Like Makin’ Love” – Bad Company

Notable Talking Points:

• Calgon take me away
• Tahani loves being Rhonda Mumps
• Paints that are beyond my vocabulary