1015 – Drain Cleaner’s Conundrum | Tales of Lady Witchbeard 10
Rest easy as we dig deep into the clean myths and drain your worries away.
Episode 1015 – Drain Cleaner's Conundrum | Tales of Lady Witchbeard 10
[START OF RECORDING]
SCOOTER: Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and my patron peeps…what up, my patron peeps? There’s a new song for you. Scooba-doo-ba-bow, patron peeps.
INTRO: [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing? Trouble getting to sleep? Trouble staying asleep? Well, welcome. This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep. We do it with a bedtime story. Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play. I’m gonna do the rest. What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake. It could be thoughts on your mind. Obviously, that’s…makes sense; thoughts from the past, the present, the future. It could be feelings, anything emotionally you’re experiencing or coming up for you or that’s already there, physical sensations, changes in time or temperature or routine. It could be your work schedule.
You could work the second or third shift or the fourth, fifth, and sixth shifts that I love so much. They say Scoots, that doesn’t make any sense. The clock barons have tried to explain it to me. They called me up and I said, do workplaces still have that? I remember…what workplace…okay, when I worked at a grocery store, we had a clock where you punched in. Then I had one where you punched in a number, then I had one where you swiped a card. All those companies called me, and their representatives; they said there’s no such thing as a fourth or…they said technically some comp…some types…and I said yeah, my brother’s…works in a department and he works on a different shift. They said yeah, but you can’t even get to six shifts. They changed those into names or letters.
I said, are you talking to me about irrelevance? Because…I said…they said, we still got…I said, what are you…are you also a…what are those people called that…? They go and they…can’t even think of the word. They work on K Street and they…lobbyist. Are you also a lobbyist for the steam whistle barons? ‘Cause we still have a noon whistle once a month. Oh, I’m supposed to start a sleep podcast? Sorry about that. Talk about…so…oh, whatever’s keeping you awake. A lot of times, it’s something I don’t mention. Whatever’s going on with you, I’d like to take your mind off of that and keep you company while you fall asleep, and here’s the reason why; you deserve a good night’s sleep.
The reason I make the show is because that is true and if you get the rest you need or if your night’s just a little bit less rough around the edges because I was there to keep you company, that’s important to me. You know, I just want…I don’t know, I want to put you in a place where you don’t have to dread bedtime, and maybe it’s this podcast or another podcast you discover through this show where you get a bedtime routine and most of the time you can get the sleep you need and you deserve. The other reason I make it is because I’ve been there; tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep. I’ve had it all. So, that’s when I make the show. So, whatever’s keeping you awake, I’m gonna try to create a safe place where you could set that aside.
I’m gonna try to send my voice across the deep, dark night. I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, which are an acquired taste. But here’s the thing; it’s kind of like an acquired taste…imagine this; imagine…put your social moors aside or morays or whatever that word is, your…you know, those things aside, because when we talk about acquired taste, a lot of times I think about hard candy. That’s one of the great analogies I use to try to describe the podcast that doesn’t ever make any sense. But it kinda just barely makes sense. So, when I say this podcast is an acquired taste and also that it’s kind of a podcast you don’t really listen to, it means…what if someone…let’s just say we lived in a world…I mean, we do live in a world with various hard candies or candies you would suck on.
They do come in a variety of flavors, and sometimes there’s ones that might say oh, this is like a…it’s half bitter melon and half…I don’t know, something else. You say, it’s this person that’s giving it to you’s favorite flavor. You’ve never had it before. They say, it’s an acquired taste. Now, they might mean you’re supposed to suck on it for fifteen minutes but what if there was a world where it was…this was 100% bio-decomposible or whatever; this thing saturated the soil or if it hit non-soil, it wasn’t sticky. So, you could just let it…you could just let…you say okay, I’m gonna suck on it for five seconds, then I’m just gonna let it drop out of my mouth. Then I’ll have another one later. I’ll bump it up to seven minutes.
That’s probably not a good analogy for this podcast now that I’ve spoken it, but it kind of almost is like…you say that, Scoots, that’s not even an analogy. You’ve got the first part down, the first part of the spelling of analogy, if you even…maybe your spelling’s not even right. Maybe we could put A-S-I-N-E or something in there. I’d say, like an asinine analogy? An…yeah. Okay, I’ll take that. Oh, so, the creaky, dulcet tones are a acquired taste. So, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents; I’ve already done a few of those. All that means is I’m gonna get mixed up, I’m gonna go off-topic, I’m never gonna get anywhere, then I’m gonna go back, then I’m gonna try to describe it and get mixed up again, all to take your mind off of stuff and keep you company.
But there’s a few things you want to know if you’re a regular listener, or if you’re a regular listener, you already know that I’m mixed up. If you’re a new listener, this is a podcast you don’t really listen to. That’s why regular listeners are laughing; they say Scoots, I didn’t notice that ‘til the third time. I’d say, my faux pas? That was…how about that use of faux pas? I mean, I almost…we almost have a made-up word with combining analogy and asinine. Is asinine a bad word? I don’t think it is, so how come it’s not a bad word? Oh, a totally different root word, Scoots. Oh, thanks. Didn’t know that. Did you just make that fact up? I did, but…the only reason I can think of it…I think it’s probably ‘cause it’s just…it’s hard to spell and even when you look at it, you say what word is that? At least I do.
Where, if you look at A double S, or an S-H word or something, you know what that is. You think that’s why? I don’t know. It’s perplexing. Yeah, maybe we should just stick with that answer; different root word for sure. Different…oh, one comes from the Romantic languages and one comes from the plasmic languages. Okay, so let’s get…try to get back. Oh, it’s a podcast you don’t really listen to. I think you can understand why. You kinda just listen to it loosely, a bit like if you were sucking on a candy without any expectations, or you say well, okay, let me just see how this goes. I don’t think that’s the best time to do it. You’d say, don’t give me…I’m not gonna do that with candy. I’m just doing it for…I’m not asking you to actually do that because you might say, this…but this is gross.
If I’m gonna have candy, I want it…and you say well, you know, just for seven minutes. So, hm. So, I don’t know. Oh, just barely listen to me. This is also a podcast that doesn’t really put you to sleep. It just keeps you company while you drift off, which is different, too. I’m not here to…I’m just here to be your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-cuz, your bore-sib, your bore-bestie, your friend here in the deep, dark night to keep you company whether you’re awake or asleep. So, if you can’t sleep, I’ll be here to the very end ‘cause you’re important. But it’s also important for me to keep you company even if you’re not listening, if you’re asleep. So, that’s a couple of reasons why it also takes some getting used to.
Most regular listeners say it takes two or three tries at least to get used to the show to the point where you say oh, now I get it. Every episode’s like this in a different way. ‘Cause a lot of times you could be waiting for me to get started, and I say whoa boy, we’re already going here. Regular listeners are like, this is what Scoots is like, yeah. We wanted to say this is peak Scoots, but it’s more like this is what we come back for episode after episode. I don’t think I’ve…[00:10:00] I mean, I don’t want to claim this because I’m wrong, but I don’t think I’ve used asinine very often in a…in the podcast, or faux pas. I mean, faux pas is like…could be my middle name. You say Scoots, if you were an animal, a quadruped animal, what would the things you’re…on you…that you walk on be called? I’d say, my faux pas.
So, there’s a free joke-like thing for…you say, it’s not quite a joke. He doesn’t tell jokes. It’s more like…it’s not humor. Okay, so a podcast you don’t listen to, it doesn’t really put you to sleep, it’s very different, takes some getting used to. The structure also throws a lot of new listeners off, particularly people that listen to a lot of podcasts, but even if you don’t…’cause the structure is designed in a much different way, because this is to put you to sleep and keep you company. We also have other goals. So, it starts off with a greeting; friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, so you feel welcome and seen. Then there’s listener support for resources you might need and just to acknowledge that, and acknowledge the members of our community are important.
Then there’s support for the show so it can come out twice a week for free, ‘cause one thing that might blow people’s mind is the amount of hours it takes to make one of these episodes is probably…it just could be mind-blowing. So, that’s the business, then the intro…then there’s the intro which we’re almost done with, but the intro is really a show within a show. Some people skip it; 2% to 3% of people skip it. A few percentage of people fall asleep during it, but for most listeners, the intro is a part of the wind-down of the show and it helps people get ready for bed or get in bed and get comfortable, or it’s just a part of their wind-down routine; they’re doing something else and they’re listening to the show, they’re getting ready for bed, they’re petting their pets, they’re feeding their fish.
Maybe they’re raking…they have one of those rock gardens, the mini ones, and they’re raking the sand. I mean, that’s a nice way to go to bed; you’re doodling, you’re cross-stitching, you’re knitting. Maybe you’re…I always talk about it; tying knots or something, working with ribbons. Maybe you’re doing…don’t…probably not ribbon dancing’s good for bedtime, but maybe some ribbon twirling. But whatever it is, the intro is…it eases you into bedtime, gives you some distance from the day, ‘cause some people think it’s all one thing or one piece of housekeeping. I say no, the intro’s a pretty important part of the show. You just don’t realize that until you’re not listening to it, which yeah, it’s contradictory. A listener never understands the importance of the intro until they don’t hear it, and then they say oh boy, now I get it. I didn’t realize how asinine Scoots was, so far that it makes sense.
So, that’s the intro, then there’s business between the intro and a…the show, again, so the podcast can be free twice a week and paying for it could be optional. Then there’s the story. Tonight, it’ll be our episodically modular series Lady Witchbeard. Then there’s thank-yous at the end. So, that’s the structure of the show, that’s why I make the show. The only reason I say give it a few tries is just that’s what everybody that listens to the show says. Listen, I know it’s tough. I know it’s tough out there, and that’s why I make the show. You deserve a good night’s sleep. I wish this podcast worked for everybody, but it just doesn’t. I have a website set up; sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou with other sleep stuff. But I’m really glad you’re here. I really help…I really hope I can help you fall asleep. I really appreciate you coming by, and here’s a couple of ways I’m able to do it for you free twice a week.
Alright everybody, it’s time for our episodically modular series, Tales of Lady Witchbeard. Now, if you’re new to the show or to Lady Witchbeard, don’t worry; this could be your first episode. We designed it in an episodically modular way so you could listen to them in any order. I’m gonna catch you up on everything you need to know. This could be your first episode. You could catch up on the other ones. You say oh, those are like the prequels to this…the first episode I listened to. So, let’s give you the info then so you can sleep easy. Maybe you’re already asleep. You’re looking great, by the way. There’s nothing that calms me more, really, than the steady motion of a breath, whether it’s…wherever I’m seeing it or I’m imagining it right now.
That steady breath, just like the few times I’ve seen Lady Witchbeard sleeping. She’s a witch, she’s a pirate, she’s a heroine. She was once living in a witch world, a world like ours but witch-based, a witch-based realm, but she said this isn’t really for me. Just a witch-based life is not for me. She discovered a sea-based realm, the world of the thirteen seas, and there she became a pirate and a witch, both skills…I don’t have the vocabulary, but they’re not interdependent. Complementary skills, actually; piracy and witchcraft. Also, she was one of the few…or the only witch-based pirate, or pirate-based…pirate and witch. So, she had many adventures on the thirteen seas.
I met her, we had some adventures, and we just happened to be in the adventure now where it seems like from what we can tell, that a human I think from our…no, she was working in the pirate realm. Similar to the song, though; a woman named Brandy. Seems like she’s a pirate at this point, though not an official pirate ‘cause there’s no more Pirate’s Guild to confirm that you’re a pirate. But Brandy is working with some witch conqueror who conquers realms or con…tried to conquer the witch-based realm and is trying to conquer it again. They’re trying to gelatinize the thirteen seas, like turn them from water to a gelatin I think for a bunch of reasons. You’d say, why would anyone do that? I say, exactly. The sea’s just fine as it is, especially in the thirteen seas, ‘cause they don’t got us to deal with.
But I think it’s both for economic gain, power, control, and maybe a little bit of getting back at somebody underneath it. Now, obviously Lady Witchbeard’s a pirate. She doesn’t want the seas…she’s with Don Dankle, another pirate, and myself, Daw. So, we figured out that that was a plan and that it was somehow related to this person called Wiltz, or hopefully I’ll just call him Wiltz. Well, I guess it’s easier to say Wiltz now. But Wiltz was also known as the man who loved the sea more than Brandy, in a song that somehow made it all the way to our world. Who would have thought the multiverse or the transverse plane, as I call it…actually, they are different things.
The more…who would have thought multiverse would get co…continually co-opted by corporations and then redefined to say okay, well, that’s not what I’m talking about? Now, back when it was a spider-verse, that was a multiverse I could get behind. Any verse with Miles Morales and those other cool other versions. Even Loki’s multiverse…I don’t know if those are multiverses, though. The transverse plane is more like that; endless…whatever. But not like the end of Loki. Okay, I got mixed up there. Is any of that important? Just…it was just interesting to me that I think those…there really are permeable layers between the universes.
Or maybe people do travel, because the song, Brandy, what a good life you could be…something in the love of the sea, that song was not…I guess it was in a movie that happens in another universe, too. So, that doesn’t make sense. So, oh, okay, so…oh, so, the man who loved the sea…we were looking for the man who loved the sea. We found him in the Thirteenth Sea which is a lower sea, which we don’t have here on Earth, but it’s where the…what are those called? Intercontinental plates or planes? Continental plates I think they’re called, or something. If you use that model, this plate happens to be much lower than all the other plates around it, so it’s kind of like a sunken plate with water flowing into it, supposedly inaccessible because it’s so far down.
Not like anything we have in our world that you…you could get in but you wouldn’t be able to enjoy it because when you got down there, you would probably be…travel to another post…you know, post…whatever they call this, realm. Big farm in the sky or whatever. [00:20:00] But we got down there. Beautiful, by the way. If you can ever…if you ever get a chance to go there maybe in some sort of virtual reality, any sunken realms; gigantic waterfalls, mountains, mist. I guess I picture…where we were was lush because it was…that was the parts that were getting the most light, but I’m sure there’s parts that are less lush because the sunlight’s different. But of course, we were…for story’s sake, we were on a lush place just ‘cause it’s more…that’s what I thought of.
So, I don’t have time to explain the biology of it, the geology. Oh, also, it’s closer to the center of Earth; makes it more warm, maybe. So, there we found the man who loves the sea. The man who loves the sea first was resistant to going back with us because the man who loves the sea was a bit stubborn. Then we kinda had a little interaction. Lady Witchbeard and Don Dankle admitted they were taking the man who loves the sea whether he was going or not. But eventually we got the man who loves the sea to agree, save this…if you can’t just…there’s…we gotta save all the seas. There’s thirteen seas to be saved, and we need your help. So, he agreed, Wiltz, and then I think he said well, I can’t…a couple of complications at the end of the last episode. Can’t…by the way, I can’t leave, and also it’s impossible to leave.
Like all good sleep podcast stories, we said as a team trying to figure out problem solving; better do it on…better not do this without a good night’s rest. So, our characters rested and now they wake for another tale of Lady Witchbeard, first introduced by our Hollywood announcer, Mr. Antonio Banderas. Ah, the ladies, the gentlemen, the boys, the girls, the friends beyond the binary, it’s time to take a trip to the thirteen seas and beyond with another tale of Lady Witchbeard. Yeah. Splash, splish, magic. Tales of Lady Witchbeard. Thank you. That was magic. Every time you speak, it’s magic. Every time your body creaks, though; not magic. I don’t know, I think when you…can you not…can we try also not when you…other than when you’re recording, not smiling?
‘Cause I thought…I think that was another one of the sounds I’ve been hearing when I’ve been recording. Like, do you…I’m just imagining this, but I think it’s true; you’re lying on my bed with the Antonio Banderas shoes off, but also I have the extra comforter so I don’t…that I have my privacy. But I can sense that you’re trying to silently check your notifications and occasionally you smile. Probably you get some text from your family or loved one, or somebody witty says something and you smile. I hear the sound; it sounds a bit like I would imagine a wind chime in the home of an angel sounds like, when the angel…when the angel’s loved ones visit and their wings accidentally hit the wind chime.
Like, that kind of sound. It’s kind of like…here, we could…we would…it doesn’t really capture what it really sounds like; twinkling or tinkling. I’m pretty sure your teeth make some sort of sound like that, or also your spirit…your joyful spirit, which, no offense, makes a noise. I’m just being…it’s not…I’m trying not to be judgemental about it. So, could you try to just — for the next hour and ten minutes — turn the joy down and maybe not…I’m not saying never smile again, but if possible, don’t smile physically or on the inside either, ‘cause I’m pretty sure it’ll still make the sound.
You’re one of the few people…you’re one of the only people I know that I have a confirmation based in conjecture that you make a spiritual noise, your soul makes a noise. I’ve always been thinking it was your fault, but it’s really your soul. Your soul has…you have a noisy soul, Antonio. Ah, Scooter. I’ve never been prouder and I’ve never been prouder to know my joy sparks the noise that angel…a wind chime and angels’ wings would connect with love. I’ll try not to do that, though. Tales of Lady Witchbeard. That’s Mr. Antonio Banderas. This is Tales of Lady Witchbeard.
Alright, Lady Witchbeard, Daw, Don Dankle, yeah, I guess it’s time for me to tell you of all the myths that…and about the drain and so you have a clear understanding of why we can’t leave or why I can’t leave, but also why none of you can leave physic…now, I can’t leave willingly and none of us can get outta here. I haven’t told this tale…I’m familiar; this is a tale I live in now, a myth. I’m living within a myth, but it explains a lot; how this Thirteenth Sea came to be, and the drain, and a lot of others. But I do forget some details, but it is a myth, so…and we can always…I can always…we can always read more about it later. But it starts with the goddess.
There was multiple gods and goddesses and powerful beings, and there was this one goddess who loved the sea and everything in the sea so much, and I can very much relate to that. She always doted on the sea. I don’t know, I…there’s different…what you would call that goddess is different for everyone, but for the time being I’ll call her Sea Breeze just for her sake, because I know where everybody’s from, you might have a different version of this goddess. Then there was also a god of what we would…what…now, Daw, I’m familiar. I do a lot of reading, so, not the same thing for you, Daw, but what we would call a god of Middle Earth. Like, actually the middle of the Earth where there’s molten materials, or you might call it the god of…again, as I’ve been familiar…talking with Daw and Daw talks in Daw’s sleep, the big…the god of the big farm.
The Big Farmer, we’ll call it, for this version of the myth. The big farm really only works…the big farm…people come to the big farm and they eat some grass or they plant some seeds. They bring skills from the time they might have been in the realm of the…of Sea Breeze’s realm, and they have new skills or they…and they bring those to the big farm, and then they move on from the big farm, which is a spoiler for some people. But I don’t know…this myth doesn’t have to do with…where do they go after the big farm? Daw, you can put your hand down. I don’t know. This kinda thing was kept in balance, and at some point though, Sea Breeze thought to herself…she had been spending a lot of time just with…she had fallen so in love with the sea, and oh boy, do I relate to this, too; of…and all the creatures in the sea, she hadn’t been enjoying the fellowship of the other gods.
Some would say she lost her way. She decided that no more…she used all her powers to say no more; no one’s going to the big farm. She didn’t realize that there would have been ramifications for the sea, and the Big Farmer did, though. Also, the Big Farmer stopped having anybody coming in, which had ramifications for the big farm. Because the Big Farmer wasn’t in the sea, it said look at…the sea’s already…it’s having a impact on the sea. Sea Breeze just ignored those things. So, the Big Farmer went to the other gods and said look at this. The gods said, work it out or let Sea Breeze deal with the consequences. It was frustrating. It wasn’t as simple as that, but at some point, the Big Farmer actually went to Middle Earth and said okay, how much power can I summon?
Then the power — of this case, of gravity — started pulling, trying to pull as much as it could towards…it actually increased the gravity in this area. Lady Witchbeard, I know you have thoughts about that, but…[00:30:00] and that’s what caused this…it basically pulled the Earth deep…closer to Middle Earth, and that kinda created this situation to try to attempt to restore the balance, because the waterfalls would…Sea Breeze didn’t expect it, and so, all the waterfalls started flowing over. Obviously that created a new…new people for the big farm. But it was a little bit too much, and the pendulum had swung too far the other way, because the deep chaos and the strength of the Big Farmer…the water started flowing, and then it started flowing even into the inner…Middle Earth.
The physical Middle Earth; not just the metaphorical one, being pulled by this stronger pull, and threatened to extinguish the fires at the center of the Earth, which I think would attribute to some of the…well, anyway, not important. Then there was tons of steam which also…and then Sea Breeze was trying…so then there was more chaos, because then the…instead of working it out, they kinda had a bunch of arguments. They went back and forth and back and forth. Now meanwhile, there was beings just like all of you and myself living on the land and the sea. There were sea-based beings and Earth-based beings, land beings. They didn’t want to passively go…they could see everything. They understood what was happening, or…within the myths. So, they went to the other gods and said what the heck?
You’re gonna…look what this caused. Now these two can’t even work it out. We’re not real…we don’t think that we’ll…we’ll work out a solution; just take their powers away. So, the gods said, okay. So, the gods took their powers away, right? Of the other two gods, and then things calmed down with the overall chaos, but the solving of the water pouring into the center of the Earth and turning to steam did not stop. The hole was still getting filled. Then it was someone with magic and someone with knowledge that came together; a scientist, Layla, and a magic-user I think from a different non-witch realm, but…named Doreen. They came up with this idea of a giant drain, which may seem ridiculous, but…and they called on the gods of…the god of the…steals stuff, and the mother and the crone and the…they said hey, we need help.
We’re gonna save this realm of the thirteen seas, and to do it, we have to create this giant drain we’re gonna put over the hole. They said, why a drain? They said well, the drain will slow down. It’s designed to let some water through, but not all the water through. They said, ‘cause we found that actually, the water…they said, the water…the Earth’s…the geology’s figuring itself out and trying to stay in balance. It just needs a little bit of extra help. So, they put a drain which is here in the Thirteenth Sea. You can’t see it ‘cause it’s underneath the water, and it’s beyond…it’s very complicated, but…because there’s other mechanisms, like they said, that help the geology, and some of the geology figured itself out. I guess the steam becomes condensation, so not all the steam is bad.
Some of the steam just shoots back up. But somehow, that was the solution they needed. Wait a second, I do have a question. I’m Don…Don Dankle’s got a ques…where did you learn all this? Or where…you seem to know a lot and you said there’s even more to know that you read about. Oh, at a great library, Don Dankle. There’s a great library here. That’s where I conducted most of my training, which is the next part of the story, is that…there was only one thing with the drain, is that it’s in a very isolated place, and the gods couldn’t help forever. They don’t want to be involved in the Earth. That was what they had learned through this mistake of the other two gods. So, they said this is gonna be a place that’s not really reachable.
Otherwise you had to fly in on a…the gods were providing a lot of the drain construction help. But once the drain was done, the gods said we’re no longer gonna be a part of this. Well, we’ll give you some tools, some magic and some powers, a library with self-paced courses that has…it’s very what you would call high-tech. But we need a human who will be…their aging will change so they could live a long time. But they’ll be the…they’ll have to stay down here and clean the drain. I’m sorry, what? So, that’s what I do here. That’s what I’ve been down here doing, is I’m the drain cleaner. When I removed myself to the thirteen seas, it wasn’t just to leave. It’s a secret, but I guess no one comes. It was only a secret ‘cause no one would ever know about it. It was a secret to me.
Up in the twelve seas, you never heard about the drain cleaner. No, these myths sound similar to a lot of myths, like all of them, but…Lady Witchbeard? No, I want to hear. Keep going about this drain cleaning. So, someone has to clean the drain and maintain it, otherwise it would get clogged up. Or occasionally it needs repair and maintenance. That does take some powerful magic. That’s the magic you’ve seen me use…help sea creatures that are here, and that kind of thing. Okay, though. This is interesting to me because I left my…but as a witch, I’ve never heard of this, one. Two, if you’re the drain cleaner now, who was the drain cleaner before you? Right; correct. Don Dankle’s wondering is the knowledge…so, the knowledge is at the library. Yeah, I replaced someone.
I just ended up here, but now I say was I guided here, or I did I…? I came here to get…to find out what was…was it fate or was it an accident? There was a woman here who had been cleaning the drain for some time, and she taught me her powers, she taught me how to repair…do the basic repairs. I mean, mostly she taught me how to use the library. So…because she was very distracted. She said, this is it. My time…you’ve come to clean the drain. I said, I guess so. It took some time for me to learn. I guess I was somewhat of her apprentice, but mostly working through the…learning…it’s not that complicated once you have the powers. You get more and more power as you complete more and more…it’s weird; the library’s made by gods, so when you complete a course, you get a new ability.
Also, the drain…I just did a full rehab of it. Your timing is perfect. So, you…here, I’ll use a spell to clear the water. See how…? Look how good…oh wow, it’s shiny. Yeah, I mean, shiny’s not necessary, but I said to myself…I don’t know. It’s scheduled maintenance; full rehab. Okay, but…okay, so you can’t leave because the drain would get clogged. But what happened to the person you replaced? Did they just go to the big farm somehow? Yeah. Yes, they did. They did. Okay, that was a little strange. I’m gonna need more information. Okay, well, there’s something…this is another kinda tangent, and I know…so, there’s something called the drain cleaner’s conundrum. You’re down here alone. Another section of the library is dedicated to this. You’re down here, the whole…all the thirteen seas rely on you.
Now, there are self-paced courses to maintain your self-care. The gods even figured that out, but it is a little bit lonely, and, I don’t know, whatever…by whatever trial and error they did, they found out this is unfortunately a solitary job. But there…like I said, there’s ways to help with that. [00:40:00] But one of the…the drain cleaner’s conundrum is you’re cleaning the drain all the time, and at some point it…a little piece of sand gets up in your brain and it starts moving around up there, of what’s beyond the…where does the drain go? I clean it all the time; where does it go? You say well, it just goes in different places. I say, really? ‘Cause I’ve seen things go down there and…big things, small things, every things…things go down there. Sometimes you just stare at the water. So, we call it the drain cleaner’s conundrum.
One of the ways the gods…the goddesses of arts intervened for that. So, they encourage you to make art about the drain cleaner’s conundrum, because you really…really, the only solution is to go…you want to go down there, but obviously that’s…nothing goes…the drain is one of those things that is a direct link to the big farm in the sky. So, you…there’s physical art, there’s musical art. All of the drain cleaners throughout history; poems and fiction and romance about the drains. Then you consume that art, too. That’s one of the ways you stay socialized, in some sense, is connection through these other artists and other drain cleaners. But it’s a conundrum, so it keeps going, and that’s how your time slow…the drain always calls.
Eventually it calls you to the…I…we don’t…again, that’s what makes it…you say, it calls you to the big farm. So, yeah. I mean, sometimes there’s been times in history where it’s…anyway, I don’t want to get too deep. Does that make sense? Yes, this…Don Dankle, Daw…so, our conundrum beyond the drain cleaner’s one is if we take you with us, there will be no one to monitor the drain. Wouldn’t the gods just send somebody by fate or something? Like, how long would we have? Well, I don’t…Lady Witchbeard, I don’t know, but I’ve sworn to protect this drain and keep it clean, so I…that’s what I mean. I can’t go. I agreed to go, but you know what I mean? I’m laying the groundwork, here. Come on, can you help me out? So, you’re laying the groundwork that one of us needs to replace you. You’ll go with us.
We can’t get out, but you would go with us if someone stayed and cleaned the drain. Okay, this is Don Dankle; this has been a lot of talk, but it’s clear there’s a great library. Library’s my Number One. I love piracy. This is a sea. I love the seas as much as the two of you. Daw, I know you love water. So, it’s pretty clear. This is a easy one, Lady Witchbeard. I, Don Dankle, will stay behind. Now, I will form the Guild of the Drain Cleaners unless there’s a rule against that, and intertwine it with the guild of…the Pirate’s Guild. I won’t just…Lady Witchbeard, in the future when things are re-established, you could send…doesn’t anybody send you notes in a bottle? I guess no one knew you were down here. But Lady Witchbeard, I have confidence you…I’ll help; that you’ll all get out.
But I’ll be down here and we’ll make reconnection with that world above. This will be the Thirteenth Sea with a guild of…new Pirate’s Guild. Don Dankle, that’s very perfect. Makes sense. So, we’ll miss you on our next…so, anyway, that’s good that it’s solved, because we really don’t have time beyond that. But that still doesn’t change the fact of how do we get out…? So, Wiltz, there’s…so, you know of no one…I guess the question I was asking myself internally and I’ll just say it out loud, Don Dankle; Daw, probably don’t answer, but I’ve never heard of this on the surface world. Don Dankle, you’re pretty well-read. No, I’ve never heard of this drain cleaner stuff. So, I would agree, Lady Witchbeard. That means that no one has carried this story back. So, you know what? I gotta take a walk.
Daw and I are gonna go for a walk. Daw, let’s go for a walk. I need to focus and figure out how we’re gonna get outta here. We could brainstorm it, but…okay, Daw. I don’t know how we’re…Daw, there’s something not right about all this. I just wanted to talk to you alone. I don’t know, my gut is off about a few things. One, there’s something with the gravity and my magic that’s not right. I mean, I was able to do some…my magic is limited which I assume has to do with the pow…the gravity sink or whatever, and the powers for the drain. But there’s something else that’s like…some…that Wiltz just ended up here. It seems like this would be something you would either be assigned to do by the gods or forced to do by the gods. So, to me, it…that really doesn’t make any sense at all, because…I don’t know.
So, I’m having a little trouble with that but that’s fine because we still…it doesn’t change what we need to do, other than the fact that I don’t have all…my direct connection to magic. I’m not feeling powerful, so get…how do we get outta here, Daw? If you have any ideas…I don’t know. I guess I’m feeling a little bit of the pressure of the whole…all of the thirteen seas. I guess, Daw, I don’t really talk this way normally, but I’m worried because…and I guess part of it is just me, is like, what if we are down here while everything unfolds up there? The whole fate of all the thirteen seas, the witch realm, is right now out of my control and could unfold without my influence. I feel like I could help. I mean, and also I feel drawn to help and intervene.
But is that part of this, is we’re down here and we really aren’t gonna be able to get out, or do I need to let it go and hope that the Pirate’s Guild is just waiting, or some other powerful guild of witches is waiting to intervene? How do you handle this…? You’re more familiar with this stuff, Daw, so can you help me? Okay, Lady Witchbeard. This is…you’re a heroine, so of course you want to intervene and help. I don’t think there’s really a lot of movies where…unless it’s part of the plot point, where the heroine just says okay, I’m gonna take this, the…whatever they call it, the third act or the big part. I’m gonna take it off, unless they’re kinda setting something else up. But if it was a real superhero like you, or a real pirate queen or witch…pirate-witch…I don’t know, if I lived…if I needed someone to save my sea or my seas or my world, it would be you.
So, I mean, I get…it looks like right now you’re being asked to give up some con…wait a second. Lady Witchbeard, did you see…? So, I saw something. I could have sworn I saw something really big go down…I’ve been watching the falls, trying to see stuff. Not that it’s…it’s not a good idea, by the way. Don’t do it. But I saw…I could have sworn I saw some stuff. Now, it may have been my imagination, but look at that floating…like, some of the big stuff is floating off here to the right. So, can we just go this way? ‘Cause, see that thing? Is that what I think it is? Yeah, that’s a cauldron, Daw. It’s a pretty big cauldron. Yeah, let’s grab it. It’s floating…holy cow, this is some sort of giant retention pond. Yeah, Daw. This is some sort of giant retention pond. There’s a couple other cauldrons in here, a lot of wood, some…okay.
Let’s stay at this area, from the…so, Wiltz, go…let’s grab that cauldron. Look, it made it all the way down the falls. It’s got one or two [00:50:00] dings in it. It’s like, reminds me of Niagara Falls. Did I ever tell you about that? That was one of the things I always thought about, the barrel over the falls. People used to do that I think before there was the internet or TV, though. I think people…even though everybody says people are less responsible now, people would get in these barrels or try to make a metal barrel, a bit like a cauldron, and go…and visit Niagara Falls. Really, Daw? Yeah. It’s too bad. This cauldron would be perfect, I guess in theory. I’m just saying. But we can’t go back over the falls, obviously, in a cauldron, so it won’t work. Lady Witchbeard, what do you think this retention pond is?
Well, Daw, if you could see, there’s a small…it goes into a…it’s a pon…it’s a retention pond, so there’s a small…like, you could see on the other side, there’s gates and a spillway. I just happened to learn about this one time in witch school, and…so, I would assume that the drain cleaner, they open the…they do something for these larger…it’s just for…larger things float into this, the way it’s designed, like, the gates at the end, so that the drain cleaner can use the raw materials here to build stuff, to have supplies. Probably the library teaches them how to do basic things. Then a few times a year, they must open part of the drain to…it de-clogs the drain…pre…pre-de-clogs the drain, Daw.
So…oh, so, this stuff will go down the drain in a…but…go down the drain…like, you open the drain and send this stuff down the drain or something like that? Yeah, Daw. It’s probably got some way of moving it, like the…like a crank or something. There’s probably some other spillways and dams to keep that stuff out. But Daw, I can’t help but think this is…so…oh, Lady Witchbeard, you’re thinking what I’m thinking? You could cast cauldron portal. We could just go in that cauldron and get to the…we can just get outta here. You’re right; this is perfect. So glad I noticed the cauldron. No, Daw; the magic’s not working that way. Also, there’s something…I mean, I guess it’s the magic of the drain, but yeah, I can’t cast portal. I tried it.
Because I tried it in a coconut shell and in a clam, even though the clam…Daw, you should have been there ‘cause the clam actually…I think it either sprayed water or tried to kiss me. But I can’t cast cauldron. But if Wiltz has raw materials, what if we try to go down the drain in a…in the cauldron? In two cauldrons, like a barrel like you talked about? Well, Lady…we’d need…Daw, we need to do…we need to get to work. So, this is what we need to do; okay, grab that cauldron. Oh, here comes Don Dankle and Wiltz. Wiltz must have known or sensed it. Wiltz, do you have another cauldron the same size as this? Lady Witchbeard, I do. You found the raw materials pond. We empty it a few time…I know, I know. It makes total sense. Pre-clog the drain; I like it. But so, we need another cauldron like this.
Do you…I’m assuming you have a way to seal…you have ways…you have some sort of shop, right? We need to seal these two cauldrons eventually together. We’re gonna have to outfit it…Don Dankle, I need you to outfit this so it’s maneuverable. Okay, Lady Witchbeard. So, Wiltz and I…what about…you’re gonna…you, Daw, and Wiltz are gonna go inside of this? Yeah, so make sure to put some bedding in there or some soft stuff. I mean, it’s a…this cauldron’s bigger than the…much bigger than the three of us, the two of them together. We can make it airtight. I will be able to prepare…now, Wiltz, I didn’t want…my magic’s not at full strength. Yes, Lady Witchbeard. It’s twofold; there’s something happening that I’m not sure about, either.
My magic is not at full strength, but also…yeah, the drain magic, it tends to be protective because it is magic beyond human form or mammal form. So, it probably reduces it, but there is something else happening too, Lady Witchbeard, that…I thought it was your magic, though, that was making me feel…no, I don’t think so. But so, I think I can prepare…so, this is what we’re gonna need to do. Lady Witchbeard, are we going down the drain? Yeah, we’re gonna go down the drain. But we’re gonna prepare first. So, I’m gonna prepare you for the preparation, and it’s not gonna be easy. So, here’s what’s gonna happen. Don Dankle and Wiltz, you’re gonna start to design a…Daw, maybe you should walk them through this barrel thing. But this is gonna be a maneuverable barrel.
Wiltz, I need you to help a little bit on that, but I have to ask you, how much do you love the sea? Because I’m gonna need you…here’s what I think, and tell me if I’m wrong, Wiltz; if you really love the sea, you could speak with it and you could speak with everything in the sea, and I’m sure that you communicate in some way. But it doesn’t seem like you ever used the sea to communicate with the surface world or the other twelve seas. Lady Witchbeard, I don’t understand. Well, there’s this game that Daw was telling me about called Telephone. We used to call it Misspoken Spells. We used to do it…it’s a very similar game where…or Mixed-Up Shopping List. That was another thing. So, what we would do at witch school when I was a young lass, we would all line up.
The first person in line, the instructor, she would give us a list of ingredients and we would whisper the list of ingredients to the next person and they would whisper it to the next person, and the next person, and the next person. Then the last person in line would go and gather the ingredients, and then prepare the ingredients. Then the teacher would intervene because…every time. Even if it was spoken soft, slow, the ingredients would be incorrect and incorrect in a way that wouldn’t have ended with…would have ended not well for the person casting the spell or preparing the potion. So, this actually doesn’t give me a ton of confidence, but maybe we could figure out a way around it. But it was to teach the value of double-checking your work, communicating clearly and collaboratively, not insularly.
So, I’m wondering if you could do that with the sea beyond the drain. Like, if you never used it, you never would have thought to talk…well, Lady Witchbeard, most…yeah, I understand what you’re saying. I guess it’s something as a drain cleaner’s conundrum. It’s not…yeah, I understand. It’s just a bit of a…I know the…I’m thinking about what you might hear when someone’s a brine shrimp. I mean, no, no, a brine shrimp going down the drain might not be thinking what you’re thinking it’s thinking. Like, it might not just think like…it might think how am I gonna make the most of this, while a mammal might think I’m going…they might have other thoughts about the big farm. What if a brine shrimp has different thoughts? Did you think you’re…you were limited by that?
All the drain cleaners were? Huh. Lady Witchbeard, this is the kind of outside leadership thinking…no, [01:00:00] I’ve never thought about it that that way. I’ve been, in some sense, just thinking about it from my perspective as a mammal and a human, and my…and all the other drain cleaners were humans or mammals…a few sea-based mammals. So, no. So, what are you asking me? I want you to start communicating with the water and whatever’s in the water, and see if you could keep a constant stream of communication going both ways within the stream that we’re gonna get in, so we know which way to go. I need you to talk…to really love the sea and communicate with the sea so that when we go down the drain, we know where we’re going, because there’s gonna be a way…we’re gonna find a way through.
We have to. But Lady Witchbeard, what if it’s a really small way or a really warm way? Don’t worry, Daw. I’m gonna prepare us all the magic I can here. I have ideas, but…I have a few things; we could become brine shrimp is one thing, but not for very long due to the magic I have at my availability. But this is the thing that I talked to Daw about, and I’ll talk to all of you about, and then…this is gonna be tough though, because…Daw, you’re really gonna have to focus ‘cause you’re gonna be steer…Don Dankle’s gonna have to teach you how to steer this submersible cauldron. Don Dankle, you’re gonna have to…we’ll have to say our goodbyes at some point. Wiltz, you’re gonna really have to focus on talking to the sea and really parsing all that information out.
Then I’m gonna have to focus on doing my best to…so, we’re all gonna be…we’ll all have to work together to get…but I have to hope that…like Daw said, this is…heroine and heroes, they say yes even when everything else says no. This is the only choice I can make. However it turns out, we go down the drain and we come out of the drain, or we go down the drain and we go wherever we’re going. This seems clear to me that this is where I want to put our efforts, and we need each other. I can’t control this outcome without you. We can’t keep the drain clean without leaving Don Dankle behind. I’ll be honest, Wiltz, I don’t want to trust your magic ‘cause I’m not 100% on you, so we gotta…yeah. We’ve gotta do this no matter how it turns out. So, I think it’s time for us to set to work.
Oh, you…I put you all to sleep while I was making my speech. That was my heroic speech, Daw. You’re smiling though, so I think you’re listening. But we’ll…we’re gonna do it. Not only do we need to do it; I want to do it and I want your help, Daw, and I want your help, Wiltz, and I know…well, no; I hope, and hope is enough sometimes. I hope we’ll work together. I feel good about it. So yeah, let’s rest, and then we’ll build the cauldron, and then we’ll go down the drain. Goodnight, Daw. Goodnight, Don Dankle. Goodnight, Wiltz. Goodnight, cauldron.
[END OF RECORDING]
- My Foe Paws
- Scripps National Spelling Bee
- Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse
- Lord of the Rings
Notable Talking Points:
- An acquired taste like hard candy
- The Drain always calls
- The old barrel over the falls tale