1013 – Existential Trolley | The Good Place to Sleep S2 E5&6

Notable Language:

• Foisting Fosse’s Foibles
• Drakkar Noir
• Braided Belt

Notable Culture:

• Edvard Munch – The Scream
• Hungry, Hungry Hippos
• Bend It Like Beckham

Notable Talking Points:

• Avant-garde Belgian floral designs
• Phoenix Style
• Sneaky Public Butt Grab

Episode 1013 – Existential Trolley | The Good Place to Sleep S2 E5&6

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER:    Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and my patron peeps…what up, my patron peeps?  Let’s get on with the show.

 

INTRO:    [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place.  So, I got a safe place here.  I’m smoothing it, I’m patting it, I’m rubbing it down, clearing it out.  This safe place is where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake, whether it’s thoughts you’re thinking about or coming up for you.  It could be about the past, the present, or the future.  Normally, they’re all three simultaneously or they’re like three beings that keep saying and then…oh, and by the way…taking…duly noted from fifth grade.

 

I’d like to talk about four weeks from now.  Then the person would be like, what about the stuff you forgot today?  Well, it could be other thoughts.  Whatever it is.  I’m here to love those thoughts, really.  I mean, in a way to say okay, come on here, come on in, just like a classroom…any classroom with a carpet where you sit on it setting.  That’s where my thoughts really need to be.  I’d say, come on in and sit down.  Did you say we didn’t get a lot done today?  Okay, I got…it’s story time so yeah, oh boy, maybe we’ll work that into our story with all the things…the podcaster that forgot all the things and then mixed them up and also spilled lots of drinks on himself as a young lad, and will make mistakes in the future.  Oh boy, talk…I can’t…you know, I can’t make any promises, but I can promise you that.

 

So, whether it’s thoughts…it could be feelings about the thoughts or feelings that are just there, it could be physical sensations, changes in time, temperature, routine, could be something else.  Whatever it is, even if I don’t know what it is.  You could reach out to me and let me know, but whatever it is, I really hope I can help you, okay?  ‘Cause you deserve a good night’s sleep and what I’m gonna try to do here is send my voice across the deep, dark night.  I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones.  They say, why…how’d you get your creakys so dulcet?  I’d say well, it’s more my tones got…my tones are creaky and dulcet.

 

It’s a part of the deal here where if you hear creaky, dulcet tones, you could…you can kinda barely just listen to me because they’ll be followed or come out at the same time as pointless meanders and superfluous tangents, which means I’ll go off-topic, I’ll get mixed up, I’ll make mistakes, but really I’ll be here for you to keep you company while you drift off, and all those other parts.  So glad you’re here.  You could scooch forward or scooch backwards on that carpet.  Oh yeah, you can stand back there, too.  Sure, you could furrow your brow back there, past events, thoughts, and feelings about tomorrow; you could curl up in that position if you want.  That looks comfortable.

 

I’m gonna talk to this human here though, ‘cause if you’re new, there’s a lot of things you’re probably gonna want to know, and this show is very different.  It’s strange, I mean, admittedly.  Without a doubt it’s strange.  So, you might be skeptical or doubtful, and that’s a normal way to come to the show.  The show is built with one thing in mind, which is that you deserve a good night’s sleep.  You deserve a bedtime you don’t have to dread and that you could feel neutral about, and you deserve the rest you need to live your life tomorrow.  If I can provide that, that would be the greatest honor I could ever have, because that would mean our world would be a better place.  If your world’s better, even incrementally…and this is just the truth; our world is a better place.  That’s important.

 

Your life being better tomorrow is important, or you eventually getting a routine where you could get some more sleep is important, because you’re important and it’s…that’s important to me.  You say Scoots, you don’t even know me.  I say well, we’ve been through some similar things, or we’ve had some similar experiences.  We all know what the deep, dark night is here on the podcast, and I know how that feels.  So, if I can help…mine might be a little bit different than yours, but I know how it feels.  So, if I can help you, it gives meaning to me because I’ve been there.  So, those are the two most important things to know, but there’s a lot of other things you need to know too, ‘cause I’ve been doing the show for so long and I’ve parsed so much feedback.  So, these are the other important things to do…or to know.

 

You don’t have to do anything; sorry.  That was just one of my many foibles.  I wonder if there was ever a musical; Bob Fosse’s Foibles.  I guess, yeah, you just call it Fosse’s Foibles.  What if there was a statue…Fosse Foists Foibles, or Foisting Fosse’s Foibles?  It could be a tongue twister; you’re right, tongue twister brain.  Okay, so…oh, if you’re new though, stuff like that happens all the time.  So, there’s a couple things…a couple techniques you might want to know about.  One, this is a podcast you just kinda barely listen to.  You kinda just sit there and you go uh-huh, okay.  Yep, okay.  Really, Foisting Foibles?  I don’t think you know what foibles mean.  I say, you’re probably right about that.  Uh-huh.  So, it’s a kind of…you look at it like clouds passing by.  So, that’s one thing.  What else do you need to know here?

 

So, let’s see…oh, you don’t need to listen to me.  Also, this podcast doesn’t really put you to sleep.  I’m here to keep you company, to be your companion in the deep, dark night, your bore-friend, your bore-bae, your bore-cuz, your bore-sib, your bore-bestie, your bore-bud so I can keep you company while you fall asleep.  I don’t really put you to sleep.  I’m just here to take your mind off of stuff and keep you barely entertained.  Or, some people keep me at a lower volume and they say, you’re just kinda like background noise.  I say, awesome.  It’s my favorite…if my background noise is serving a purpose, that’s a dream come true.  So, I don’t really put you to sleep, but if you can’t sleep, believe it or not, I’ll be here the whole time, to the very end of the episode.

 

So, I’m here to keep you company whether you’re awake or asleep.  That’s probably one of the reasons the podcast works, because you could listen to it.  It would bare…it barely makes sense, but you could listen to it if you need to, because yeah, I’m here for you.  So, those are a couple things to know if you’re new.  Again, I’ll repeat what I said before; if you’re having a strange reaction to the show, like you’re not sure, you’re not comfortable, you’re a little bit…you say, I don’t know if I like you.  I say, that’s totally normal.  Hundreds and thousands…probably millions of people have felt that way, and alls I can tell you is in the history of the podcast, most people said hey, it took two or three tries to get used to the show because I’m just not used to not listening.

 

I kept waiting for it to kept started, and Scooter said well, it already started and it never gets going.  So, give that a little bit of…give that some time and see how it goes.  Oh, I mean, or just give it a few tries.  That’s what most listeners say.  So, that’s one thing.  The other thing that throws people off is the structure, and the structure…this show is built with a intentional structure.  It is adaptable, so I’ll kinda give you some of the ways people adapt the show to, so there’s no wrong way to use the podcast, but there…listeners adjust in different ways.  But so, the show starts off with a greeting so you feel welcome and seen.  Then there’s support for listeners so you have other options, support for the show so we can be here for free twice a week.  That’s what makes that possible, then there’s the intro.

 

So, there’s a greeting, I guess you’d call it housekeeping or business, then the intro.  The intro runs about ten to twenty minutes long.  Sometimes people who are having strong feelings, they don’t hear me say this, but they think those two things are the same, but really, the intro is a show within a show or its own podcast.  There are a few thousand people that listen to all-intro episodes on Patreon almost exclusively.  But the intro is…give you a chance to wind down and ease you into bedtime in addition to me trying to explain the podcast and not being successful.  It’s your wind-down time, or getting ready for bed time, and a part of your nightly routine, ideally, if you…if…as you start to get used to the podcast.  Now, there’s some listeners that skip ahead.  There’s a small percentage of listeners [00:10:00] that do that.

 

There’s some listeners that listen to story-only episodes on Patreon, and there’s people that are falling asleep, and those are all great ways to do it.  But for most people, or at least as you’re getting used to the show, you say oh, okay, I didn’t like the intros ‘til I realized I didn’t really have to listen to them while I listen to them.  So, I don’t know.  The intros are different every time so that your brain or whatever’s keeping you awake; your feelings, your physical sensations, they can’t get used to it and keep interrupting things, just like they’re doing on that carpet here.  Oh, everybody’s doing such a great job sitting around listening to me ramble.  Great job on that carpet.  So, that’s the structure.  Oh, no, that’s not the structure…then there’s business between the intro and the episode again so it can be free twice a week.

 

Then there’s…tonight we’ll be talking about The Good Place in a way that you say it’s more like a bedtime story.  I mean, The Good Place is kinda like a bedtime story, so we’ll cover two episodes of The Good Place.  If you haven’t seen it or you have, it’ll be nice.  I mean, is there anything nicer than Chidi in a sweater vest or joyous Jason or Tahani in a conundrum or problem-solving Eleanor?  I don’t know if there is, but there’s so many things to enjoy.  So, we’ll talk about The Good Place, and then the show ends with some thank-yous and some goodnights.  I think that’s it.  I mean, give the show a few tries.  I’m really glad you’re here.  I really appreciate your time, I really hope and I yearn and I strive, and I hope I can help you fall asleep, and here’s the ways I’m able to do it for you free twice a week.

 

Alright everybody, it’s time to talk about Season 2, Episode 4, Existential Crises.  It opens with…I got a actual perfect pause on this one.  I’m seeing the back of Michael’s desk.  Or, no, the back of his office chair.  Really nice office chair.  I just happened to pause it at the right time.  Facing away from whoever would be Michael’s guest, we have a dragonfly, we have that flower thing that would…it doesn’t look like it’s a candy bowl, the desk set.  We know who’s there because I already watched the episode a bunch of times.  It’s Vicky.  She’s facing the book that’s open on the stand, and she’s gonna put her feet up on the desk, according to my notes.  Then chair facing her…Michael’s in the chair facing her.  Does he have a book in his lap?  Question mark…plaid shirt, tie with circles, hands in report.

 

Page mix with Pikachu?  That’s not what that says.  One page…my…with Pikachu.  Winston and Gunnar are there.  They have some sort of plan.  Eleanor…Janet…Janson seems not so bad.  So basic.  Something else I can’t read.  Chapter 18; Coast is Clear.  Let’s see what actually happens.  Vicky spins, puts her leg…feet up on the desk.  She’s pretty confident.  It looks like there was a Trojan horse, also, on…Michael says the humans don’t suspect anything.  Yeah, Vicky says, ‘cause we’re doing such a great job.  Sure are, Michael says.  Here’s my ideas for the…here’s my report.  Oh, Vicky says too long.  From now on, your memos are one page max, with pictures.  Quinton over here, he’s got a new idea for Tahani.  We’re gonna have a birthday party for Gunnar, and it’s gonna be better than her party while she has one.

 

They’re all…Michael’s like wow, you’re incredible.  I think they’re flowers on Michael’s tie; not circles.  Now he’s talking to Tahani and Jason.  They say, it doesn’t seem so bad.  They have basic ideas.  Then he’s complaining about they’re working…everybody’s been working for a thousand years, or at least they have.  The episode opens.  Oh, he uses Millennial; that’s why.  Then we’re in Ethics 101.  Chidi’s writing on the board.  They say, what should we call you?  Like, what sort of supreme…semi-supreme being…?  Chidi’s ready for the first lesson.  Tahani and Jason aren’t there because they’re working with the…he goes, okay.  Michael says I don’t like your syllabus.  It doesn’t do it for me.  Chidi goes, we have to start somewhere.  Michael is really throwing shade on humans.  Oh, boy.

 

I’m gonna breathe and I’m gonna be goofy and I have fingers.  Oh boy, is that silly.  Proceed.  Tahani and Jason are setting up a party.  Now, this was pretty cool; I didn’t notice it at this moment, but later…so, I’ll tell you now…I’ll probably tell you again ‘cause I’ll forget; I was…this is in a hotel lobby of a hot…or not the lobby.  I guess you’d call it the lower lobby or the room.  I don’t know…I guess it’s called like, a room.  I think it’s probably a restaurant.  Maybe I saw people eating breakfast or lunch there.  But I was at this hotel for a conference.  They didn’t actually…I don’t think they had any events in this room.  They had them in a room off of this room.  I did make a phone call from this room, I did look at it ‘cause it’s very spectacular, and I have a pen from the hotel.  I was there for a podcast conference, of all things.

 

It’s in downtown LA.  Can’t remember what it’s called; Millennium Hotel, I think, or maybe that’s who owns it.  I don’t know.  I forgot, and I didn’t look it up.  But I’ve been to this hotel.  It’s in downtown LA, and I enjoyed it.  I enjoyed the conference.  But anyway, so, they’re setting up for the party.  You’re the best at having parties, Jason says.  Oh yeah, in my notes.  You’re right; I gotta go through that.  I’m not good at much.  Kitchen Professor Chidi…Ethics 101…Michael’s a jerk, party setup…I am the best.  Oh, so she does take Jason’s words to heart.  Then we have Eleanor and Chidi…porthole, windbag, to gep…grep…G-R-E-P coach?  Grip coach?  Retirement…third about…think about that for a second.  He takes his glasses off.  Oh.

 

He does a double face touch…to run…oh, to…he does a Munch…what’s that…Munch…the person with their hands on their face.  Munch?  M-U-N-C-H?  But then he goes into the fetal position and maybe Chidi’s lap?  We’ll see in a second.  Then there’s an ad.  Say, you’re having a existential crisis.  First step…war shell…okay…Camu.  Snack…cool ranch…fleeting nature…flashback Eleanor.  ThunderBats.  On two cushions…oh, was she watching ThunderCats?  Her house is nice.  Lots of cactus in her house.  Cheetos I think is what Eleanor has in a bowl.  There’s a basket with all the remotes.  Oh, I’m supposed to pause it there.  So, let’s run it.  We got Jason and Tahani talking.  Her hands are on her hip.  Belgian…avant-garde Belgian floral designs.

 

She have no more than that…what if I throw a party so amazing that it’s better than the party that’s supposed to win?  Then they’ll realize they missed my party.  Jason just nods.  She goes, I swore to uphold the hostess code.  I, Tahani Al-Jamil, will do my level best to make every event too much.  Let’s do my 2008 fundraiser from Zurich.  No, 2007; even better.  Janet loves it.  Tahani…there’s a zoom on her laughing.  Michael’s ripping out books…ripping out pages from a book.  Eleanor’s like, I’m the best student.  She goes, this isn’t your fault, Chidi.  He’s not a good…he’s not a good person; that’s the problem.  Then Chidi says no, Michael can’t get…he’s immortal, so how’s he supposed to find out about being a human if he doesn’t have consequences for his actions?

 

Oh yeah, I was talking about the porthole, because the porthole looks like it looks in on a breakfast nook that I have not identified.  It could be Eleanor’s bedroom, but from…or another lounge area.  [00:20:00] She goes, isn’t it weird they…that pants have two legs?  Why don’t they have no legs?  Chidi goes, a skirt?  So, Michael’s chilling.  They say Michael, what if…is there a big farm for you?  He goes yeah, early retirement.  He goes, if you really make a mistake, you get retired and it’s not great.  Involves a ladle and molecules, a ladle that does molecules, and a sun.  Both their arms are crossed.  Michael’s hand’s on his knee.  Chidi has one of those webbed belts I had like in fourth grade.  I don’t even know if I had one.  Not a…maybe it’s not a web belt.  Maybe it’s a…what is that called?  Something, but anyway.

 

What about emptiness, nothingness?  Think about that for a while, Michael.  This is some great Ted Danson acting.  He’s able to change his things.  You say so, that would be it.  I’d be…big farm is like that?  I’d be de-existed like in those books?  He’s Munching his face and rubbing it.  Chidi opens his arms with joy.  Then he has to fall over into Chidi’s lap ‘cause he’s kinda accepting.  Chidi goes, we’re getting somewhere now.  Oh, boy.  You betcha.  He goes, this is good.  It’s a existential crisis.  That’s what people go through when we think about the…when, you know.  He goes, we can work through this.  Eleanor’s like, I don’t know.  First step towards understanding ethics.  Or it won’t work out, Chidi says.  Then he goes Eleanor, let me talk…oh, let me go grab some Camu.  Chidi says, how you doing?  She rubs his head.

 

Can I get you a snack?  What do you eat?  Cool ranch?  I don’t know.  He goes, I’m searching for meaning.  The fleeting nature of existence.  Eleanor says, it’s easy.  He goes, they want you to think it’s not a big deal when you learn about it as a kid.  So, then they scan…go to her house as a kid.  Nice rug and everything.  Her mom comes in.  Max, your dog, is now living on the farm, so that’s great news.  Running free, rainbow bridge, everything, and really enjoying things.  Beautiful rainbow bridge.  Beautiful…a really nice apartment, or house, I said.  This place is gorgeous.  Mom has wine and a straw.  One…two remotes and a couple other things in one of the baskets.  There’s another remote on the table.  Let’s see, magazines…everything’s very neat.  She’s sitting or kneeling on two big pillows as close to the TV as possible.

 

It is also phoenix-style, ‘cause there’s a little bit of a southwestern feel, and all the cactus, I guess.  Young Eleanor is in maybe Oshkosh B’gosh.  She’s in a…what do you call that thing?  What is that called?  Corduroy overalls in a coral color, and then a striped shirt.  She has a turquoise hair clip or whatever, a barrette that matches her…the stripe…one of the stripes on her shirt.  Then we go to Tahani’s party.  This is I think when I realized I’ve been in that room before, ‘cause Tahani’s on the second floor balcony.  I said, I stood up there and looked in this room.  They say okay, Michael…he’s stressed.  Jason says oh, I’ve been through that, man.  You’ll be okay.  Philosophy…too much philosophy.  We gotta cheer him up.  They say even…Eleanor says ennui which we looked up last…a couple years ago.

 

I saw it; I said I still don’t know what that word is or how to spell it, but now I do.  It looks like some sort of herding animal; E-N-U-U-I or something.  You say, is that like one of those furry yaks?  That’s another kind of yak, right?  Ennui?  They say, okay.  Then Tahani’s like, this party’s gonna be jumping soon unless I’m sorely mistaken.  Then we go to Gunnar’s birthday party.  There’s a giraffe, Build-A-Bear, fireworks, plumes.  They sent Michael down; they say, stay calm.  Repress things.  Ice sculpture…put on a fake smile like when people talk about their kids.  Welcome to the party.  We got flying stuff, animal…playing around with animals, really cool things; falcons…ball pit, puppy pit where you could just lie around with puppies, and then if you ever want to sit in a kangaroo pouch…Jason goes, my whole dang life.

 

He goes, this is a great party.  I gotta go.  They go, Tahani, look miserable with this party.  Just like that; perfect.  Where’s Michael?  Oh, boy.  Then Michael pulls up in a Ferrari and he’s dressed kinda like he would be in Miami Vice.  He’s acting all cool, like…oh, so a white suit with kind of a linen…and a turquoise linen shirt that maybe we’ll see a season or two later on Chidi in a different circumstance.  Then Janet is changed to Jeanette.  She’s supposed to laugh at Michael’s jokes and be…pretend she’s not the most competent and intelligent being on the…in existence.   How many quarterbacks…?  A lot of good jokes.  Michael goes, this repression is awesome.  He’s dancing around.  His hair is loose…acting like he had too much Red Bull, which I think even comes up.  Cut to a commercial.  He’s showing his earring.

 

I forgot that he had a earring.  Eleanor goes yeah, this is a pretty standard thing in Arizona.  This is kind of a mid-life thing.  Tattoo…Chidi goes no, this is worse.  This is absurdity.  Either you confront it or you’re in denial.  The Jenga Tower of Sadness.  Eleanor goes, he’s pretty fragile.  He’s only been around…he’s only realized it for a few minutes.  Then they zoom on Eleanor.  She goes…she’s saying her…she’s with her date and she’s saying bye-bye to her father.  Let me hop back to my notes, though.  Ennui bowl…a big bowl of ennui.  Printer toner philosophy…high-five.  Been in that hotel.  Happy birthday, Gunnar.  Michael has balloons, animals, flying, puppy pit, kangaroo pouch…my whole life.  Great.  Ferrari, white suit, turquoise shirt…Jeanette.  Still me.  Earring…repressing her feelings.  Ray Bans.

 

Talking earrings, mid-life…no denial.  Jenga tower…Eleanor and dad…date…something.  Mom and wine straw.  Doug very beardy.  Not a roast.  Not sad.  I’m fine.  Pause…other guest.  I guess I gotta pause it for other guests, so let’s see.  Eleanor and her boyfriend are talking.  Mommy’s here.  So, we got not a great view, but on one side we got one, two…a lot of the guests are in shorts.  Maybe I was supposed to pause it on something else.  I don’t see anything super unique here.  Who’s this tall drink of wine?  That’s my boyfriend Sam.  Sam, this is my sister, mom says.  Her purse clashes with her skirt.  She’s not really…mom’s not behaving appropriately.  F-A-R-T in the shape of a man.  She’s like yeah, how…this is a…this is my shining moment.

 

Some of the guests are looking at her and clutching one another.  The mom; oh my goodness.  High-five…she tries to hold his hand.  She slips him her room key.  She goes, holy cow.  Then we go back to the party.  Vicky says thanks for coming to Gunnar’s party.  A bit of a mix-up; I guess Tahani also had a birthday party at the restaurant, so that’s helpful.  [00:30:00] We could head over there.  Tahani says this party’s better.  They say, I’m sure yours is good.  But she goes, my decor is pretty good, but I don’t have actual unicorns.  Unicorn comes through; it’s got a lit up horn and when it touches the ground, wherever its clops hit.  There’s rainbow circles.  Michael wants to make a toast.  He goes oh, boy.

 

Makes some speech about existence and not thinking it…he goes, focus on something great, like Drakkar Noir, which I’m wearing, or Sharper Image.  What can’t they ionize?  Giraffe’s still walking around in the background.  He goes, let’s all talk about our favorite cheeses.  Jason raises his hand.  Vicky goes, what’s going on with you?  He goes oh, now I’ve given in.  You’re in charge.  It’s all good.  Anger is…I’m not about negativity anymore.  He goes, I’m happy you’re in charge.  She goes, good.  Namaste.  He’s like, you want to dance?  She goes dude, no.  Tahani wants to leave.  Jason has a little pet he’s hanging out with.  He goes, there’s dolphins, the game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos with hippos.  This party’s way better than ours.  Oh, that’s why you’re not happy.  She goes, you can stay.  She goes, I’m gonna have a pity party.

 

I might not be able to throw that.  Michael goes into his office with Eleanor and Chidi and he’s dancing.  Eleanor has a stack of books.  You want to hit the clubs?  Vegas, Dubai, and…oh, this is when he was drinking Red Bull.  Eleanor’s like, maybe you should wind down.  He goes, can’t stop moving.  If I do, then I’ll start thinking.  Once I start thinking about that stuff…oh boy, too late.  Thinking about it now.  He goes, I was gonna do some samba.  What’s samba?  Eleanor goes, we gotta pick a book to get him back to normal.  Chidi says, it’s not that easy.  He’s all over the map.  They are…actually are sambaing.  I didn’t notice that before.  Not sure a book can solve this.  Eleanor goes, I dealt with it.  Chidi goes, are you sure?  You didn’t ever think about this stuff in a deeper way?  Then they zoom on her face.

 

She’s in a Bed, Bath & Beyond and she sees a four fam…like, a four-person toothbrush holder.  Who needs four toothbrushes?  A family, Greg from Bed, Bath & Beyond says.  She goes oh, a whole family together.  Oh, very nuclear.  She gets down.  Greg’s trying to help her.  She says…she gets sad.  She goes oh, those toothbrushes are close together.  They could probably talk to one another about stuff and hold one another and be there for one another.  Greg’s like oh, boy.  Then she starts crying into a toilet plunger, which is unbelievably amazing.  He goes, we have tissues.  She goes, yeah.  Then she takes…she goes, a family pack of tissues.  She cries into the plunger again.  OXO plunger too, I think.  Same one I have at home.  When I plunge, I use an OXO…when I plunge, it’s OXO.  OXO plunger; I plunge with it.

 

Anyway, she says Michael, you’re learning to be human and that’s part of…that’s the big farm and it causes a lot of feelings, and that’s part of being human, those feelings.  He goes well, that’s garbage…crushes his Red Bull.  She goes yeah, but this is the deal.  That’s humanity.  It’s…sometimes you feel an S to the A to the D.  She goes, I’ve been there.  Everybody’s been there.  But Greg from Bed, Bath & Beyond once said cry all you want, but you’re gonna have to buy that plunger.  She stands up.  Michael glares.  Jason tries to get…Tahani.  She’s kinda sitting there, and her dress perfectly matches some of the decor.  Beautiful balloons…really a great-looking party.  She goes, I thought I could out-party plan all powerful beings.  But that kinda says more about me than them, huh?  She goes, I guess it worked.  Am I really that shallow?

 

Jason gives another…he goes, in Jacksonville, I was in charge of a 60-person dance crew.  We had this new…oh, when we audition a new dance…I’m gonna quote all this, ‘cause it’s really good…we rate them.  We audition in five categories.  What do we got, here?  Dancing ability, coolness, dopeness, freshness, and smart-brained.  I don’t know.  Is that one?  He goes, I give you an eight in every category.  She goes, eight isn’t bad.  He goes, eight’s the best.  On a scale of one to thirteen, eight was the highest.  He goes, it went up and then back down again.  He goes, lately you’ve been down on yourself.  He goes, you’re really amazing, the most amazing person I’ve met besides Michael.  He was kind of a ten.  Which is worse than a eight, Tahani says?  Yeah.  She goes, that’s confusing.

 

He goes, you’re cool, you’re dope, fresh, smart-brained.  I’m guessing you’re a good dancer, so you’re good at everything.  She’s kinda relieved.  He goes, you’re awesome.  Be nicer to yourself.  She says thank you, Jason, from one eight to another.  Then they cheers.  Then we cut back to Eleanor’s.  They’re going over Michael’s notes of how well it’s working.  She goes, I brought you back from that existential thing.  He goes, we’ll have to embellish your report so Vicky doesn’t catch on.  I’m grateful you pulled me out of your…my funk, though.  Then Chidi says okay, time to read some Todd May.  Eleanor says, sounds like a great beach read.  Where’s Tahani and Jason?  Then we bounce back and they’re in B-E-D and I’m not talking about…and Jason says, that was awesome.

 

She goes yeah, it kind of surprisingly so was.  She goes, we should talk about this.  He goes, how about some breakfast?  I can make cereal.  Alright.  She kinda sits there, looks up, takes a breath, and then says well, if it worked, it worked.  That’s the end of the episode.  Let me just see my notes, though.  Drakkar Noir, ionize…Jason raises hand, cheeses, Michael and Vicky, Tahani and Jason…she’s leaving…ooh, ahh.  Pity party…Michael, Red Bull, office, slows down, samba lessons.  I was fine.  Small zoom on Eleanor…Bed, Bath & Beyond.  Toothbrushes, family, close…sure…cries into plunger.  Ahem.  Goes to talk to Michael.  That’s the deal.  Michael thinks…post-party sadness.  Another piece of Jason wisdom.  Eleanor, Michael…short sleeves, kinda almost a flannel shirt.  Michael is grateful.  Todd May…I put post-coital.

 

Tahani okay with it?  Then what does that say?  EMA…EMH or EMA?  I don’t know.  Oh, and yeah, then we roll into Episode 5; Trolley Problem.  My notes here; let’s see.  Tackle…model set up…oh yeah, so I’ll pause on that.  Chalkboard, Jason calls, thought experiment, keep them…keep a-swiping.  Iconic trolley or ironic trolley.  I think it’s iconic, though.  But it’s a cable car.  Choice…choice something.  Michael has been driving…drawing.  Voice bubble…great work.  Got us all.  Oh, so that’s Michael’s art that he does while…so, Chidi’s teaching the Trolley Problem.  Michael’s not listening.  He’s drawing the opposite of what Chidi’s trying to teach.  Then Chidi makes him write on the board; people equal good.  Then we go to Chapter 19.  We zoom up for the trolley.  Hang out…smoothie time.  Cuddle up.

 

Who cares…I guess smoothie time’s probably…maybe that was my code word?  I don’t know.  Why don’t you want anyone to know?  Maybe you should talk to someone.  [00:40:00] Kitchen’s full of books.  Rap musical…Kierkegaard.  I believe in you, nerd boy.  But Chidi was good, I put, in his Kierkegaard rap musical.  Tahani pacing in a very therapist…in a way therapist…close enough.  Oh, that’s with Janet.  She tries to talk to Janet.  I will try.  Now I’m done.  Janet as therapist…Chidi; Les Mis…Michael easy…all are bad.  Did I say Michael has to write ‘humans are good’ on the board?  France eats…equals automatic.  Oh, every character in Les Mis went to the Bad Place and everybody from France, according to Michael.  A long time, all of it…station, bread, 17 or -17…oh, stealing bread is -17 or -20 if it’s a baguette.

 

So, that was Aladdin and Jean Valjean.  Scarce…sacre bleu…Victor Hugo.  Echelon…oh, echelon duke rule.  That’s what…that’s Tahani’s rule for…you gotta be a duke or graduated from better than duke to hang with Tahani.  I did dally with Larry Hemsworth.  What are you doing sitting in a room?  Jason sighed.  Eleanor shows up for Chidi and Michael.  No right answer.  I just have more than you, so theoretics…let’s try.  Snaps fingers.  This is…oh, so this is all stuff you could see on the Universal Studios tour.  Cable car, 824…worker…oh, the station wagon…one of the station wagons we had as a kid, like with the wood sides, wood…fake wood station wagon in blue.  Also a hot dog cart.  Movie…oh, the movies at the movie theatre are Strangers on a Train and Bend it Like Beckham.  No time.  Oh, okay.

 

What did we learn?  Ad.  Then we have Chidi frozen…none of it real.  But there have to be stakes, Michael says.  Connect with the material more.  I’m sorry.  Find Henry; he has his boots.  They’re stuck.  Calculate a book.  The Ethics Express.  Coolie…cool ethical speaker.  Jason, Tahani…says Tahani’s soft and smooth like water balloons.  Scented…who…four classic are backers.  Couples therapy?  Question mark.  Fern…floating thumb…this not lady…something up Chidi.  Dude, what the fork?  Eleanor…unethical.  Michael gets busted.  Old habits.  My bad.  I was just letting off steam.  No, no, no longer welcome.  Get the fork out.  Very Wonka.  Chidi book pause, or something.  Menu food is words.  Eleanor apologizes.  No takebacks.  Sweaty forehead…stress grimace.  Eleanor…no.  I can thread of one.

 

Back to Tahani and Jason…fresh flowers.  Keep it on the DL.  You grabbed my butt.  But you do sit in a lot of gum.  Frog bark or frog book.  Something pause…feet on something.  Michael pause…feet on desk?  Pulling on Eleanor…lashing out…classic Shellstrop.  100% on you.  Michael’s speech for opposite.  Process…ship…something.  Pity balloon guys…pop.  Oh, he gives everybody gifts.  Pikachu balloon…a giant diamond for Tahani.  Chidi…a old notebook of Kant…Chidi throws it in the trash.  That’s a bribe; not an apology.  Oh, shrimp dispenser.  That’s what that says.  It looks like ship diasnani.  Admit I was wrong.  I’m so sorry.  I feel so lost and vulnerable.  First he says it in one way, then he whispers it again.  Two-way dancing, I put.  Sniff…have a seat.

 

Something…ad…Tahani and Jason and Janet…there’s a little bit of a shaking.  Janet and Michael kind of were on the verge of a total collapse, here.  So, that’s me.  How are you?  Well, that’s the main thing.  How are you?  I think it ends, so let’s run through it from the top, here.  Says something went wrong.  Oh, for some reason my download’s going.  Let’s try again.  Yeah, it’s just downloading.  It says Season 2, Episode 5, The Trolley Problem.  Chidi’s frustrated by Michael’s inability to understand the principles of human ethics and Tahani confides in Janet.  Looks like there’s a total of twelve episodes of this season, which would mean we have one, two, three more episodes after this to record.  Is that right?  One…oh, but yeah, sometimes the last episode’s longer.  I don’t know.  Twelve…so, one, two, three.

 

Oh, no; one, two…six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve is…yeah, so I guess…yeah, we’ll see.  Okay, so The Trolley Problem.  Here we go.  It opens on Eleanor’s house.  Chidi’s teaching.  We’re gonna tackle the Trolley Problem.  He has…Jason’s calling pieces.  No, no, no, we’re not playing a board game.  This is a kind of model for teaching.  Really nice model he has set up right in Eleanor’s living room.  Okay, he goes, this is a thought experiment.  Jason makes a great face.  Flip a foot…1967.  He explains how it works.  There’s also great stuff on the board…chalkboard that I didn’t…Chidi’s like okay, which track would you choose?  Eleanor raises her hand.  She’s asking for more information, beginning…thinking in an experimental way, I would say.  Chidi’s like yeah, keep swiping.

 

There’s somebody that maybe she had a conflict with?  Chidi says no, no one like that.  Tahani says, I’ve been on an ironic trolley.  Chidi says, okay.  What about other things?  How does it change?  What if…what do you think?  What if it’s not a trolley?  Michael’s acting like he’s paying attention, and then he just shows this great drawing he made, like I said earlier, that says great job, Michael.  You fixed it in the worst way possible.  Looks like there’s some broccoli on…like a broccoli sculpture on Eleanor’s thing.  Great use of color, too.  There’s very little color except where…to make points on Michael’s thing.  Everybody stares at him.  Says yeah, write it ten more times; humans are good.  Or people equal good, people equal good.  Then the episode opens.  Chapter 19.  We see that Jason’s like oh, I gotta go.

 

Eleanor says, you don’t want to hang?  They say no, we gotta go deal with something.  That sounds fun, but we’re gonna get ahead on our homework.  Jason, do you care to join?  Sure, dawg.  It’s totally bad acting, yeah.  Then they’re in a post-snuggle time.  Tahani’s like, Eleanor might be catching on.  Did you tell her anything?  Jason goes no, but why would it matter?  She goes, I like how you refer to our lovemaking.  He goes, who cares?  He goes, maybe you should talk to a friend about it.  She goes, but then they would know we’re together.  He goes yeah, then you could talk to them about why you don’t want anybody to know we’re together.  [00:50:00] She goes, but I don’t want anybody to know.  Jason says well, isn’t that weird that you don’t want anybody to know and you don’t want to talk to anybody about it?

 

Eleanor says hey teach, how’s it going?  Chidi’s trying to get…wrack his brain.  He goes, maybe a Kierkegaard rap musical would get through to him.  Terrible idea.  He throws it out.  He does a few bars from it.  He goes, I don’t know how you’re gonna teach him to be good.  It’s like teaching me not to be so gorgeous.  She goes, it’s not possible.  Gurp, gurp, gurp.  Chidi goes, I’m sorry.  Then she says to him…she says, I believe in you, nerd boy.  If you can teach me and Jason ethics, you can teach anybody.  He goes, that’s definitely a no.  Let me give you a sample now.  My writing is impeccable.  Teleological suspension on the ethical.  She goes, nope.  Tahani’s pacing.  She says Janet…she goes, if I tell you something personal, you can’t tell anybody, right?  She goes well, that’s like a therapist.

 

She goes no, a therapist is a trained…some…medical professional with the ability to absorb and process complex ideas.  I’m just a vessel with all the knowledge in the universe.  She goes, close enough.  Jason and I are sleeping together.  Normally…this is just situational.  Normally I wouldn’t do this.  But she goes, maybe you can help me with this.  She goes well, I’m here to make your experience more enjoyable.  I’ll try to help you.  Gonna need some time to read every book written about psychotherapy.  She does that in about one second.  Let’s begin.  She already has a Stenopad in her hand.  Then she puts on glasses.  Chidi goes to talk to Michael about the homework assignment of the ethics of Les Mis, and that’s where they cover the stuff about the bread and stuff like that.

 

Chidi’s in a blue Oxford…top button’s unbuttoned.  Not a button-down collar, which really looks good on him.  Then khaki pants, webbed belt, or maybe…whatever that’s called.  I can’t think of it.  Not webbed belt; a braided belt?  Is that what it’s called?  The old braided belt.  Michael has a pink Oxford, and then one of his more speckled ties with a different shade of pink, and then a popping blue, and then a pink pocket square that matches his shirt.  But the tie really pops.  They’re going back and forth about Victor Hugo and everything.  Also, if you look at the frames of their glasses, Michael has a thinner frame, Chidi has a little bit thicker frame.  Then we hop back to Janet and Tahani.  Tahani’s pretty relaxed.  She’s leaning back.  Janet’s leaning forward.  Oh no, she’s leaning back too, on her side.  Dallied below my station.

 

Non-famous Hemsworth; Larry.  Jason’s not…he’s not…Jason rolls in.  What are you guys doing?  Sitting in a room?  That’s cool.  What are you doing, sitting in a room?  That’s cool.  Well, talking about our relationship with Janet.  Janet says okay, let me hear Jason’s side.  Nah, I’ll talk for him.  He thinks I have to control everything.  Then she goes oh, okay.  Then she’s like, I’ll leave, Jason, and you can talk to her.  Eleanor walks in on the Trolley Problem discussion with Michael.  He goes, why don’t you just tell me the right answer?  Chidi goes, there is no right answer.  Michael goes, this is why no one likes philosophy, then.  Eleanor goes, yeah.  He goes, Michael, trust me.  I know more than you about human ethics.  That’s where Michael takes it too far.  He says well, prove it to me.

 

Let’s take it out of the theoretical and into a concrete approach.  He snaps his fingers.  They’re on the trolley.  Oh, goodness, Michael.  What did you do?  Made the Trolley Problem real.  Let’s see how this plays out.  They’re on the Universal Studios backlot.  Most of the cars are older, like 50s cars, and then maybe even a 30s and then some 80s cars.  Chidi’s trying to control the cable car and he doesn’t do anything the first time.  He’s too busy thinking.  Trolley stops.  What did we learn?  Go back.  Go to commercial.  Come back; they say Chidi, let’s talk this out.  He goes, what are we thinking?  Eleanor goes, he’s probably just stressed right now.  He goes, it’s just a simulation.  Chidi goes, that’s reassuring.  Michael goes well, there’s real stakes even though it’s a simulation.  Eleanor said, what about the classroom?

 

Well, we’re in the classroom, kind of.  But we’re also not really.  They say, don’t worry, none of it’s…oh, that’s right, I already covered that.  Yeah.  It is real but it isn’t.  We have to take this out of a thought experiment.  He goes, you asked me if I could connect with the material more, and now I’m doing it, so don’t shame me.  I’m trying.  Chidi goes okay, I do want to help you understand this.  He goes okay, let’s go again.  They go again.  Maybe we discuss it.  No, you gotta figure this out now, Chidi.  Quick; what’s your decision?  Okay.  I’ll go down the one track.  He goes oh, I forgot to tell you; you know your boot buddy…your boot brother Henry is there in his boots.  Nice trolley.  His giant boots are stuck in the track, one of the heels.  So, that goes.  Chidi catches the boot.  We see it’s called The Ethics Express.  Michael goes, okay.

 

Eleanor’s like, is that really how it would go down, ethically speaking?  Jason’s talking to Janet.  He’s kicked back.  We kinda see…yeah, there’s potted plants in the room, vases, very fancy; even a dresser.  She says…Jason says, why…how come I’m not…if I’m not a scientist who forecloses on banks, I don’t matter?  Tahani can’t take it, so she comes in.  She goes, what about couple’s therapy?  Oh, this is the bedroom.  I didn’t realize.  It was so big a room that there’s a couch and a chair in the bedroom.  This is when Janet’s thumb starts to float.  Small glitch, but if I’m helping you guys, that’s fine.  What not lady has a thumb and wants to help you?  Go back to The Ethics Express.  Okay, that was number seven.  Five William Shakespeares instead of Santa.  That’s interesting.

 

Eleanor says this doesn’t seem like we’ve…it seems like we’ve taken this as far as it’ll go.  Okay, Michael says.  He goes, let’s go to this amphitheater where everybody’s watching.  He goes, this one’s different.  Chidi goes well, let me think about it.  I got the hypocratic oath here, so at least I know how to behave here.  Michael’s like, come on, Chidi.  He goes no, no; this one’s easy.  No hypo…un…that makes it ethical.  Michael goes okay, one more wrinkle.  We’re gonna tell everybody, then.  A little kid goes up to Chidi; says how are things going, Mr…Dr. Chidi?  There’s a trolley problem.  Chidi goes, you gotta be killing me.  Michael goes, I’m finding this helpful.  Really starting to get it.  Eleanor’s thinking in the background and her eyes narrow.  She’s about to…then she steps forward.

 

She goes, Michael…and she goes, you don’t care about ethics right now.  You’re just going back to your old habits.  He goes, yeah.  He laughs hysterically, grabs Chidi’s shoulder.  Sorry; old habits.  Chidi goes, is this supposed to be funny?  Because it’s not funny to me.  He goes, come on, man.  My bad.  I’m still on your team.  I just need to let off some steam.  They go back to the kitchen and Michael…or Chidi’s like, you need us and we need you, but…he goes, what are you doing?  He goes, you know what?  Get out of my class.  Get the fork out.  He sits down, even, for his final get the fork out.  Like, just like Wonka would.  [01:00:00] They cut to a commercial.  They go back.  Eleanor talks to Chidi who’s now outside reading in a very stiff manner.  Really upset.  He’s reading Kierkegaard.

 

Oh no; concentrating on the table of contents.  It’s like a menu, but the food is words.  Eleanor says, interesting.  Can’t believe I thought Michael wanted to learn.  Really, he was just up to no good, using the thing I love against me; woven belts.  She said that.  I had never noticed that.  Sorry, Chidi.  I made him take the class.  He goes yeah, not your fault.  He goes yeah, I don’t think he can change.  This may…might be part of his plan.  Maybe he never intended to learn.  There’s also a Chidi’s nameplate on the desk.  He’s smudging up my glasses with my forehead’s stress grease.  Eleanor says no, I don’t think it’s true.  He goes, why is he behaving this way?  She goes, I think of one…Professor Anagonye.  Then we see Tahani and Janet and Jason again.  What do you value about Jason?  Well, he’s thoughtful.

 

He picks flowers and brings them to me, flowers I just planted.  He goes yeah, those are fresh ones.  He’s at least self…he’s got confidence, not self-aware, and he’s pretty good in the old bedroom.  He goes, I’m nice to you.  You’re mean to me.  He goes, I can’t put my finger on that.  It’s not working, though.  She goes, I like you but I can’t change all at once.  She goes, can you give me a little more time?  He goes yeah, if you grab my butt in public.  Like, a sneaky…in a sneaky way, like act like you’re grabbing the gum off my butt.  She’s trying not to laugh.  She goes, you do sit in a lot of gum.  They kiss.  Janet says she’s happy for them, but then that’s when a frog comes out.  She says, wait a second.  Michael’s feet are on his desk.  Chidi can’t take a joke; that’s his problem.  Eleanor gets irritated.

 

She goes, this isn’t about Chidi and you joking on him.  This is about you.  You’re pulling an Eleanor.  He goes, which one?  She goes, you know, rebelling because you feel uncomfortable, basically.  This isn’t funny; lashing out when you feel like a failure.  You couldn’t hack it and now you’re taking it out on the teacher.  Michael goes, I can see in nine dimensions.  He goes…she goes yeah, you can insult me all you want.  Another Shellstrop move, but you know I’m right.  Michael says, whatever.  Chidi will get over it.  Yeah, and she goes yep, that’s another one; letting the other person be the grownup.  She goes, we’re pretty similar.  She goes, this is on you to make it up to him.  She leaves.  Michael thinks about it.  Then he says, I apologize.  I’m owning it.  I’m supposed to be superior.  I oughta act like one.

 

So, I thought about each one of you, got you something that’ll make you happy.  Like presents?  He goes oh, that sounds good.  I like how that sounds.  Tahani; giant diamond.  He goes, I don’t know what the big deal about diamonds is, but carbon molecules.  She goes, oh boy.  She’s happy.  Eleanor; a neverending shrimp dispensary.  It’s like a soda machine.  Shrimp comes out of the ice thing and then there’s sauces.  What do we got?  I can’t…Circus sauce, something blast, sriracha, garlic, mystery flavor, Cajun, cool ranch, and maybe one more.  Maybe a avocado?  Pikachu balloon that Jason can’t believe, but he pops it by accident.  Chidi…tough nut to crack, but I figured it out.  This is the notebook of Immanuel Kant that no one’s ever seen.  It was his musings or whatever.  Oh, it’s a replica.  Yeah.

 

He goes, this is rare.  Chidi’s kind of…goes, there’s even doodles.  He’s interesting.  Chidi takes a dig…big…Chidi takes a deep breath, takes the book; cool.  Tosses it in the trash.  Not interested.  He goes, I can’t be bought.  Michael goes what do you want?  Me to give you a gold nameplate?  Diamond bigger than Tahani’s?  No, please.  He goes, I don’t want anything.  Oh, sorry.  Maybe I should have just told you.  So, first he does the aggressive fake apology to realize it to himself, then he does a quiet, real apology and…about being…feeling lost and vulnerable.  Chidi just says, yeah.  His shoulders are a little bit slumped, but in a way…I’m open to hear what you have to say.  He kinda just looks at Michael, nods.  Yeah, made me feel insecure.  I lashed out.  I feel so lost and vulnerable.  Chidi kinda smiles.  He says, have a seat.

 

Michael sniffles.  Eleanor says don’t try the mystery flavor.  It’s white chocolate.  Not good with shrimp.  But she has a little more.  Then we go back to Tahani’s mansion.  They thank Janet for all the therapy.  She goes, I’m very happy for both of you, but she’s not really, ‘cause then everything shakes.  She goes okay, bye.  Michael’s office is shaking.  They go in there…or Janet goes in there.  Hi.  He goes, what’s going on?  What’s wrong?  I’m wrong.  I got a glitch or something.  Don’t know what it is.  Not good for the neighborhood.  So, that’s what’s going on with me.  How are you?  The episode comes to a close until next week, which is pretty good.  So, we’ll see you soon.  Goodnight, everybody.

 

[END OF RECORDING]

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