1006 – Isthmus of Newts | LW7

Episode 1006 – Isthmus of Newts | LW7

 

[START OF RECORDING]

 

SCOOTER:    Friends beyond the binary, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and my patron peeps, it’s time for Sleep With Me, the podcast you enable to put you to sleep.

 

INTRO:    [INTRO MUSIC] Hey, are you up all night tossing, turning, mind racing?  Trouble getting to sleep?  Trouble staying asleep?  Well, welcome.  This is Sleep With Me, the podcast that puts you to sleep.  We do it with a bedtime story.  Alls you need to do is get in bed, turn out the lights, and press play.  I’m gonna do the rest.  What I’m going to attempt to do is create a safe place where you could set aside whatever’s keeping you awake.  It could be thoughts, things you’re thinking about on your mind, so thoughts about the past, the present, or the future.  Could be physical sensations, could be feelings or emotions related to anything; thoughts or feelings.  It could be changes in time or temperature, routine, work schedule, work stuff, whatever it is.

 

It could be a lot of different things but whatever it is, I’m here to keep you company and take your mind off of stuff because you and your sleep is important and you deserve a good night’s sleep.  That’s why I’m here.  I’m here to keep you company so ideally you get the sleep you need and deserve and your life’s a little bit better tomorrow.  That’s important to me because it’s important and it makes our world a better place.  If you can live your life a little bit more fully, that is deeply important to me.  It’s also important because I know how it feels in the deep, dark night, tossing, turning, mind racing, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep, and I feel like I really got…I do have gratitude right today because I woke up early and I had to visit the WC but the sun had already started to rise and all my blinds were open upstairs where my…our restroom is, and the light was coming in.

 

Then I said…but it was before 6:00, and I said oh boy, is that gonna throw me off?  Then I lied there for probably an hour, but I still needed to make it to…ideally ‘til 8:00 to get the proper number of hours of sleep.  Part of me was like okay, I don’t think I could nap today.  What if I’m up for the day?  I just kept telling myself…different than this podcast but in a similar…I said, just stay calm and let’s not get too frustrated.  Let’s just lie here.  We’ll think about some nice stuff and see.  Then if we can’t fall back asleep, we’ll get back up.  Right when I became resigned but not with resignation; more of like well, okay, I’ll just lie here a little bit more, I did drift off.

 

But I know how that feels.  Especially, I know the other side where it’s not…where I said oh, okay, normally I’m not like that, but the podcast and new listeners have helped me get like that.  So, that’s the other reason it’s important to me, but whatever’s keeping you awake, I’m gonna try to take your mind off of that.  What I’m going to attempt to do, as I already said once, is create a safe place.  I’m gonna smooth it, I’m gonna pat it, I’m gonna rub it down, I’m gonna say safe place.  Then I’m gonna send my voice across the deep, dark night.  I’m gonna use lulling, soothing, creaky, dulcet tones, pointless meanders, superfluous tangents, and what that means is I’m gonna get mixed up, I’m gonna go off-topic, then I’m gonna forget what I was talking about, then I’ll repeat myself, then I’ll try to remember something, all…circuitous logic is what I say.

 

Did I say I’m gonna use lulling, soothing tones and pointless meanders?  I think I did.  See?  I already got mixed up.  But the purpose of the show and the way it works is I’m a little bit of a distraction.  I’m barely distracting.  Talk about flying high.  You say Scoots, what is…what would you call the pinnacle of Sleep With Me?  I’d say barely, mildly distracting.  Barely, mildly distracting or mildly distracting, or barely distracting.  I’d say, partially distracting doesn’t make any sense, but it could be…maybe partially distracting could be a thing.  You say okay, Scoots, I don’t understand.  I say okay, let me explain more.  If you’re new, I’m so glad you’re here, like I said.  I really hope I can help you fall asleep, but let me give you some information.  Regular listeners, how you doing?  So good to have you back here.

 

So good to go off-topic.  I wonder what I’m gonna get mixed up about tonight.  I mean, you already heard…we already visited the water closet, so you’re already…you say, you got…I’m sure you had some giggles in there.  I gently tip-toed up the stairs ‘cause I live in a reverse place where you sleep downstairs and your kitchen and your bathroom’s upstairs.  Anyway, so…oh, so if you’re new, a few things to know; if you’re doubtful, if you’re skeptical, if you’re ambivalent, if you’re not sure you like this show, that is a very, very normal response.  Even big fans of the show say it took two or three tries to get over that initial…say, what is this thing?  What is this person even doing?  I would be skeptical if I tuned into this podcast, believe me.  I’d say, what is this…what are you up to?  I don’t even…what are you doing, man?

 

If I had a dollar for every time someone said that to me before I made the podcast, I would be so…I don’t know.  I’d be…seriously be on a boat or something somewhere.  Many, many times people said, what are you doing?  I tried to say well, yeah, I don’t know.  Here’s what I’m gonna do…and I know; I know it’s a strange thing.  What other listeners have said is give it a few tries and see how it goes, so that’s one thing.  If you’re doubtful, if you’re skeptical, if you’re unsure, believe me, that’s normal.  Regular listeners say give it a few tries, and there’s a couple reasons for that.  One, this is a podcast you don’t really listen to.  Like I said, I’m mildly engaging or whatever words I used earlier.  Oh, mildly distracting.  So, you just kinda barely listen to the…this podcast.  It’s not quite background noise, but it could be.

 

There are people that tune it down or put me under a pillow or across the room so I’m just kind of a faint vibration, or you could just kinda listen loosely and just say okay, Scoots is kinda just barely distracting me here, just like if you were watching clouds or watching a river or a stream flow by.  So, that’s one thing; don’t really pay too much attention.  If you’re waiting for the show to get started or to go somewhere, first, that’s natural, but eventually you say oh, the river’s just flowing.  It’s right here; it’s going somewhere downriver but right here it’s just going.  This is a podcast that never gets started and barely goes anywhere, but it eventually does, kind of.  It’s also a podcast that doesn’t really put you to sleep.  I’m here to keep you company while you drift off.

 

Ideally you just wake up tomorrow and you say, I don’t even know what that pod guy was talking about.  I’m here to keep you company as you drift off, to be your bore-friend, your bore…your friend, really, in the deep, dark night.  I use bore-friend, bore-bae, bore-cuz, bore-bestie, bore-sib.  Whatever it is, because yeah, I’m here to make that darkness and that rigmarole around bedtime less lonely, because it’s lonely for me, even when I’m not alone, and frustrating.  So, I’m here to counteract that.  So, those are hard to get used to, a podcast you don’t listen to and it doesn’t really put you to sleep.  You just fall asleep during it.  Now if you can’t sleep for some reason, don’t worry.

 

I’m here to the berry…very end, or the berry end, as Strawberry Shortcake would say, to keep you company ‘cause whether you’re awake or asleep, I’m keeping you company, barely.  So, those are a couple things if you’re new that can throw new listeners off.  The other thing that I get a lot of feedback about, usually from non-listeners or people that stopped listening in the first few minutes, but even regular listeners; this show…you can eventually kind of adjust how you listen to it and customize it, especially depending on the podcast app you use, or if you subscribe to other…you know, our membership or whatever.  But the design of the show is intentional but flexible.  So, the show starts off with a greeting so you feel welcome and seen.

 

Then it has support for listeners, then it has support for the show so the show can be here twice a week for free instead of like, what if the show only came out once a month?  That would be a bummer, huh?  Or if it was just part of some paid service.  I like it coming out twice a week for free.  So, that’s what the sponsors and the patrons allow us to do.  Then there’s the intro.  The intro goes from, whatever, six or eight minutes into the show to twenty-something.  Two or three people…2% or 3% of people start the show at around twenty minutes and just listen from there, or twenty-five minutes, [00:10:00] or even thirty minutes.  They like to listen to the story-only part, and then a few thousand people listen to story-only episodes on Patreon.  So, that’s…those are a couple different ways to listen.

 

Yeah, what was my point with all that?  Oh, structure of the show.  So, the intro; that’s the next part of the show, and it goes…it can feel frustrating for some new listeners ‘cause you say well, don’t…can’t you get to the point?  I say well, it’s kinda the point, is the intro eases you into bedtime or it gives you time to get ready for bed or to do your bedtime routine and start to relax, or even get in bed and get comfortable and just start drifting off.  There is probably 2% or 3% of people that are falling asleep or already asleep and oh boy, do they look cute sleeping there, so cozy.  Then there’s other people whose partners are already asleep and snoring.  We try to just move on from them ‘cause they’re so rested.  It’s great for everybody; terrific that you’re a sleep partner.

 

So, that’s why the intro goes on and on and on, is it’s kind of a show within a show where it’s similar every time to where I unsuccessfully explain what the podcast is, but it’s different every time so whatever parts of you keep you awake can’t quite get used to it or grab on and say oh boy, I know what Scoots is gonna say next.  You’ll more say, I know what Scoots is gonna try to say next, but he might forget and get mixed up.  So, that’s the intro, then there’s business between the intro and the show.  Again, that’s essential to the goal of the podcast; free twice a week.  So, I appreciate that.  Then there’s our story.  Tonight it’ll be our episodically modular series, Tales of Lady Witchbeard.  That’ll be fun.  Then at the end of the episode are thank-yous.

 

So, that’s the structure of the show, the reason I make the show, and some of the things that can throw new listeners off.  But I’m really glad you’re here and I really work hard.  I really yearn and I strive to help you fall asleep.  Give it a few tries ‘cause it doesn’t work for everybody on the first try.  If it doesn’t work for you at all or you’re already positive; you say dude, I loathe you, and I say, that’s okay…sleepwithmepodcast.com/nothankyou; there’s other sleep podcasts there ‘cause you deserve a good night’s sleep whether this podcast works for you or you like me or not.  You still deserve a good night’s sleep.  So, I hope you find something out there too, but give this show a few tries just ‘cause if it helps you, that’s great, too.  Yeah, so here’s a couple ways I’m able to do this for you free twice a week.  Thanks.

 

Alright everybody, Scoots here.  I’m back with another episode of our episodically modular series.  I just…’cause I said episode twice in one sentence.  Our episodically modular series, Tales of Lady Witchbeard.  It does have a touch of seriality, but I’m gonna take the seriality out of it right now and tell you everything you need to know.  This’ll be…if this is your first episode, then all the other episodes are prequels.  Or you say oh, it’s like…it’s where you could kinda listen to them in any order whether you’re awake or asleep or half-awake or half-asleep, or three-quarters or one-quarter, one-eighth, or if we’re on the metric system, I’d say well, I’m even more confused now.  So, Tales of Lady Witchbeard are the tales of Lady Witchbeard.  She’s a pirate and she’s a witch, and she’s a heroine out there…and an adventurer.

 

She has a sidekick named Daw who could be very similar to old Scoots who follows her around, learning from her, adventuring with her.  They also have another companion, currently; Don Dankle, who is a…once…I guess was a full-fledged pirate.  This story takes place in the realm of the thirteen seas, so not in our world; a more sea-based realm.  If you were a pirate, you’d say it’s a pirate realm.  You say, are there a lot of witch-pirates?  I say, no.  Lady Witchbeard’s the only one that I know about that I remember currently, and she was originally from a witch realm, like a realm…a witch world.  I don’t know the difference between worlds and realms, but witch world has better alliteration.

 

She was growing up…I think from my memory, she worked on a place that made some ingredients for spells, and everybody had their own…you know, even within a realm…like, suddenly we’d be like oh, what’s our realm?  But you’d kinda have to be outside your realm to realize you’re in a realm, maybe.  But she was in her own little niche within the witch world, and…but she said, this isn’t for me.  At first she said well, it’s just not…whatever, a mortal and pedestal…or pestle or whatever.  I’m not into that.  But then something happened and she got exposed to another world, the pirate…she said, this is what I’m about.  I’m about this adventuring on the high seas.  So, she buckled her swash and headed to this realm and ruled there for a long time.

 

I mean ruled not as a monarch but just kind of whoa, Lady Witchbeard rules, like you’d say if you were in the 80s and she was skateboarding.  She doesn’t skateboard; that’s just an example.  So, that’s normal…that’s the normal existence of Lady Witchbeard before she met me.  Then she met old Scoots, AKA Daw, and then she went on a mistaken adventure trying to…in another very similar universe to ours with Hernan Cortes, trying to teach him the perils of colonization with an edge.  But that didn’t work.  I don’t know how it worked out but I ended up getting scattered across multiple universes and so, then Lady Witchbeard had to go collect me and reassemble me.  That was never recorded.  None of…that was not an…’cause it wasn’t an official adventure.  It was kind of a side trek she didn’t want to be on.

 

She was just obligated by our friendship and, you know, she’s…she chooses to do…even though she might not brag about it, she does what’s right.  So, she collected me from all these universes.  This didn’t happen on any season.  Then she needed a big break because she…and she also needed a break from me.  That went on for a while but then I kinda got antsy.  I said man, I miss adventuring with Lady Witchbeard.  This is…I’m speaking as a character in the now…you know what I’m saying.  Eventually she had had enough R&R.  Also, her…whatever, pirate clearance had run out and she needed to get re-certified as a pirate.  Actually, it went so long that they said no, you’re gonna have to go back to being an apprentice to a journey…to a pirate or something.

 

Lady Witchbeard said no way; I’m on an…I’m gonna be on a mission to find Brandy, the woman who loved the man who loved the sea.  That was kinda my part.  I said, what about this song, Brandy?  It’s a fine song.  We could find out what a good life it would be, or whatever.  She said okay, this does sound interesting and it kind of goes with a myth.  So, we went out to find Brandy in the world of the thirteen seas.  Very quickly, we got sidetracked because Don Dankle from the Pirate’s Guild came and got Lady Witchbeard and said you’re supposed to be my apprentice to re-qualify to be a pirate, and I go by the guild rules.  You have to go by the guild rules.  Lady Witchbeard wasn’t super happy about it but she said well, it’s…it is the guild rules, so unfortunately, okay.

 

Then we got further sidetracked because we were still kinda questing to see Brandy, but Don Dankle wanted to do some pirate stuff.  We found out that something weird was happening, that there was this root that was more valuable than gold and everyone was moving all the mining equipment to mine this root of a plant or tree.  Don Dankle was still like well, we gotta do pirate stuff.  Let’s figure out something else.  We were kinda also using Brandy’s song as guidance.  So, whatever.  We were trying to figure out balancing…finding Brandy and Don Dankle’s agenda of the Pirate’s Guild.  Also, a lot of times, we were trying to trick Don Dankle.  I apologize, Don Dankle.  Then we found out the Pirate’s Guild was gone.

 

I guess Don Dankle and Lady Witchbeard found out that Lady…or Brandy was wanted by the Pirate’s Guild when it was functional.  Not sure why; they never showed me the poster, or maybe they did and I just didn’t read it.  Of course, at various points along the way, we lost Lady Witchbeard’s ship, then we lost Don Dankle’s ship, then we were shipless.  [00:20:00] While we were trying to get to the bottom of what was happening…well, also we had…I also spilled a lot of information to Brandy because I’m not good at keeping secrets.  So, Brandy took Don Dankle’s ship, maybe another ship, and all the pirates.  Like, both our crew and another crew of pirates that I had also spilled…showed a magical map to.  This was all on Library Island.  Good news; everything’s good on Library Island ‘cause we left.

 

Then we headed to this place I thought was gonna be like the Bermuda Triangle, but it turns out it was just very foggy and very narrow.  We discovered there that they…the…another ingredient they were in search of, which in very small amounts they only needed, that existed on some sort of…what is that called?  Not a crevasse.  A ravine that was touched by the fog.  One part of the rock…some certain rock that was touched by the fog so many hours a day, something about it…they needed the…whatever it was.  It was just that one place, but they didn’t need a lot of it.  They just needed buckets of it.  Also during that time, Lady Witchbeard got captured.  She was in bird form and Don Dankle and I were in frog form.  We were frogs, essentially.

 

So, Don Dankle and I, we hid in buckets of muck, whatever this muck, rock, sand, mud, whatever they were collecting.  They were collecting buckets of it.  Then…this part didn’t get recorded because it’s even more boring; we hid in the muck.  They put it in a hold on the ship, an open hold where they could dry the muck.  It was closed off.  For the longest time the door was shut, so Don Dankle and I just kinda hung out there.  Good news is, if you’re a frog, you can be in a open hold ‘cause flies still go down.   I mean, not…that’s something you eventually adjust to, or I did.  I don’t think Don Dankle ever adjusted to it, being a frog and have…being a frog practicing…having three squares a day.  Or, you know, you don’t actually…don’t…frog…you kinda just…your brain…it kinda all just happens.

 

Fly goes by; next thing you know, you’re satiated or whatever ‘til the next time.  You say, well…so, I don’t know if it’s part of your amphibian brain.  So, Don Dankle and I were basically in the hold of a ship hanging out, and that’s more or less where we are right now.  But first, our first full return when we’re recording this in person, and we’re gonna…now, the good thing is, I already practice distancing ‘cause I say, you gotta be quiet, man.  Like, I don’t…I say, what…do…your hair’s so silky, it makes…it jingles like I imagine ice would in heaven.  But yeah, I’m looking forward to it.  We’re gonna play a little Chrononauts and hang out and drink some tea and just…but first he has to remain perfectly still.

 

After he records this, he needs to remain perfectly still for about seventy-four minutes or so, without making a sound or breathe…you know, he can breathe, just not loudly.  Hollywood…people from Hollywood breathe loudly.  Well, the only person I know from Hollywood is the person who’s about…I would…happy to present our Hollywood announcer, Mr. Antonio Banderas.  The ladies, the gentlemen, the boys, the girls, the friends beyond the binary, it’s time to set sail on a tale of Lady Witchbeard.  Whoosh…yeah.  Wow, that was…that’s worth it.

 

That’s worth every creaky elbow you have.  Also, maybe…do…can you keep…cut down on the blinking, too?  I don’t know if it’s my imagination…probably is my imagination ‘cause there’s other times…are you ever around other times?  ‘Cause I say, is that Antonio Banderas blinking?  Is that what that sound I’m hearing is?  But it could just be the sound of my own heart…I mean, when you blink, my heart beats anyway.  But this is…that’s Mr. Antonio Banderas and this is the Tales of Lady Witchbeard.

 

Okay, so let me go over the plan as you explained it to me, Don Dankle.  They have started coming into the hold and stirring up the muck because parts of it are dry, but parts of it aren’t.  They’re…kinda seem like they’re doing some sort of sieving it into a powder.  Then they put a…what are those?  Burlap sacks over that.  So, we’re going to wait for a person to come in and then we’re gonna climb into their pockets.  Okay.  Then we’re gonna stay in their pockets for a while and see where we go and try to get into the pockets of the person who goes up the crow’s nest.  I guess that makes sense ‘cause we’ll be in the Mess Hall.  We should be able to…as long as…what if a person comes in and they don’t have…?  Oh, here…oh, they do have pockets.  Okay.  It’s a good thing we could communicate by power of the mind.

 

That’s handy as frogs.  Okay, Don Dankle.  Yeah…oh, while they’re leaning over; okay.  Wow, we’re in the same…I thought we were gonna get in different pockets.  Okay, well, so we’re here in the pocket.  Oh, wait; that person’s getting called back.  Okay.  Whoa boy, this is rocky.  It’s kinda nice.  Should we fall…oh, I’m falling asleep, Don…Don Dankle, you’re already asleep just listening to me have casual…oh, I’m…oh, I’m waking back up now.  Okay.  Oh, we are in the Mess Hall.  Okay, so Don Dankle…Don Dankle, hey.  So, you’re listening to these…?  I’ve been listening to the conver…you…oh, you’ve been silent.  What have you heard?  I’m sorry; I didn’t realize you were silently listening.  Okay, Daw.  So, I…if we go under this table and go two tables over, you have to follow me, and we just gotta be careful and stay low.

 

We can’t get caught.  I know the person who’s next on shift in the crow’s nest, and that is where they’re keeping Lady Witchbeard.  They said a perfect spot for a crow, according to Brandy.  I’ve been listening to other things, but we need to go…so just start…okay, Daw.  Keep following me.  I’m gonna keep having to look…it’s hard for a frog to look backwards.  Yeah, why don’t you keep…actually Daw, normally this would get on my nerves, but if you keep bumping into my rear end…yeah, that’s good.  Okay, so let’s go.  We’re between these…okay.  Wow, great job, Daw.  You’re really good at…whatever, frog…what…running into a frog’s rear.  Okay, so now we’re gonna…okay, see these boots?  Yeah, these greenish ones.  That’s the person…huh, you’re right; we could…I didn’t realize these boots do have a extra thing.

 

I guess that’s to catch…so, we could just climb up under here.  There is a little bit of…these boots are almost like a hat.  Okay, so we’re under the boots.  We’re each under a separate boot.  Now Daw, remember to hang on, ‘cause now we’re getting up.  Now we’re going up some stairs, and then the person’s drinking some water.  Very good.  They have good…Brandy runs…I don’t think Brandy’s ever been a member of the guild, but she does seem to follow a lot of the guild protocols which is good.  So, yeah.  So, okay…so, let’s see.  So, okay, now it feels like this pirate is climbing up to the crow’s nest.  Oh, what…go ahead, Daw.  So, what’s our plan once we get up to the crow’s nest, Don Dankle?  To get…set Lady Witchbeard free.  Okay, but won’t the…how are we gonna do that if the pirate’s up in the crow’s nest?

 

Oh…oh, wait; hold on, Daw.  The pirate’s greeting the other pirate and they’re switching…wow, they even switched harnesses.  So, they unharness one and then they harness the other.  This is really…this Brandy…I’m impressed.  Okay, the other pirate is going down.  So, oh, we should start talking to Lady Witchbeard but she can’t…shouldn’t she be [00:30:00] able to talk to us, Daw?  Yeah, that’s…Don Dankle, I think the first thing we need to do is deal with the pirate and then figure out…make visual contact with Lady Witchbeard, but I think we should have a plan because I’ve had so many experiences without a plan or making assumptions, kind of like…seems like you did.  Oh, we’ll just rescue her.

 

I think you’re very good at sorta kinda…figure…you’re good at some stuff that I’m not good at, Don Dankle, in a different way than Lady Witchbeard, though Lady Witchbeard — no offense — is superior to both of us, and that…not even with her ability to practice witchcraft; that’s just a bonus.  But so, we should deal with this.  We’re gonna have to deal with the pirate somehow.  Okay Daw, well, I don’t know what to do.  I mean, we could…at first I was thinking we could try to have the pirate slip on one of us, but that wouldn’t be a good idea for whoever got slipped on.  I don’t know, what if you…have you…you seem to be very good at…weren’t you doing something the whole time when I was trying to think of all the plans?  What were you doing?

 

Oh, I was practicing flicking my tongue against stuff because there used to be this…I already told you this, Don Dankle; there used to be this thing…there used to be a toy…like, it was a sticky thing with…I know you don’t have elastic or slime or any of that kinda stuff, but it was like a frog’s tongue, I…I mean, it was marketed that way, but it was also like, I used to imagine that.  Sometimes I would…yeah, so, turns out a frog’s tongue is different but it is similar…like we’ve talked about, my expectations were wrong but…so yeah, I was flicking my tongue against stuff, or I was practicing.  I mean, it did…at first…I mean, we were down there so long.  It was so boring.  I made a lot of different competitions and games; frog tongue Olympics…okay Daw, let’s just…what could you use your tongue to do with the pirate?

 

Well, the pirate had water…you said something…oh, that’s it; what if you flicked the pirate’s hat off its head?  Then they would have to go down and get their hat, because that must be one of the protocols Brandy has, is practicing proper protection from the sun.  Okay, I think I could do that.  You stay put, Don Dankle.  I’m gonna hop out here.  Okay, I’m on the shoe and now I’m gonna hop up here.  Don Dankle, you should probably…I forgot.  You should stay in the…when you get off the shoe, just stay in the center of the platform, okay?  Okay, Daw.  Thank you.  Okay, so…okay, I’m gonna try to flick…this could be tough but I think if I…I could…oh, Don Dankle, I got the pirate…I missed the hat and I poked the pirate in the pirate’s eye.  Okay, Daw.  Okay…oh, I tried again and I did.

 

Now the pirate is saying…can you hear that?  I can’t believe I just got…what’s a frog doing up here?  Now, the pirate’s hat did fall.  The pirate says they have to go to the eyewash station, so they have to climb back down.  Oh no…okay, they’re yelling.  They have to be belayed back down or something, and…so they can wash their eye out from frog goop.  It seems to be a big to-do.  Okay, and the pirate’s getting lowered down very slowly.  So, we probably only have so much time.  So, Don Dankle, you stay…oh, you jump…good thing you jumped out of that boot.  I didn’t even notice.  Oh, hey, Lady Witchbeard.  Can you hear us?  No.  Lady Witchbeard’s shaking her bird head no.  Lady Witchbeard, is that…okay, I’m assuming you’re muted.  Okay, Lady Witchbeard’s muted somehow.

 

Okay, it’s a bird-proof thing…latch, but it’s not frog-proof, so this shouldn’t take me long.  Lady Witchbeard, we don’t have…Don Dankle, we didn’t come up with a plan after we set Lady Witchbeard free, and the pirate’s gonna be up here soon.  Oh, boy.  So…oh, boy.  We gotta think on our frog feet now.  Oh, you know what, Don Dankle?  I see a basket coming up with a extra set of glasses and a hat.  They must have some sort of…they said oh, let’s keep a extra hat and glasses up here now.  So, if we jump in that basket as it comes up, we could get back down.  Lady Witchbeard, I’m guessing that they’re not keeping a eye on your latch because they’re assuming it’s bird-proof and they…I think they probably just think we’re an annoying frog.  So, we’re gonna hide in the basket, hopefully, and then jump off and…Don Dankle?

 

Yeah.  Why don’t you unlock Lady Witchbeard’s cage?  Lady Witchbeard, we will go back down and we will hide in the…we’ll go back to the hold with the mud in it, ‘cause you can fly back down at night.  Then we’ll go from there.  Okay.  Does that sound like a good plan…?  Okay, you’re unlocked, Lady Witchbeard, but it looks like the cage is still locked.  So, you should be able to just kick that cage open.  Once night falls, we’re gonna jump in this basket.  Don Dankle, once we’re about halfway down, I think we should jump into the hold, because we know that the muck’s gonna catch us.  Hop into the hold.  Don Dankle, once we get a little lower, we should hop in the…okay.  Oh, follow me, Don Dankle.  Ooh, that muck feels good after being out in the sun and stuff.

 

That feels…this is a little bit like I would have wished a mudbath would be like.  Okay, so that’s feeling good, Don Dankle.  Oh, boy.  Oh, wait; Lady Witchbeard, are you waking us up?  Oh, you can talk now.  Hey, Lady Witchbeard.  Yes, Daw, Don Dankle; I can speak now.  That was a magical cage.  It was blocking my ability to communicate or use any magic.  Here, it’s late in the night, early in the morning at the…it’s a little bit before the next shift change.  We need to change out of these disguises and gather some of this muck and some of the root, which is probably stored in the next hold over.  We were about to approach a newt…the isthmus of newt known as Newt Island even though it’s just an isthmus with newts.  Largest concentration of newts…some of this I heard.  Lady Witchbeard, I heard it as well.

 

I was gonna tell Daw all this.  That’s where they’re gonna collect all the newt poo.  Also, Lady Witchbeard, Brandy has some sort of big meeting tomorrow at dawn or today at dawn, so we have a few hours on the isthmus of newt or Newt…the pirates call it Newt Island but I guess that’s ‘cause they’re landing in a port and everything’s kind of a port or an island.  But you’re correct, Lady Witchbeard; it is the isthmus…newt isthmus or isthmus of newts.  Again, it is a very rare place even within the thirteen seas.  It’s just a high concentration of these certain newts.  I assume that’s the Newty-Poo that they’re looking for.  They’ll dock there and collect the newt poo, so Lady Witchbeard, what are you thinking?  Okay, this is interesting.

 

I don’t know where Brandy got a magical bird cage from, and I want to know who Brandy’s meeting.  Did they say anything else?  Yeah, the…some of the pirates were arguing who was really in charge of Brandy or who Brandy was meeting.  Like, who was giving the real orders.  They were arguing back and forth and laughing.  Who were they laughing at?  Well, they were imagining someone trying to boss Brandy around.  I guess Brandy’s…it seems like Brandy runs a tight ship.  Yes, I noticed the same thing, Don Dankle.  So…oh, so Lady Witchbeard, what were you…what’s the plan?  I mean, Daw and I have done pretty [00:40:00] well on our own but we’re a team again.  So, I think we gather those two ingredients, we get some newt poo, and we figure out what they’re trying to make.  I mean, we can only guestimate things.

 

We’ll just take one of the rowboats, we’ll cut the line, make it look like it drifted away, and eventually they’ll know I’m gone, but they’ll just assume I flew away or something.  But yeah, let’s go and collect this newt poo, figure out what it is, if those are the only three ingredients, and what your readings showed you, Don Dankle, and then see if we could find out where Brandy is meeting this person and figure that out.  Sounds good, Lady Witchbeard.  Oh, we’re already…okay, so now we’re back in human form and we’re follow…okay, we’re following you.  Daw’s not talking.  Oh, I guess I gotta…I’m just gonna barely talk.  Oh, we’re already in the rowboat.  Oh, Lady Witchbeard’s getting the…okay, you did get the ingredient…okay.  Okay, so, we’re gonna row ashore and everybody’s…okay, we’ll take turns resting.

 

Okay, I’m…oh, hey Don Dankle, it’s time to wake up.  We’re already…we gotta go.  We’re beaching the boat.  Oh, thanks, Daw.  I fell asleep there while I was talking.  Yeah, no one could hear you.  I think you were just talking inside your own head though, luckily.  You were still used to frog talking.  Now we’re actually talking with our voices.  Oh, Lady…okay…okay Lady Witchbeard, go ahead.  Alright, I want the two of you…I don’t know how we’re gonna find newt poo in the dark.  This is not good because I don’t even…I mean, I don’t even know what newt poo would look like in the wild.  I mean, we carried it…I’ve seen dry…usually we would sell it…Newty-Poo was dried newt poo, but a large amount of it collected.  Don Dankle, what else do you know about this newt…isthmus of newts?

 

Lady Witchbeard, I don’t know much else.  Excuse me, Don Dankle, Lady Witchbeard; I don’t mean to interrupt, but I don’t want to brag, and I don’t know any of the differences between salamanders and newts, but there was a time in my life where I would go and look at salamanders.  I never knew why I didn’t do it more often, other than one time I…my toe was…I would lift…you’d have to lift up a heavy, flat rock in the woods and if you did that, sometimes there would be salamanders under there and you could look at them.  So, I think I could probably find a newt.  Then more good news; sometimes I would hold the salamanders.  Also, I would hold toads and frogs.

 

Invariably and understandably from their perspective, even though I was very gentle and kind and I would talk to them in baby talk, they would go and leave me a present in their hands.  Sometimes a present one, sometimes…if you give them enough time and I talk to them in baby talk enough…maybe I’m just comforting them so much they say oh boy, let me just let this go.  Okay Daw, I like that idea.  Then maybe…let me see what I can think up, here.  Maybe you could talk to the newt in a basic way.  Don’t over-complicate things, Daw.  Actually, we’ll tell…okay.  Lady Witchbeard, I found a newt already, unless it’s a salamander that lives on an isthmus of newts.  Okay, Daw.  Here, I’m gonna rub your mouth with this feather.  Ask it if it’s a newt.  Hey, are you a newt?  Oh, cool.

 

Don’t…okay, I’m…sorry, I was gonna ask your name but I know Lady Witchbeard and Don Dankle want me to…don’t worry; if you want to…here’s the thing; if you want to go number two or number one in my hand, you can, because it’s probably weird getting talked to by a human.  There’s probably not even that many…yeah, no, I’m a human.  Okay.  Oh, what’s number two?  How do I explain that?  Oh, good…so, we’re looking…hm.  Lady Witchbeard, Don Dankle, could you help me?  This would be your area, Daw.  I think you can handle it.  Okay.  So, anyway, might…do you mind if I call you Newty?  Okay, cool.  Newty, I’m Daw.  Oh, those are…hm.  Let’s get back to number one and number two.  So, do you get most of your water through your skin?  ‘Cause I was a frog once…or your moisture.  Yeah.

 

Do you also kind of drink water from stuff?  Okay, yeah.  So, when the water goes through your body and your body does the body stuff and takes the water and whatever, does the water…the water leaves your body at some point, right, and you feel…do you feel relaxed when that happens?  Yeah, so that we call number one in the human world, or pee pee.  Oh, you call it whiz?  That’s something we call…that’s funny.  I wonder if that’s some sort of…so, newt whiz.  Oh yeah, you don’t need to newt whiz…I don’t need any newt whiz.  Thank you.  So, number two, then…can you get where I’m going?  Oh, yeah, that’s it.  That’s number two right there.  It’s very tar-like.  No problem.  Oh wait, Lady Witchbeard and Don Dankle do have some…so, oh, I forgot to…you are a newt, though, not a salamander.

 

Okay, go ahead, Lady Witchbeard.  Oh, where do they go to the…?  Where…?  Oh, thanks.  So, listen, Newty; do you go to the bathroom under rocks or just in the grass or down in the ocean or the sea?  You just made a scoffing sound.  Oh, your whole…oh, you have community bathrooms.  Yeah, of course.  So, okay.  So, wait a second, so you all…all the newts on Newt Isthmus…all…oh, okay, all your neighbor newts, you all use the same place to go.  Okay.  That makes…that’s what we do, too, kind…I mean, somewhat.  Oh, okay, like at the edge.  Oh, so then the rain washes it into the sea.  Okay.  So, can you show us where those are, maybe later?  ‘Cause Lady…okay, so, can I put…can…did you mind hanging in my pocket or something, just so I could talk to you later?  Yeah, no, there’s some crumbs in there.

 

Oh, okay, alright.  So, Lady Witchbeard, Don Dankle, did that all make sense?  Yeah, Daw.  So, okay…so, I have this bowl here.  Okay, so we have the roots and from what we’re seeing from what they’re gathering, I think the root is gonna be…this ground root is gonna be the largest ingredient.  So, I have about a third of the bowl filled with root, and it’s ground and dried.  Then I’m gonna just use a little bit of this, whatever, fog rock, we’ll call it.  I’m gonna use about a third of what we have of the root.  So, a third of that.  I’m just guessing based on some basic alchemy I did back in my other world…but the other thing is, it could be that the Newty-Poo…well, let’s just take it.  Actually, it was a substantial amount.  That’s about a third, too.

 

So, the Newty-Poo and the…right now and that are equal ingredients and the root is the majority.  Let me just try to mix it together.  It’s just kind of all gummed up with…is anybody seeing this?  Where’s…Don Dankle, where did Daw go?  Lady Witchbeard, he went to wash his hand in the ocean ‘cause he said he was a little bit grossed out by having newty pee pee, whiz, and poo poo on his hands.  How did he…I thought he only had it on one hand.  He rubbed his hands together and then he tried to comb…I think he’s gonna go…he’s coming back; he’s soaking wet, Lady Witchbeard.  Okay, before he gets here…this is not doing anything except making some sort of muck.  We’re missing an…oh, wait a second.  Daw, come over here.  Sorry, Lady Witchbeard.

 

I got some newty-doo in my hair, [00:50:00] or Newty-Poo or whatever it is.  Okay, drip some seawater into the bowl.  Okay, now something’s happening.  Keep dripping, Daw.  Lady Witchbeard, what’s happening?  Okay, let me stir it up, here.  There’s some sort of alchemical reaction happening.  Lady Witchbeard, it looks like it’s…Lady Witchbeard, did I ever…did you ever have Jell-O Jigglers before?  Let me just keep stir…it’s getting harder to stir.  It’s getting thicker.  It’s turning into a…from viscous to…I don’t know.  I’ve never seen this before, because that was sandy and now it’s kind of a smooth gelatinous…yeah, Lady Witchbeard.  That’s what…oh…oh, it’s…wow, I can’t even…look at that; I can poke it and I can kinda break it with the stirrer.  Yeah.  Lady Witchbeard, that’s like a Jell-O Jiggler.

 

Okay Daw, what’s a Jell-O Jiggler?  Please tell us.  Well, that, but that’s made of Newty-Poo and seawater.  Okay.  So…but what’s a Jell-O Jiggler?  We didn’t…oh, a Jell-O Jiggler’s a treat, so it wouldn’t be…it’s usually made from a powder, water, and I think you need some sort of gel…like gelatin or something.  Oh, so some sort of…yeah, okay, Daw.  We’ve had those kind of dishes, but this is not meant to be eaten, though.  What could be the possible value of this substance?  I’m confused.  Don Dankle, do you have anything?  Lady Witchbeard, I do not, but I see that the sun is about to break the horizon.  If we climb up to that higher…that peak up there, I mean, there’s another peak further west than where we docked, but we should be able to see Brandy exit the ship, and we would still be in darkness.  Okay.

 

Yeah, let’s go while we think about what are they…what would they be doing with this jiggle…Jell-O Jigglers, I guess?  I am stumped.  Okay, so there’s Brandy; she is walking towards the shore.  She’s looking in the sky for a bird to make sure I’m not watching.  She’s proceeding.  Oh, it looks like the pirates kind of already created something.  Lady Witchbeard, is that…that’s like a big pot, almost like a witch’s cauldron.  Is she gonna make stone soup or something?  I don’t know.  Maybe she’s making a big batch of this?  But then it would be stuck in the cauldron.  I don’t know, Daw.  She’s sending the pirates off and they’re going further away.  Oh, some of them have boats; they’re looking in the sky for me and they’re kinda guarding the path, but they’re further along.  She’s all alone now.

 

She doesn’t seem to be mixing anything in there, Lady Witchbeard.  Yeah, you’re right about that, Don Dankle.  But she is putting her hand in there.  What do you think she’s doing, Lady Witchbeard?  I don’t know.  Wait a second, there’s some…oh, no.  Lady Witchbeard, what is it?  There’s steam coming out of there.  Is that…do you think that’s…?  There’s no fire, though.  Is that from a fog machine or something?  No, no, it’s not.  This is not possible.  What’s not possible, Lady Witchbeard?  Oh, Lady Witchbeard, look; somebody’s rising out of the steam there.  Wait a second, that’s…looks like…is that…Lady Witchbeard, do you know…is that an animatronic?  Is this for decoration?  I’ve always wanted to buy one of these for the trick-or-treating season.

 

I guess for a witch, though, that might kinda seem diminutive ‘cause that looks just like a witch.  Daw, it is a witch.  She’s kind of like a purplish-blue though, not green.  Yeah, Daw.  That’s a witch of legend.  This just isn’t possible.  We’re gonna have to get…we’re gonna have to go back down the hill, though.  We can’t watch any further, unfortunately.  Don Dankle…I’m just wondering why not, Lady Witchbeard?  If that’s who I think it is, she’ll know we’re there.  We have to be out of the line of sight, all of us.  Let’s just come down this hill a bit.  We’re far enough away.  As long as we’re out of the line of sight of that cauldron.  Lady Witchbeard, you kinda seem surprised to stunned.  I am.  I can’t…okay, Lady Witchbeard, just take…this is…just take a few breaths, here.  You said that was a witch of legend.

 

What legend is…so, that’s not one of your contemporaries?  I mean, it looked a lot like a witch from our myths that was also historically real.  You know, Don Dankle, we’ve have these conversations when Daw hasn’t been around, but when myth and history kind of…but she was a conqueror of…it really created…in a similar way to the piracy guilds, it created the Great Witch Unity in our world, and hundreds and hundreds of years of peace among witches.  But yeah, she ruled in this time that was a very distant past from the…so, I’ve learned not to say anything is impossible.  Could be an illusion, but my sense was that it wasn’t an illusion, and that was a…oh, sorry, Don Dankle.  You might not know.

 

It’s very rare and I’ve tried to keep people…I’ve never taught any of this to anyone in the pirate realm and I very rarely connect to the witch world, but yeah, call…cast…cauldron casting is what we were watching happen.  She may have been casting a cauldron from a witch realm.  I didn’t think it was possible, though, to cast it from another time in history into this world.  Okay, Lady Witchbeard, let me repeat things back to you with a who, what, why, where, and how, because things seem to be getting more confusing than less.  If we say yes, who; a witch conqueror of worlds has come into our realm to meet with Brandy.  What are they doing?  Talking about something, but we can’t listen in because it’d be too risky.  What else are they doing?  Collecting ingredients to form some sort of Jell-O…some gel.

 

Yeah, some gel with sea water and these other ingredients.  What; we don’t know, but Lady Witchbeard, if you say what you’re saying is true, then the what, well, the what is unknown.  Yeah, then we have to stop it, Don Dankle.  Lady Witchbeard, Don Dankle, this is me here; Newty…we could talk to Newty.  Okay, Daw.  You’re right, Daw.  If we can ask Newty how many community toilets there are…there’s only three, Lady Witchbeard.  Okay, so Newty’s…so, can Newty show us where the three are?  Maybe we could flush them out to the sea.  Or, wait a second, I might have enough ingredients.  If we just…we could turn them into gel now.  I don’t think the gel can be deconstituted.  Okay, Lady Witchbeard, there’s one community toilet here.  I’ll squeeze my shirt into it while you put…okay.

 

Yeah, it’s gelatining up, so we’re gonna…I don’t know.  We’re not gonna have enough to do all three.  We’ll do the next one.  Okay, it’s just over here, Lady Witchbeard.  Okay, and I’m gonna squeeze my pants into this one.  Okay, that one is gelatined up.  Okay, the last one…we don’t have any more…we’re gonna have to wash it out to sea.  Okay, we could just…I think if we loosen…see, if we go down on that side, we could just push…we could just…we’ll have to push it.  We’re gonna have to all three of us push the Newty-Poo, [01:00:00] okay?  Yeah, this is not pleasant but okay, we’re pushing it into the sea and it’s gone.  Is Newty…oh, now the dawn’s broken and the sun’s rising above us, but we…we’ll have to…all the newts are coming out.  Can you ask Newty what’s happening?

 

Newty said that it’s time to…most newts get up and this is their community.  They actually have kind of a casual community conversation.  They use the bathroom in a social way, but all their bathrooms are not usable, so they’re going to the other side of the island.  What do you mean, Daw?  I guess over that next peak that we didn’t go up…how many bathrooms?  Oh, so there’s only three bathrooms on this part of the island where Newty lives.  On the other side there’s about three hundred or something.  Oh, dear.  Let’s go up that peak; see if we come up the side of it.  Lady Witchbeard, I got a bad feeling about this.  Yeah, it’s not good.  Why don’t you set Newty free, Daw, to go use the restroom in a social manner?  Oh, well, Newty already went in my hand again.  I wiped it on my pants.  Okay.

 

Okay, if we just clear this cress, if we crawl…oh, goodness.  Lady Witchbeard, there’s like, thirty ships there.  I didn’t realize there was a whole ‘nother harbor on this side of the isthmus.  We were on the other side of the isthmus.  Yeah, Lady Witchbeard, there’s a harbor there and it looks like they’re already collecting all the Newty-Poo.  There’s hundreds of people collecting newt poo.  There’s Brandy coming through alone; no cauldron.  Okay, so Brandy’s going to supervise things.  Where do you think that conqueror is?  I don’t know, Daw.  I think we should go back.

 

I’m assuming she’ll return the cauldron and she keeps it on the ship or something.  But we’ll have to make our way down and get to the cauldron.  First, we should get some rest though, and all of us should…since we don’t socially use the restroom, we should hydrate and use the restroom and then we’ll sneak back on that cauldron and I’ll try to come up with a plan with the two of you after we get some rest.  How does that sound?  Sounds good, Lady Witchbeard.  Sounds good, Lady Witchbeard.  Yeah, let’s get some rest.  Okay, good.

 

[END OF RECORDING]

(www.leahtranscribes.com)

Notable Language:

• Sieving the Muck
• Neighbor Newts
• Jello Jiggler

Notable Culture:

• Hernan Cortes
• Antonio Banderas
• Chrononauts Game